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[soapoperadilemmama]

I'm going to eplain this soap opera (my life ) in two parts as it is long.
I have been reading MN for 3 months now, with some posts under another name, and you all seem very friendly and helpful with advice. so here goes...

Episode 1
DH, DS and I moved back to my home town after DH got an opportunity to go to a very good uni to get MBA. I lived abroad for 15 years, so great opp to let family get to know DS (he is 5). DH and I had relationship problems which family knew about (but not all the details), anyway, relationships are 2 sided, DH gets emotional, verbally agressive and vindictive and I do the clam up and hide in my well type of thing, so during our stormy time (approx 4 years around ttc DS - 4 x IVF before we got him), sex had become a clinical thing and also I rejected him physicaly and emotionaly to punish him for his bad behaviour. After some antianxiety medication for him and serious amounts of councelling (18 months worth) we got through it and we were in a sucessful relationship. thats basically the background.

one month before moving back to home town, we had a fight, everyone was stressed out with the big move and I got physical while drunk at a party and hit him, he hit me back (the first time after 10 years of marriage). unfortunatly for me my mother called the next day and as i was still so upset I told her about it. we discussed if I should still come home and she said it was up to me but there would be an atmosphear if DH was there also, this was something that could not be avoided. She then made me swear not to tell anyone this... she said my sister had told her she did not want to be around my husband when we arrived as she felt uncomfortable around him, because on a holiday we had all gone on two years ago he tried to kiss her. I remembered the time, my sister was going through a nasty divorce, DH and I were trying to do everything we could to try to help them out, I clearly remember the night in question, we were all very drunk! I called my sister and she acknowledged what my Mum said but was very evasive and would not give me details .

we made the big move and had to live with Mum and her husband - the rudest man in the world! after a week DH got fed up with his rude remarks and insults especaily towards me and DS and a huge row erupted. Dh tried to apologise to my mother who brushed him off and stood by her DH, he then told us we were no longer welcome in his house (that HURT, since my Father who is deceased, bought that house and I grew up in it)!

we moved into our own place that night and during the next few nights discussed in detail the situation with my family, we of course were both very hurt and upset. We had packed up our home, left our friends and family, were now living in a small flat and had no one to turn to.

I wrote to my Mother and told her how upset I was, that I loved my husband and that her DH was partly to blame for the row also. I gave her the opportunity to contact me and told her that if she did not then I would take it to mean that she did not want anything to do with us. 3 months later and I have not heard from her. should I pursue it or let it go ? I cannot get my head around the fact that she would stand by her DH over her kids. (her DH is hell bent on dividing her from her grandkids), should I give in?

Well, to look at it from your mum's point of view, it might look as though you are choosing an abusive and unfaithful man over your mother.

Your mum probably did not appreciate the ultimatum (contact me or else...) and it sounds as though she has decided to call your bluff. You might have to bite the bullet and contact her using a more friendly tone - at least acknowledge that it might be hard for her to see her daughter with a man your mother (probably) doesn't like very much. Explain that you want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren and ask her what she thinks the next step ought to be, maybe?

It sounds as though your DH and your stepdad both behaved like wankers, and they should both be apologising to both you AND your mum.

And finally (sorry!), this DH of yours tried to kiss your sister. Why are you still with him?

Hi Soap opera

Sorry to hear your story. 18 months ago a row between me and mother-in-law was blown out of all proportion as she had a habit of being a complete drama queen. We thought we'd let her sweat for a bit and didn't contact her and she stubbornly did the same rather than apologising for something that was 100% her fault.

As more time passed we realised that we didn't need her in our lives (and she probably felt the same). It became more difficult to make the 1st step and build bridges. Now no-one talks at all and some people who I'd thought meant something to us, mean nothing at all.

If you feel it's important to you and your family make the first move. Time is a great healer but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be to make the 1st move.

Episode 2...

I had not said a word to DH about my sister. During our long nightly conversations DH brought it up that it seemed odd that she and her new DP were avoiding us. then i asked him "are you telling me everything"? then he told me that there had been something between them, I said I know and told him what I knew about the 'kiss'. he laughed and said are you joking, i did not try to kiss her she tried to kiss me. I suspected that that was the case knowing my sister. I was furious that my DH, even though not an angel, was getting the blame for this so I said I was going to tell my mother so she would have the correct picture, DH stopped me and then told me there was more to it than a kiss, my sister had flashed her boobs at him behind my back, played footsie under the table and after I had gone to bed (too many wines) she invited him to her room, they were naked and kissing in bed when they stopped and decided it was wrong. I was so furious at everyone I was numb ! Nothing like this has ever happened in my nice quiet life!! Dh apologised over and over, he told me everything in a way that I knew he was not lying. hell all i suspected was a kiss he did not have to tell me anything else !!

I met my sister a few days later and brought it up, she denide everything except the kiss and insisted that she had nothing to hide. DH had tried to kiss her. After communicating via email her partner found my emails and put 2 and 2 together, I then received a frantic call from my sister saying that she was so sorry, everything I had said was the truth. . She said she had wanted to start of on the right foot with her new DP (after an affair that had brought on her divorce), and she had told the new DP that my DH had tried to kiss her so that he would be angry and not want to be around us and excuse for her not to be around DH. apparently the new DP had actually told my Mother about the kiss which just made matters even worse considering neither me or DH have ever met him !!!!

