Friendships: an eternal battle

[whattosaytoday]

In every friendship I have I do the running. Nobody ever contacts me, ever. I have struggled my whole life to build a network (outside of my family), despite being someone who is outgoing, successful and interested in others (well, I hope!).

I give the impression of having a really busy social life. (in normal times!) And I do. But this is all through my own efforts - I always initiate contact. I've looked back though my phone and realised that I have a majority of friends who have literally NEVER messaged me first. Ever. If I waited for others to reach out to me I would never see anyone, and as a naturally extraverted person (by which I mean I get energy from time with others, not that I am annoyingly loud!) this causes me a great deal of distress.

How do I become someone that people care about enough to reach out to me first? To think about me and drop me message?

I know there are people who don't have to do the chasing. What am I doing wrong?

I don't know, tbh. I'm the same. I have one or two friends who I'll hear from first, a couple who'll message first but only if I I haven't made contact for a couple of months but the.majority, I'd never hear from again if I didnt make contact first.

And I've lost friends simply because I've decided to wait and just never heard from them again so I decided they weren't real friends!

I think as long as I have one or two, that's good enough.

You have a full social life ? Do you enjoy it ? Do you just have freind that just like your night out but don't like arranging things? Do you enjoy arranging things?

Does it really matter though OP? If your friends respond to you in a friendly way when you contact them, and you have a good time together when you meet up, does it matter if you've always initiated? I think some people are just less organised about arranging things. It honestly doesn't mean they don't care about you.

When I feel this way, I just focus on: accepting it,
appreciating the time I do spend with them and
Reminding myself I don’t know what struggles/pressures they may have in their life.

If they’re open to your approach/meeting up, then they do like you, so just take it for what it is and stay open to other friendships that are more of a 2 way thing.

I think some people are just worried about being seen to be too pushy or 'needy'. I have a really lovely friend who I get on very well with, she always says yes to whatever I suggest ....but very rarely initiates anything. I think she probably thinks I am very busy - she is single and retired, I am working, with a husband and teenage DC and I genuinely wonder if she feels she doesn't want to 'impose' on my lifestyle?

Do I like arranging things? No! I hate it. I am not an organised person. I also have no interest in controlling what we do when we meet up: as long as there is a person there to talk to I am happy.

It’s always nice to be invited, but if the alternative is not to see anyone, I know what I’d choose.

The more you contact and arrange things, the easier it gets.

Actually for a long time (most of my teenage years and into my early twenties) I thought I was an introvert because I was so used to being alone that I thought it was a choice I had made

It was only when I moved overseas and got a large group of friends and was out every evening that I realised I LOVE people and am a massive extravert. So much so that I think I was actually suffering a mild depression through most of my childhood due to lack of social interaction.

I think I struggle back in the UK where people are much less spontaneous and much less gregarious / willing to reach out...

@Ragwort

I think some people are just worried about being seen to be too pushy or 'needy'. I have a really lovely friend who I get on very well with, she always says yes to whatever I suggest ....but very rarely initiates anything. I think she probably thinks I am very busy - she is single and retired, I am working, with a husband and teenage DC and I genuinely wonder if she feels she doesn't want to 'impose' on my lifestyle?

The funny thing is that I worry about being seen as needy by initiating contact all the time! But perhaps. I am in my 30s and don't have children, which is the same scenario as most of my friends. So you would think it was a prime socialising time of our lives!

I hear you. Throughout this pandemic I have worked on the frontline. Very few of my friends have reached out to see how I am coping. I have been the one phoning them. Every time.

You don't like arranging things, but your friends probably assume you do!

@Muskox

You don't like arranging things, but your friends probably assume you do!

Perhaps. It's a bit catch 22 though, isn't it? Sit at home depressed and upset hoping they get the message that I don't like organising things, or just get on with doing it.

What I have learned NOT to do is tell people that I feel like they don't contact me enough or that it upsets me - it just makes you seem hard work and emotionally needed and they disappear.

