I think I genuinely hate my mother-can't help it!!!

[killingmesoftly]

I was sexually abused as a child by a family member which continued for years. Firstly because of my lack of understanding, and when I was old enough to fully understand what was happening, because I knew my parents (mainly my mother) would say I was lying. I eventually got the courage at age 10 to put a stop to it but within this time, I had many failed attempts of suicide which my family never knew of.
10 years on and I met my mothers side of the family for the first time. I grew very ill and rather than staying to look after me, my mother was more concerned about going shopping with her friends. Because of my vulnerable condition (and the fact that I was in a foreign country) my uncle took advantage of me and sexually assaulted me. I was traumatised-never thought lightning could strike twice.
The truth got out when we returned home and my mother immediately called me a liar.
Now they've finally acknowledged that something happened (only because someone else confessed he'd also abused them) but they still say the 1st incident from my childhood is fabricated-"how could anyone keep a secret for that long".
The worse thing is, I don't hate my abusers, I hate my mother for abandoning me and not doing what a good parent should which is protect their child. There are other issues from my childhood which don't help. Mental abuse-me being the black sheep of the family, the liar, the ugly one etc.-mainly all said and done (or at least encouraged) by my mother. When I finally told me about my failed suicide attempts she laughed and said she'd ensure all the knives in the house were kept sharpened from now on whenever I come round!
Everytime I talk to her now I feel hatred welling up inside me and I know it's awful but I don't feel like I can ever forgive her. I feel really confused because at the same time, I want her desperately to take notice of my child who they all completely ignore. I just feel like a child again, begging for some attention and I hate them all for it.

I was in your position, similar background and was much younger than my peers, the only time that people accepted me was when i was on the committee of a toddler group, having kids is such a leveller, my friends now range in age from 5 years younger than me to 20 years older. You have taken the first step to build a community around you, the second step is to get more involved.

killingmesoftly, I too was abused as a child, by my stepfather, my mother chose to ignore what ever I sid to her, so much so I started to think I was lying!

Things were terrible from 8-15, when she finally put me into care, after I had him prosecuted for beating me up, (well, I had him arrested, then dropped the charges, because I didnt ant to upset her) she then married him, I wasnt invited of course.
For a few years from around 16-18 I didnt have any contact with her, then an exbf
persuaded me to contact her, so I did, it was always really hard and I was still at the point where I felt obliged to try, like I owed her something.

When I was 20, I found my real dad, he died 10 months later of cancer at the same time my mum had just split from my stepdad. I called her in pieces after I ofund out my dad had died and she came round to my house (I had a DD of 11months, and my exDP had been sentenc4ed to 2 1/2 years in prison a month before) She decided the day my dad died, and the one time I was really all alone would be the day to tell me she was getting back together with my stepdad, and that the reason they had split was he had left her for a 15yo girl, her friends daughter. I was so shocked, she was still convinced he wasn't a sexual predator, three weeks later, was xmas, I spent it alone. My 21st birthday was 2 weeks after that and she didnt call me to wish me happy birthday.

I called her at ten pm, asking where my card was, and why she hadnt called, told her to fuck off, and havent spoken to her since.
I had to deal with all this by myself, and found that after the anger, came acceptance.

First you need to realise that you were a child, so any guilt, has no reason to be there.

You need to remember that she was an adult and should have wanted to protect you, which she didn't, she made her choice, now you make yours.

Yes, She gave birth to you, but does that really mean you owe her anything??? No, of course it doesn't.

The best thing I ever did was cut her out of my life, the same way I would anyone who put my mental health at risk, or could possibly hurt my children in some way, she didnt care enough to protect me, so I can't guarantee she would protect them.

I think I read someone had reccomended CBT? If you can get some help in that respect then do, it is all about changing your thought processes and therefore your behaviour, I didn't have any help in that respect, but over time, I feel I have done it myself.
It ahs been 5years since I spoke to her now, 6 in january.

I've recently 'found' my cousin on facebook, and she has asked me to contact my auntie, yet I'm hesitant to, incase it brings that woman back into my life (I know my family think I was a troubled teen that ran away lots and rebelled etc, my mother always blamed me, and I'm not sure I can go through not being believed, again), so it's not something that will likely ever go away, but it's something I know how to deal with now. As will you.
Good Luck.

