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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a threat?

14 replies

Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 12:10

Hi everyone long time lurker, I always read the boards but today something happened and I just want to work out weather this should be taken as a threat.

Backstory as brief as possible - been with p for 4 years we both have dd’s from a previous and we have a son together (he turns 1 next week!) He is abusive I know this, and he has a coccaine addiction. I planned to leave last week but chickened out so it has been my plan this week. I will do it on Friday when he gets paid so he can’t tell me he has no money.
On Tuesday night he ‘got on it’ I think he was up until 5am but not sure, anyway, he didn’t go to work yesterday, which is unlike him because although he usually does it through the wee he does go work. My cousin is single so we have formed a support bubble, she came at the weekend but left her expensive watch behind so she popped in yesterday to pick it up and casually asked p why he wasn’t at work. Fast forward to last night I woke through the night went to the loo and took his phone off charge and put mine on, I saw a message from his dealer saying ‘I hear you weren’t at work don’t worry I got your back’ he then wakes me and the dc at 6am accusing my cousin of telling his work mates that he didn’t go to work, she doesn’t know his work mates or is dealer so she can’t of done but anyway, he then shouted that I’m a lazy cunt and i deserve a slap!
I know I’m going to kick him out so it doesn’t really matter, but I guess I always thought he would never hit me as much as he shouts, gets aggressive, lies etc. Was I wrong about that too?
My dd heard it and is now scared, I feel awful that I’ve put her in this position and wish I had just stood up to him months ago!

Thanks for reading there’s much more to this relationship I could be here for days!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/02/2021 12:13

I agree the relationship has to end.

What's your living situation? Are you renting or buying and whose name is on the contracts?

Do you work? Do you rely on his for anything like childcare and if so, do you have someone else who can do that?

Bananalanacake · 25/02/2021 12:13

You've already decided to leave, is it your house or his.

WhateverJudy · 25/02/2021 12:14

Those poor children Sad

Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 12:17

It’s my house so he will need to leave. He tries to say he pay toward Rent and bills etc, but he really doesn’t. He gave me £100 last Friday and had spent the remaining 500 by Saturday morning.

I don’t work, my mat leave has just finished so I can claim universal credit, I had a major op on my spine in December and now have this really rare spinal condition which makes me unable To work currently (but I have always worked full time)

OP posts:
Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 12:18

@ WhateverJudy I know I feel awful.

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Bananalanacake · 25/02/2021 12:25

How long has he lived with you, he sounds like a cocklodger if he doesn't pay. It's good he has no claim on the house. Ask him to leave, if he refuses do you have burly relatives who can kick him out.

Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 12:34

He’s lived here for just over 2 years. I have. Brothers and will help me, it’s just me being a wimp and not standing up to him and when I try he just talks me round or shouts and he knows I don’t like the confrontation so I just walk away.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/02/2021 12:44

Pack up his things when he is out of the house and ask your brothers to come round to greet him when he returns. Get the locks changed and stick to your guns!

NotAgainNoMore · 25/02/2021 12:53

What @HollowTalk said! Maybe the brothers can wait/hide in another room so can be witnesses to any verbal/physical threats - you may need this as evidence in the future.

Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 12:53

This is my plan it’s just I know he gets paid tomorrow and part me does feel awful kicking him out With no money. Guess he oolong by

OP posts:
Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 13:04

The baby grabbed my phone. That should say I guess he will have to go to a mates for the night.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2021 13:17

Do not feel awful about kicking him out; he has shown no guilt or remorse for his behaviour. He needs to be gone and stay gone from your home.

Love your own self for a change OP by working on you and your boundaries. Learn more about codependency in relationships (see how much of this has related to your behaviour) and enrol yourself on to the Freedom programme which can be done online. Put you and your children first now.

Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 13:30

I have my brother on stand by, he’s just down the road and wfh so he can be here in minutes.

OP posts:
Flippingthebird · 25/02/2021 13:32

Thank you @ AttilaTheMeerkat. The silly thing is I’ve been here before with dd’s I should have seen it coming.

OP posts:
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