Would you consider quietly stepping back and seeing who reappears?

My mum was about to give up on her SIL - dad is dead, SIL lives abroad.

Stopped calling her.

Two months later, got a "WHY haven't you called me, I was SO worried" call.

Some people are fecking crazy.

I have lost friends in lockdown, they are having a whale of time. But just wait and see.

Of course, if people take too long to contact, you might not want to bother.

Seriously OP I would just bite the bullet if I were you. People are how they are and aren't very likely to change. You're the one who needs lots of social contact and feels sad if it doesn't happen, whereas your friends probably don't need as much, so have less of an incentive to make it happen. I think the happiest way forward is to for you to accept that it will usually be you doing the organising and try to stop thinking if it as a battle.

@LunaHeather

Would you consider quietly stepping back and seeing who reappears?

My mum was about to give up on her SIL - dad is dead, SIL lives abroad.

Stopped calling her.

Two months later, got a "WHY haven't you called me, I was SO worried" call.

Some people are fecking crazy.

I have lost friends in lockdown, they are having a whale of time. But just wait and see.

Of course, if people take too long to contact, you might not want to bother.

Maybe I should do this in batches 🤣 I do think some of them will just disappear though which is sad.

OP I'm sure some of them will

But you will get rid of the piss takers

I had a few local friends a while ago - all left London now. Well, acquaintances I should say. I organised a couple of local nights out and then one of them called and said "do you fancy organising xyz" - based miles away!

When I said no, she said "oh I thought you liked doing that kind of thing, getting all train tickets booked, checking people off lists".
🤷🏻‍♀️ All this because I organised some local drinks.

I think it’s social laziness. It’s always easier to sit back and let somebody else come up with the ideas and do the organising. I wouldn’t accept an one-sided friendship. Nobody’s company is that great that I’m prepared to carry a friendship 100%. I have a 3-strike rule with new friends so I can weed out the lazy ones and the users. You just have to meet the right people. Maybe join a few groups linked to your interests? That way you get your socialising fix without doing all the organising and the people there will be more likely to be sociable. If your friends miss you, they will contact you.

I think people fall into certain roles in all realtionships, including friendships. You've cast yourself as the one who organises things and initiates contact. It's lazy of your friends to not bother or to rely on you, but it's probably unintentional.

Trying to be friends with a lot of different people can dilute a real connection to a worthy few?
Maybe focus on one or two people you have a genuine deeper connection with and downgrade the rest to aquaintances?
Its hard though trying to keep a friendship going when its you that drives it.
This situation should have given you a greater idea of who really is interested and cares about you. Maybe let the others fizzle out and seek out a new tribe?
I have been lucky I have had 2 really clise friends through out this but also let quite a few people go who I truly believed were friends but have behaved towards me in a very toxic way too. People do show their colours during this and its up to you if you want to continue with these types? I think a lot of people have reevaluated who to give their time and energy to in future. Personally I would have been resentful of them so decided better to let it fizzle out. I think a lot of people will be looking for new friends after this, just be more selective in future.

@Muskox

Seriously OP I would just bite the bullet if I were you. People are how they are and aren't very likely to change. You're the one who needs lots of social contact and feels sad if it doesn't happen, whereas your friends probably don't need as much, so have less of an incentive to make it happen. I think the happiest way forward is to for you to accept that it will usually be you doing the organising and try to stop thinking if it as a battle.

I was about to say similar. You're the person who seems to need the contact more, OP, therefore the onus is on you to make it happen. You can't make other people need social contact enough with you in order to initiate it, if they don't naturally feel that way.

Personally, I'm not generally an initiator of contact. This doesn't mean I consider the friendship unimportant, only that the other person's need for contact kicks in before mine, so I don't generally have a chance to see how long it would be before I wanted to see or talk to the other person. I conclude their need is more frequent than mine.