Do you feel loved after sex?

[Sunnydaysarefun]

Sorry I have to post this here as I can’t post on the sex forum, so I hope this is okay?

My husband has been my only partner and me his.
We have a very healthy sex life but we have what I would call “porn sex”. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy it, I absolutely do but I don’t feel loved after it. There is a lot of kissing involved and cuddles.

I think I would feel loved if it was just kissing, cuddling and sex without everything else. It’s been that long since we had sex like that.

I hope I’m making sense with what I’m saying lol. Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

Hi OP, how old are you please?

As what you described sounds pretty normal for someone my age, but maybe a bit boring for someone younger, do you cuddle afterwards?

Sounds like you need to communicate with your partner so you both get what you need from Sex. I hate the phrase but just as we all have our own 'Love language' this also applies to sex. Sometimes I just want to feel wanted and cum so we just straight up fuck. Sometimes I want sensual and closeness to feel love and connection. Its all in the communication.

It doesn’t sound overly porny to me? Sometimes I feel ‘loved’ after sex, sometimes it was just an itch to scratch and both of these are fine. I feel very loved in my relationship

Doesn’t sound much like porn, which would probably involve pretending he’s your stepson (or you’re his stepdaughter / neighbour’s wife / whatever)

HAHAHA

Totally wrong quote quoted there, sorry guys!

I was laughing at the stepson comment.

I’ll step away now.

In a good relationship you can have both types. If you’ve been out, both looking fabulous, got a bit drunk and spent all night flirting with each other, you might get home and have hot and fast sex up against the hall
wall the minute you get in. That’s fantastic sex.

Other nights, you might have had a quiet night in, watched a film in your PJ’s cuddled up on the sofa, then gone to bed and made love, with lots of slow kisses and eye contact/emotional connection. That’s also fantastic sex.

Ideally, you’ll be getting both.

I get what the op means. Sex with a very intimate emotional connection touches you very deeply. If it's mainly about mutual sexual satisfaction it isn't the same.

i totally get what you mean. i had an ex where the sex was amazing because we did a lot of kissing, caressing, looking into each other eyes, lots of bodily contact. it was vanilla but the passion and connection made me feel really connected and loved and in love with him.

however sex with my ex was very different. no caressing, no kissing, eyes closed the whole time, no touching, usually always doggy style. it never made me feel close or connected to him. my mind would drift and i would feel "empty" after we had sex.

Thank you everyone, I thought what I was describing was porn sex? Obviously not lol.

I’ve never been with anyone else and neither has my husband so I didn’t know any better, and just thought I would ask.

I know what OP means. She means it’s not the tantric - soul connecting - making love... two bodies become one sex

For me it's mostly who I'm with. My current partner shows he loves me outside the bedroom and in it. I always feel loved. With my ex, it was totally different.

When you describe it as 'porn sex'. Do you mean in how it makes you feel as opposed to what you're doing? Like it's all for him? Like you have to make the right noises even if it's not natural to you? Are you doing oral because you want to?

Would you be able to raise your concerns with him?

You want mills & boon sex OP! Just tell him the constant position changes make you nauseous and could you just lie still for once?

Communication is key here.

@Sunnydaysarefun
"Thank you everyone, I thought what I was describing was porn sex? Obviously not lol."

No I don't equate that as porn sex although I wouldn't use the term. Sex is sex but just different things which as long as both want to do it is fine and pleasurable.

Trying new things keep things fresh and desire to be intimate which is a crucial part of a marriage....it is when sex stops that relationships become at risk.

I love my DH dearly but I love he likes trying different things and keeps things fresh, as do I so I make an effort including different risqué lingerie etc. We still do kissing and cuddling after which makes me feel very "loved"

Sex with my ex was very robotic and even though he didn’t ask me to swing from the chandelier, it always felt like ‘performing’. Didn’t feel particularly loved during or after.
Now with my husband I feel loved and adored no matter if we make love or have porn sex, I feel loved at all times

OP do some reasearch on aftercare. It's usually used after a rough bdsm type of session but I don't see why it can't be applied to 'normal' sex.

There are all sorts of big emotions surrounding sex and intimacy, some people need more than just a cuddle after so it doesn't feel like it comes to a sudden stop.

