Was DH installing dating app on second phone?

[NCfool]

Long time lurker, have NC for this. Was in DH WFH room today talking to him about his work day when I saw something in the corner of my eye on his second phone, a women’s face with some icons (“heart” and “thumbs up” kind of thing. We have lots of tech gear in the house because of DHs job so the second phone isn’t a surprise but I didn’t realise he was actively using it.

Anyway I’m not proud of this but I later went back to look at what was on the (still unlocked) phone, and it was on the Google Play site page for installing “iFlirts”. It hadn’t yet been installed, and there weren’t any other dating apps installed on the phone. Am I being paranoid? It’s quite possible that the phone has had things installed on it in the past from other people, but I’m pretty sure it’s been in his sole use for a few years.

When I tried to look at the phone again it was locked (password timeout) and his usual passcode didn’t work (the code for his main phone - we share phones/laptop passwords).

In the past (about 2 years ago) I caught him watching porn once (more mindless boredom watching not, shall we say, ‘active’ watching). I got very upset but we talked it out and no issues since (well none that I know of).

Sex wise had always been great but we now have DC 4 months old, so currently not as often (maybe once a week - just so tired!)

I’m an idiot aren’t I ... ???

I’m an idiot aren’t I ... ???

No, he is.

He hasn't got anything installed on the phone.

Has he ever given you a reason to think he's cheating?

Have you asked him outright?

I think you’re reading too much into this. There doesn’t sound enough here to be getting this worried.

I'd be worried why the passcode is different to his normal one. I'd say nothing yet but he will leave that phone unlocked again at some point and I'd definitely take another look.
Is it a free app? You might be able to work it out from unusual spending if you share bank accounts.

The icon is not good at all nor is the app page it was open at.

It is so very easy to have hidden apps on phones and they won't appear under the usual ways of looking.

Also some download the many secret "vaults" apps which require a completely different password to access when you are already on the unlocked phone which contains apps, photos etc. Basically, another phone within a phone.

Please do not let him know anything yet or if he is up to something he will ensure he leaves no evidence at all. Keep an eye out.

Also lots will use a separate and secret PayPal account to pay for certain features on apps so it doesn't show up on bills. Sneaky.

The different password is iffy also. Please don't question him but keep a watchful eye but not an obvious one and hopefully will slip up soon

@JorisBonson

He hasn't got anything installed on the phone.

Has he ever given you a reason to think he's cheating?

Have you asked him outright?

No not asked outright yet about it.

He has admitted to cheating on an ex girlfriend in the past, which is why I’m a bit paranoid. no on other signs at the moment, other than a bit of lockdown/ work stress/ staying up late. He can be prone to doing stupid things when bored

@DinosaurDigestive yes this is exactly what I’m worried about because he’s tech savvy (remotes into his android phones from laptops) and yes capable of installing hidden apps etc. I’m going to keep an eye out, gonna have to learn my way around an Android phone...

I think I would ask what it was straight out. Don't assume anything - just ask.

It doesn't mean he's cheating at all, but he may be planning on online flirting or whatever. Clearly this is prat like behaviour, but better to call him on it early than let it develop.

Re your sex life - well it's bound to be less active with a 4 month old, but it might be good to talk about it, and a plan for it to increase in the long run. I am NOT excusing anything he's doing on these grounds BTW, but no point pretending people don't have stupid reactions to situations.

How long have you been together OP?

If you went through the library of previously installed apps on my Play Store you would find Tinder et al, which was on my phone before I met DH.

I think you should ask him about it for sure, either to get to the bottom of it or to put your mind at rest.

@partyatthepalace @JorisBonson yes thinking about it today I think I will bring it up casually, maybe something like “oh I saw something funny pop up on that phone”, and watch his reaction.

We been together 4 years which isn’t the longest, but our relationship has been quite intense / accelerated from the start so feel like I’ve known him much longer. We’ve always been quite open about past mistakes (I’m no angel either), I really don’t think he would stray but then we’ve all heard that so many times. But yes thanks for the advice

If I found a second phone I would hide it about my person or in a secure place and watch his reaction. I’d study him until he asked me about it’s whereabouts. I’m always amazed others don’t do this.