I think Victoriansqualor is right about making sure you dont let people who put your mental health at risk to come near you. No matter who they are, theyre just not worth it. I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach after the tiniest contact with my mother (ex a letter). Im useless for days afterwards, and I cant be useless when I have a little daughter to care for Putting it like this, it is obvious that this is not an issue of whether youll be in the right whatever you decide to do. It is all about damage limitation and healing yourself. That is your priority. I agree with another poster, you can`t save your mother. but you can take steps to heal yourself.

So true Sakura, thing is if this person wasn't your mother, would you give her the time of day?? Of course you wouldn't, so what makes your mum different? If you have more answers than 'she is my mother' then fair enough, try and work it out, but if you can;t come up with one, I think you know what the next move is best to make.

Hi Victorian Squalor

So sorry to hear your story. Funnily enough I went to the police about my 1st abuser but went anonymously and made a statement, I didn't have the guts to take it to court because I thought I'd lose my family over it (haha, what family?!)

Starting this thread has really made me think and I've decided to stop contact with the family altogether, especially with my mum. She talks to me about the 2 men as if it was just a bit of idle gossip-like I actually want to hear what they're doing in their lives. She doesn't have the decency to let me get on and try and forget. I realise now that to get over one, I have to let go of the other. My one reason to cling on to them was the continued false promises from my family to help out with dd at times of need, but we've struggled through everything by ourselves, so what's the point? Also, as correctly pointed our, why would I want such horrible people in my family's lives?

I've also considered counselling, but not sure if I'll 100% do it yet. I think that some strong willpower to not contact them again will help.

I think that stopping contact with her is probably best for you, and your family, but it has to be your choice, and you have to be ready for it.

MNers will be absolutely bloody wonderful to you and here to listen to you every step of the way, of that I am sure.

Hopefully one day, not too far away, you, like me will be able to say, thanks for your concern, but there's no need to be sorry, it made me who I am, and I no longer feel anything
about it, it's like a void came and took the place of all that pain and suffering, and now I am nothing but happy, it also puts a lot of the smaller things we stress about into perspective.

Good Luck, and please keep posting.

Oh and wrt the counselling, I found the 'sooooo lay down and lets go back to the first memory you have' etc more pain than help. It isn't the right type of therapy for everyone.
If you feel you can bring yourself to deal with it with CBT, then please give it a go, it's definitely something worth looking into.

Please provide more info on CBT-never heard of it

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy, it works on the idea that the way you act is based on your thoughts and that you can change your thoughts to work with you rather than against you.

So with CBT you dont have to actually drag out all the hard and painful memories, which can be more trouble than good, especially if the person has shut away a lot of these thoughts and feelings, it can make depression/anxiety worse to keep reliving your nightmares iykwim.

With a situation like yours, it would be beneficial to change your thought process. WRT my experiences I changed from for example 'My mother doesnt love me because I wasnt good enough' to 'My mother is an adult that made her own decisions, not based on me as a child, I am an adult that is worthy of happiness'

Once you have changed your thought processes, triggers and attitudes than you will probably find it a lot easier to recall such instances without the fear and the guilt that they breed into you.

I hope I explained that right, because I didnt really undertake any of it myself, I found out more about it after talking to a friend in psychology that was working with CBT and explained it to me.

bit better than my explanation

Haven't been in touch with anyone one in my family since the last time I wrote on here, even though they have been trying to get in touch now that they've realised I'm ignoring them.

Have checked out the CBT therapy and don't feel it's quite relevant to me. I actually feel so much better since I've left them all behind. Still gets me down though sometimes, because now I have had to ADMIT that they're not there for me-before there was always a small glimmer of hope that I clung onto.

Hi Killingmesoftly, just wanted to say that I think you have done the right thing. Sakura gave you the link to the thread I started so I won't bore you with my story, but I have found cutting my mother out of my life has allowed me to move forward in my life in a way I never imagined previously.

It is hard at first to feel you are alone and accept you will never get validation from your family for the terrible things that happened to you, but in my experience it is impossible to keep contact with people who deny your reality in this way and at the same time to keep in touch with your own truths and maintain your own self-esteem. I am 18 months on now from the split with my family and like you I felt so much better for it immediately. I am now in a completley different place emotionally and can honestly say my life has been completely transformed by making this break.

(I have to say that counselling was crucial to the healing process for me, but it does have to be the right kind I agree).

Next time you go to the toddler group could you tell one of the mums that you talk to what has happened, just like you have here. It may just be that you are putting up a barrier that you don't realise.

My dh is 7 years younger than me and i don't really feel age is such an issue to me.

Or could you try joining a support group?

I hope i'm not sounding flippant in any way with you