Again my DH is no angel but where do I make my stand. do I risk telling my mother that my sister is a little slag and a liar which will break my mother's heart, my mother will then know that her divorce was her fault and not her husbands. do I risk also sheding more bad light on DH, do I stay with DH? cannot trust him anymore! do I lose my relationship with my sister and my neice (my ds loves his cousin) ???? I am here back in my "homeland" feeling completly lonely, no family, DH at Uni 24/7. what would you do?

I honestly have no idea it sounds a complete mess!

I think it makes no difference who instigated the kiss-that's beside the point. The fact is that both your husband and sister ended up naked in bed. They're equally responsible. Have you considered counselling? It will take alot for you to trust either of them again.

My gut feeling is that you shouldn't tell your Mum about your sister. It seems like you have been betrayed by just about everyone in your life but I think telling you Mum would result in even more bad feeling and unhappiness.

Also, sometimes people resent being told such things and blame the messenger.

it is a huge mess. I have been burring my head in the sand the last couple of months but now it is consuming my thoughts and i have to do something.

the only advice i can really give you is to concentrate on you and DS. your mother seems too wrapped up in her husband at the moment so leave her to do her own thing...she will only have herself to answer to when she realises what a fool she has been.As for your sister and DH they both deserve to be disowned i dont know how you can blame her yet still live under the same roof as him considering that he has a mind of his own and should have told her to fuck right off.what is going to happen when he gives in again????are you going to stay with him then???

I had something similar, my mother did not think my DH was good enough, and subsequently when my dd was badly injured whilst in our care on a day trip she blamed dh (even though the court siad we did nothing wrong). After all the agro we had been having (plus I admit now a bid dollop of PND) I moved house on the QT without telling anyone and sent a really nasty 2 page letter to my Mum telling her a few home truths and what I thought of her (I had bitten my tongue before this rather than talk to her as nastily as she was talking to me). We had absolutly no contact with her until an uncles funeral, and she started off by talking to my DH in a very civil friendly manner, and since then has treated me and mine as grown up adults. Apart from decking her I don't know what other gesture I could have made to bring her to her senses.

I think you are all right (correct that is), there seems to be rights and wrongs with every turn I make. DH and I have been through a lot, married for 10 years, gone through hell with our relationship with each other and came out the other side all rosy until this move. DH and I have invested so much in our relationship, I know you are all probabaly going to think I am loopy when I say he is a good man, he has the kindest heart, would do anything for you, actually not to make excuses for him he was diagnosed mildly bipolar and is on medication for it and that is why most of our problems have settled down. So with this situation with my sister happening 2 years ago he was not on his medication then.. no excuse but I hold on to hope that it would prevent something like that occuring again?? It is my nature to be forgiving, or is it that I sweep it under the rug? we cannot afford councelling here. he is a student and I am looking for a part time job. aaahhhrr my sister keeps texting me and I feel awful ignoring her texts, why do I feel sympathy for her when you are right, she betrayed me in the worst way.

yjey both betrayed you, not just her. i think that you dont have enough self esteem to tell them both to fuck off.they have both done the unthinkable.i dont know how you are going to go back to normality and trust him when he has done this to you???

and iam so sorry to be negative but if he is able ro cheat with your sister then has he done it before???

fawkeoff, thats what I have the problem with now. everything happened so fast and SO much - i craved normality, wanted to ignore what had happened. I have lived away from my family for so long that no talking to my Mother did not bother me so much. but my sister texting me all the time she keeps bringing it up, making me face it instead of allowing me to forget about it, therefore it is making me think that I cannot just let DH "get away" with it. He has done a good job giving me my space and doing everything he can to try to make me happy but its not going away. I am adult enough to reolize that I cannot ignore this anymore than I have already but what do I do? am I right taking my DS away from his Dad? DH went through 3 dads and that was no fun. My sister (the little slag) just went through a divorce where the DH got the blame when we now know it was the other way around, and I can see how it is affecting my neice. I am a Mother I feel it is my responsibility to take care of the child that we both wanted and brought into the world. where does it benefit him. If I left DH with no money and no family in this contry to help me would we be happier or better off?

fawekoff to answer your last question.. we have at no time before this had ANY trust issues in our relationship. I was infact DH's 'first" he was 21 years old (I'm a little older). he had always been very honest with me about the girls that used to come on to him. he is a good looking guy, a little over weight but still good looking. and I have never given him anything to worry about. so now this green gremlin has now reared its ugly head.

at the end of the day it is your life, but you have to be happy whether you have family around or not.i understand you dont want to be a single parent and you want your son to have a "happy" upbringing with you both together but if that doesnt happen it is not your fault.DH should have thought about you and his son before he betrayed you.

i forgot to add this bit, when DH told me about the incident he told me he had at the time also told our councellor. they talked it through (obviously without me) and she advised him not to tell me. Should I feel betrayed by her also or as it seem to work out until I was told should I feel that she helped DH deal with it.

If it was me i would insist on some sort of counselling/mediation to discuss what has happened and to make sure that there are no more secrets to be bought up a later date. It is only then can you make a decision on whether you can save your marriage.

I would also answer your sister text along the line of "'sister name' now that you have admitted that what happen on holiday was all your doing and not my DH. And also why your marriage actually ended (re your affair and not your DH). Please do not contact me again until I decide i am ready to talk thank you" and then accidently send it to your mother phone.

If you think your marriage is worth saving then concentrate on that and not your parents/family.

I should tell my sister to fuck off! I just cant. I cannot hurt anyone, Why is it always me that gets hurt? I think I just answered that - i need to get some balls. apparently having balls gets you off the hook!