@NCfool I just looked through my old apps - Tinder, POF, the lot! I've had an android phone for years and years.

Good luck

He has a tech job, it’s not related to that is it? Compatibility between apps etc?

You can either watch his behaviour, or tell him that you saw it. Waiting could give you more proof, if there is anything to this, but the second option might stop anything before it starts. And yes, it's possible he'd just hide it better, but at least if he knows you know or suspect, he might come to his senses.

I'd need absolute cooperation if I confronted. Do it face-to-face and make him show you right away.
All of it:
search activity
browser history
text
messaging apps
battery usage
cellphone usage

And he needs to open all files in case he has one of those calculator apps that hides incriminating activity.

If you decide to confront, don't ask him about it. TELL him what you saw and don't give him a chance to minimize it or gaslight. You saw it, and there's no way it was there and he hadn't noticed. It seems odd that he's changed the phone password that you previously shared.

It's a strong response, but there will be no ifs, ands, or buts later. None of this "I was just... It didn't mean anything" business. He'll know that you won't accept that.

Is this his first child? In all honesty, some men are very immature about the amount of time and attention a baby needs. They may feel jealousy and entitled to toy with the idea of something just to "feel wanted." Stupid, foolish notions that could snowball and break someone's heart.

This has hurt you, and he needs to be accountable for that.

Of course, this is just my opinion. You know him and your relationship. And you are the one who has to deal with whatever happens. It's your life and your choice.

BTW, none of this is your fault. NONE.

Thank you all for the suggestions, quick update: told DH: “it looked like you were about to install a dating app on your other phone”. He looked very confused, and picked up phone to look. I could see the screen when he picked it up, it looked like there was some other ad for a (not dating) app on the unlock screen. Turns out he was playing some free candy crush type of game with ads for other sites filling the screen every few minutes, the “iFlirts” banner actually popped up again. If you didn’t cleanly tap the “close” button in the corner it immediately took you to Google Play page.

So a misunderstanding and dumb paranoia on my part I think. I said as much. It also opened up a chat about trust etc which was good, hadn’t had a discussion like this in a while - got to talk about not communicating as much over lockdown, his late nights working, my baby sleep deprivation etc.

I do think it might be something to keep an eye out, but hopefully he can see that I won’t put up with anything silly that would later morph into something unforgivable. I think winter lockdown has been tough on him and amplified his lone wolf /nightowl tendencies, and we’ve talked about how to deal with this (e.g being more strict about going out for walks together, syncing break times, exercise etc).

I'm glad it appears to be nothing. Did you ask why the passcode is different?

Could be because it's his work phone and most companies perfer spouses not to have the password to private corporate phones?

I have two phones with different passcodes, one of which is corporate. I don’t do anything nefarious on either of them! I’m glad this sounds to be a happy outcome, OP, and that you’ve been able to talk to him. All the best

Of course the passwords are different, one is his business use phone. He'd be pretty lax at securing company info if they weren't (although I don't generally use a company issued phone to play candy crush haha)

I think the actual problem here is you clearly have some trust issues and insecurities that you need to discuss with him. To immediately jump to the conclusion that he's downloading dating apps because he watched porn once and cheated on an ex many moons ago isn't rational thought process.

Does he pull his weight with the baby so you can get some proper sleep?

@biggreengrinch yes that’s a fair point about pulling his weight with the baby, he was doing more but recently has been less because of work. E.g he would usually take the first morning shift when baby wakes (7-8.30) before he starts work so that I could get a lie in, but recently because of his working later he would sleep in and miss this.
I’d like to think I’m not normally such a insecure/neurotically jumping to conclusions kind of person but I think the lack of sleep is warping my brain a bit

@NCfool I do honestly think that your exhaustion and lack of decent sleep is probably exacerbating your feelings of mild insecurity. I know I'd be similar myself, especially with a newborn.

Sit down and have a chat with him about how you need some proper rest