A little background: Was in a very abusive relationship (psychological and emotional) that ended 4 years ago. It was an arranged marriage(cultural reasons). I have vowed never to settle again. So two years later I ventured out into the world of dating and got burnt a few times, mainly because I attracted avoidant men, that triggered my anxious attachment system. I didn't know I was an anxious person util I dated men who ghosted and failed to deliver on promises.
So I sat down one day early last year, and wrote down a list of attributes that I would look for in a partner, so that I can finally get clarity. The lockdown last year was the impetus for me to move into my own place, sort my life out, feed my soul through books and hobbies and it was a period of time that I tell myself was given to me to 'work on my self love chapter' so that I can attract a healthy relationship one day. So in my head I gave myself until 4 years to do that ( something to work towards but not feel rushed)
Anyway, late last year, I matched with someone and we clicked on may levels. He was pretty full on at the start and was very sure of what he wanted ( he had said he chose to be single for sometime after his last relationship, to get a better idea of who he is and what he wants out of a partner and life)
It all felt unfamiliar ( probably because the men I dated were vague and avoidant) so I brushed him off. I thought about him frequently after.
He reached out last month to tell me about something we both share in common and told me he was thinking of me too. He had said that he felt a spark v early on and he was excited at the prospect of meeting me again. I don't typically feel sparks- or that, I have not really ever. I have only had 1 2yr situationship after my marriage and a string of failed dates- no long term relationships after that, no relationships before marriage.
We met for a walk and it was pleasant. I have seen him frequently since and have spoken on the phone for hours on end, learning about him, and him, I.
One day, after a phone call we had, I took out the list I had written and saw he ticked every single one, bar a few; height (he's quite short, he swears like a trooper, has a strange laugh, though he makes me laugh our sense of humour isn't quite the same and he doesn't keep a very clean house (he hates cleaning, but when I visited his bathroom was grimy)
The more I see him I discover bits I like about him, but because I have flagged in my head those things I feel are not quite aligning, I have told myself he is not the one for me. I also am consciously focusing on those things- and wondering whether pursuing this further is me settling- or whether it will back and be the reason we argue or split up years down the line for example.
I do not have a healthy barometer of what relationships; healthy relationships look like and know that my list is a protection mechanism for me but I am hoping that you, if you are in a healthy relationship or have had experiences of a healthy secure relationship, whether putting aside things be them trivial, about your partner, have ultimately come back to haunt you or bother you or whether I am being ridiculous.
I don't want to let a good one go but I don't want to enter something that only lasts a little while whereby we both get hurt. I'd love for my next relationship to be my last.
Thank you for reading