I posted a few weeks ago about wanting to end things with my partner due to his addictions and my own mental health issues. I was told, quite unanimously, that I should end the relationship and I have tried but somehow he is still here. Every time I try and speak to him about it he cries and tells me how much he loves me, that he has nothing to live for without me, that he will have to leave the area (we both grew up here so all of his friends are local and he doesn't drive) because there is 'nothing left for him here', and I end up feeling so terrible that I just give in.
I have always struggled with face to face conversation when it's emotional or 'deep', if you see what I mean? I know that probably sounds like a cop out but it's a real thing, my throat closes up and I genuinely can't speak. I suffered a lot of emotional and physical abuse from my mother as a child which I think has a lot to do with it. So when I try to speak to him about how I feel it doesn't go very well, and I usually end up saying virtually nothing while he tells me that we are meant to be together and that there is no one else who means as much to him as I do. Which, now I've written it down, actually sounds quite sweet, but it makes me feel trapped rather than loved. I tried writing everything down in a letter and then going out for the day so that I wouldn't have to face him, and he did leave but then kept sending me messages telling me that he was now sleeping in a tent and due to the terrible weather over the last few weeks I felt so bad that I let him come back again.
I just don't know what to do. He says he will give up smoking weed (his main addiction, along with gaming) and has been applying for jobs, etc, but I know he has met up with a friend and smoked a small amount over the last couple of days. He said it was a one (two?) off, and that he won't do it again, but I don't believe him.
I am currently having CBT sessions due to severe PTSD after a very sudden and traumatic bereavement so I don't know whether I'm being rational or not, whether I'm trying to punish myself in some way, or whether I really do want to be alone. Everything just feels like such a mess and I honestly want to end it all rather than have to deal with it anymore. I won't, because I have two DC who need me, but sometimes it feels like there is no other way out of this mess.
I do love him, very much, and he is truly one of my best friends, but I need space and time to deal with everything that I've been through, and it feels like his problems are just adding to my own. I know I need to be strong and just tell him, but I really don't know how.