Marriage crumbling and I don’t know what the right thing to do is

[likepeddlesonabeach]

This is long to avoid drip feeding, sorry.

We have recently moved back to our home area after 20 years in London and then 2 years abroad. We are late 30s, DH has long-standing emotional and mental health issues that spiralled out of control during lockdown. He always drank to excess but in the first lockdown his drinking escalated and he was misusing prescription medication as well as working non-stop on both paid and unpaid projects. He ignored me and our kids and left me to do all the homeschool, childcare as well as my own work (we worked together until two months ago, so he knew what I had to get done). There were a few awful nights when he became verbally abusive and nasty, never violent but the presence of an angry shouting drunk man is scary and unacceptable.

To his credit, he realised his problems had spun out of control and went to AA this summer, he hasn’t drank or smoked weed at all since then and seems to have found it easy to just stop. We moved back home (planned move escalated by the pandemic) to a new rented house, new school and unfamiliar area where we don’t know anyone. Our families are about an hour away but we can’t see them because of Covid. DS9 and DS7 haven’t been able to make real friendships as schools open and shut and we can’t organise play dates or meet other parents. They are lonely and acting out. They miss their friends and their old life abroad and they can’t understand why DH doesn’t want to be with them, homeschool has been a bit of a nightmare.

I am trying to find a new job here after 10 years of self employment and set up a whole new life for the kids and us, still doing all the homeschool and childcare. I’m not earning, but this is the first time in our marriage that is the case and he is the higher earner by far. I have helped his career indirectly and directly through our work together.

He is now teetotal but still locked in his office all day and is as as self involved, absent and irritable/unkind as he was when he was drinking. He was not always like this

He sees a counsellor once a week and a psychiatrist once a month. He had an emotionally gruelling job and tells me he has PTSD, anxiety and clinical depression as well as addiction issues. He says I am unsupportive and that no one takes care of him. He has moved out of our room.

I feel traumatised, lonely, exhausted and hopeless. I want him to get better but I don’t think his illness justifies making no effort to remain connected to our children and I cannot help feeling resentment and anger. There is no space for my feelings and needs, his are always bigger and more urgent.

I don’t think he loves me anymore, though he says he does, he is cold and absent. I don’t know how I feel about him, certainly not as I once did.

I don’t know what to do next, we were happy once and having lived through my parents divorce I know that my children won’t come out of a split unscathed, and they have been through so much already this year. Should I just keep waiting this out until the pandemic ends and hope this is a stage of his recovery? Or should I insist we end things now so at least I can begin to heal? I cannot live like this indefinitely.

You think your kids are unscathed just now? Living with an emotionally detached father who they’ll have witnessed drunk and abusive?
If I was you I’d be asking him to leave, what a miserable existence for you.

Sadly alcoholics often become workaholics.

Yes, divorce is hard for kids.

The first long term study ever conducted into the lasting effects on children concluded that if there is abuse in the marriage the children are more harmed by the parents staying together than by them divorcing.

That book is called “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study”. You may find reading it helpful in deciding what you do next.

That sounds terribly difficult. Your choices are so limited right now and I would think survival is the priority. It may well come to divorce because he is treating you incredibly unfairly but unless you have somewhere to go now, separation will be difficult.

Can you go to your family for a month or so? You are being abused emotionally and you are therefore allowed to do this. It would at least give you some space. Or alternatively, would he move out for a month to give you that space?

No matter how poor his mental health is, there I no reason to treat you with such lack of love and distain.

Sadly going to family isn’t an option because of the pandemic and their frontline jobs. Our rental house is huge and there is a separate office so we can avoid one another. Things are so fragile that I feel that a temporary split would be the final straw for me. I keep hoping he will thaw or even wake up and see what he’s doing to our family, I do know that is not realistic. He has told me he had suicidal ideation at his lowest points and that is a fear too, not that he would hurt himself (I don’t think he would and he doesn’t keep his feelings in) but that the added stress would stop him getting better. Even if we split I want him to get well, for the kids but also because I care about his well-being, together or apart.

So I guess you need to find ways to survive this period until you have more options.

A closed and detached ‘kindness’ of the sort carers have for their clients maybe? (While you do everything. So fucking unfair but what are the options?)

I hope you have some real-life support at the end of a phone.

I’m a little bit confused. You say you moved to your home area but your family are an hour away? Why didn’t you move to the same area as family? Walking distance surely would be more sensible? You say he is a high earner, your kids haven’t yet made friends and are lonely, why don’t you cut this short as you’re only renting and move to your family? Enrol the kids at a school where family can pitch in and support you? At least you and the kids would have somebody then!

As the MN collective wakes, you'll probably get quite a few saying LTB. I have no experience with addiction /abuse, hopefully you will get some helpful advice.

I think you recognise that divorce is a possibility. You're a good person for supporting him and thinking of your family.

My questions to you-
What steps can you take to change things?
At what point do you draw the line?

Could you meet with his councillor to speak about your own situation? Could they facilitate joint counselling?
He says no one helps him, but he needs to communicate what help he needs and accept that you can't read his mind. He also needs to agree to house rules e.g. Screen off / family time between a set time each night. Nothing drastic, just a step to show effort. Outside help might help this conversation, it will stop him throwing it back at you.

Thank you for the responses. It’s good to hear calm and objective perspectives as I’m constantly questioning my own judgment on this because we are all under such stress.

We didn’t move closer to my family or his because we wanted to be in between the two (they are two hours apart and we’re in the middle). I love my family but I’m much more of a caregiver to my parents and siblings and none are in a position to offer me much practical help - though they do provide fun and social connection for the kids.

DH has a complicated and sometimes difficult relationship with his family (he had what he considers abusive childhood - not extreme but certainly damaging- his parents and siblings don’t agree). They have not been welcoming or made any effort to see us , but of course the pandemic is a huge part of that. I think this is part of what’s deepening his depression actually.

I think me deciding what is my line in the sand is good advice and I’ll reflect on that. I think what I could change personally is committing to better self care, exercise sleep and food. Thank you for the support and kindness, I was surprised at how much better it made me feel.

I am a recovering alcoholic 5 years sober and if he is doing the 12 steps self examination and making amends is a big part of it. We are told in our big book that we are selfish and self centred and we need to make amends to all those we have harmed. It's not a case of just stopping drinking as the behaviours continue or transfer to another addiction. Is he going to meetings? Al anon would help you and there are meetings online. Sorry that's not much help really. If he's not properly engaging with the aa stuff then in my experience there is a fair chance he'll go back to drinking. It doesn't sound like he's that much better to live with now. I'm sorry you are suffering like this.

You have so much on your plate here OP, maybe just factoring him out would be best for the moment. The end of homeschooling is hopefully in sight for most children so you only have a few more weeks to go before you can get some time to yourself.
Do you think some counselling just for yourself might be a good idea? Just to help you say some of these pressures you're under out loud and be able to start plotting a way through? Ultimately you may just have to ask your husband if he wants your marriage to continue. But really, you have to start thinking of how you would like yours and your children's future to look. Can it be achieved within this marriage?

I won't say LTB, but I will say that he sounds typical of a 'Dry Drunk' - an alcoholic or other addict who has stopped using but has not addressed the underlying causes of his addiction. He has some work to do, first to accept that he has a real problem and is treating you badly, and then to make changes.

Meanwhile you need to think of yourself. How long can you keep going like this? What about your own mental health and wellbeing? Your DC will also be affected by his behaviour - you need to think about protecting them.

Taking it slowly and steadily amid the pandemic is probably sensible, but long term you need to consider whether this is a relationship that is going to last and how much of yourself you are willing to sacrifice to it.