Try to have an open conversation with your husband about both your likes and dislikes or things you want to try. If you're not much of a fan of being flipped around you could tell him you want calmer sex more often.

I don't know what you mean really - we kiss before sex and when we are done usually have a little cuddle and quick peck on the lips before rolling apart and going to sleep. I feel loved during, even if what we are doing isn't particularly loving

I love a quicky in the morning, no foreplay just get on with it. But ,equally I love the slow build up of a long session with lots of foreplay, teasing and “porn sex” as you put it.
I know plenty of women who got very hot under the collar about ‘50 shades of grey’. I found it a bit tame. Not the bondage bits, but bondage is a matter of taste rather than erotic. It made me wonder if most women just lie back and think of England for 5 mins.
In a loving relationship it’s about exploring your physical sexual side.
DH and I are a bit long in the tooth for some of the positions and gymnastics we enjoyed in our younger days but have discovered more, just as fun, positions and techniques as we have grown old. We didn’t have a formula to follow or a pornographic route map.
I suspect you are fairly young and have grown up with easily accessible porn, rather than discovering the joy of a fulfilling sex life. I suppose it’s a bit like rigidly following a recipe and being disappointed by the result rather than just using whatever ingredients you have and creating a lovely meal.
I do feel sorry for the internet generation, unlike our generation there are few areas left to explore for themselves.

OP, if you want to sometimes have a different kind of connection then you need to share that with your partner. He's not a mind reader!

@Sunnydaysarefun A lot of posters are missing the point OP. It's quite obvious that a man who views pornography, which is based on the subjection and degradation of women, will influence how he relates to you in the bedroom so I think it's very clear what you mean by 'porn sex'.

Basically, if he's watching it, he needs to stop. Make clear to him how it's affecting your experience and desire for him. He may need to support to overcome his habit of viewing porn.

A useful website: fightthenewdrug.org/

There's quite a few people on this website who are porn apologists and have no care at all for how women are treated as objects and the horrific industry that is behind porn. Don't let them belittle how you feel.

I totally get what you mean. You can have great sex which "scratches an itch" or you can have great sex as in sensual emotionally connected sex. I think you want more of the latter? Its less what you're doing but how youre doing it.

Like others here, l would not regard the sex you are having as “porn sex”, indded l would regard sex without oral as “poor sex”.

A lot of the problem here appears to me to be caused by lack of experience of others. I really can’t imagine the situation. I never understand how people get in situations where their first “bed friend” has been the only one, but that is not what is being asked here.

Maybe it’s a case of OP needing to take the initiative more in the bedroom, saying what she wants and holding each other in what should be that magic afterglow afterwards.

I know what you mean op.

DH is very experimental in the bedroom and we have great fun. I can’t complain because he’s extremely generous, very energetic and gives me hours of cuddles and kisses afterwards. I love sex with him and wouldn’t want that to end. But ultimately he’s a push your skirt up, tear off your undies, very spontaneous kinda guy.

But sometimes, just sometimes I’d love to have missionary position sex, in bed, completely naked so I could feel his skin on mine and lots of kissing and gentle caressing. Love making I guess, which I imagine DH finds very boring.

@sunnyzweibrucken

i totally get what you mean. i had an ex where the sex was amazing because we did a lot of kissing, caressing, looking into each other eyes, lots of bodily contact. it was vanilla but the passion and connection made me feel really connected and loved and in love with him.

however sex with my ex was very different. no caressing, no kissing, eyes closed the whole time, no touching, usually always doggy style. it never made me feel close or connected to him. my mind would drift and i would feel "empty" after we had sex.

Yes I agree completely with this, and its very much a one or the other type Ive founded. I love the slow, eye contact type of sex it just feels amazing and after it I feel so loved and connected. Then there's the rougher stuff, which I also love but in a completely different way. Luckily my fella is great at cuddles and hugs and praise afterward, but yes I find them very different

All the posters once again telling OP what kind of sex she means
It doesn't matter if other posters find OP's sex life vanilla ffs - whatever they are doing doesn't feel connected at all - she wants more affection and love-making rather than mechanical fucking. That's obvious so I don't know why posters these days seem to flock to sex threads and tell OP they are wrong whatever they are feeling.

@Sunnydaysarefun
Do you find his style in bed has changed? Is he making you do things you don't feel comfortable in some way?