not judging you at all. you have my deepest sympathies. I came to this site just now by searching info round the web about diff types of adultery. I haven't yet found the exact type I'm looking for. but through the links I clicked, I just landed on this one, never saw this site before, and since you say you specifically were looking out for someone who knows how you feel, and how that goes or whatever, well I relate to you a lot, in diff ways, and I hope my words will be received well. in no way do I mean to be harsh. I am telling you what most people will never consider. that being said, I am not great at knowing what to do about my feelings. I can mostly define it and I can commiserate with you about how much it sucks to miss someone from the past... someone with whom you had such a deep connection, it doesn't always feel like it's just in the past, even if you haven't communicated for years.
I hope I've adequately showed where my heart is coming from. now I'll tell you what I think of your situation.
it is obvious what some of the underlying issues are, here. continuing "friendship" with a man even after you are married to someone else, is a surefire way to invite strife into your marriage. it seems harmless almost, for guys and girls to be friends. but the truth is, there is always tension on one end or the other. one always likes the other or they wouldn't be hanging out. that's just how it is. it took me a long time to accept that no opposite-sex friendship was 100% platonic. so imagine how that can impact your marriage, you having guys that you talk to on the side. I imagine your husband also has girls he talks to, as just friends, right? no, it is not 100% platonic. take a hard look and be honest. I got so used to being friends with some guys for many many years, that I took for granted my knowledge that they had liked me for a long time. since they were okay with being friends, and "didn't hit on me," I thought these were healthy relationships where we could goof off and confide in each other like we always had. but now I acknowledge that yes they filled the gaps in my ACTUAL romantic relationships. when things went south with my boyfriend, I could call one of these guys to cry to him and act like I want advice. when I was merely bored, I could call one of these guys to keep me interesting company. when I wanted someone to share an experience with, someone to hang out with, one of those guys might be the person id call. but I was ignorant, it is true, and I took for granted that the only reason these guys wanted to hang alone with me was because they hoped it might eventually develop into something more. even when we both had a relationship, we would hang out, calling it friendship, but deep down these men were holding out the chance that if their current relationship didn't work out, I might still be around to try again to get with me. many of these facts were unconscious. I only for about 6 years have been working to face the truth square in the face.
now that I've explained my stance on opposite-sex friendships, can you think of how many friendships like that, that you have? what's the bare-bones truth? regardless of the comfort level of the friendship, did one of you like the other at any point in time? likely the answer is yes, and that is why the friendship has lasted, deeeeep down.
regardless, right now we are talking about someone you did have a romantic connection with. it's a mutual attraction, ill-fated, as long-distance was never going to work from the beginning. yet you gave your body to him, and vice-versa. I am nowadays of the belief that sex is a truly sacred act of bonding, which should be reserved for marriage alone. I had sex with many men before I got married, including my husband, we didn't wait, either. and after all my "experience" I've got to say it all was a waste. it inhibits the sexual connection between my husband and me, and so do his own past experiences. and I struggle regarding a very certain ex-boyfriend. thoughts of him are what sent me searching just now for diff types of adultery. I am tired of the feelings I still have for the man from over ten years ago. we conceived a baby. I was a brainwashed 18 year old still in high school, and I thought abortion was a good idea. so I did it. that was bad. I was already so tainted from experiences even before THAT guy, and then the abortion just really threw the biggest hammer down on it all. I could never be remotely the same after that. that guy and I lasted 2 years in the end. we made such plans together, hating the corruption in the world and wanting truth and wanting to do our part to fix things. we were a good team in that regard, young and naive, passionate and just simply trying at least. my husband is even better than he was, truly. but I am haunted by the first man. we haven't spoken since like 2009, and it wasn't a good convo. I know I must move on. I get afraid that these feelings wont go away. so what do I do? my husband is amazing. we have sex issues as well. not the same as yours but it doesnt matter- sexual struggles of diff people often have quite common denominators. they boil down to misuse of sex some time in the past, whether it was a choice they made, a choice someone else forced on them, or what-have-you.
as for you, you are still blinded like I was, thinking opposite-sex close connections are harmless at their core. it's a lie. that's a strike against your sex life, for sure. my sister is going through a divorce right now, and she had many platonic friendships, claiming they are nothing but that, and that if her husband found someone else, she'd say, "go, be happy!" and that she would genuinely be happy for him. I knew this was a lie. a few years later he made a "friend" of his own, someone who was my sister's friend first even, and he flew out to have an affair with her, she moved over here and got a job and apartment, and convinced my sister's husband to have a divorce and be with her instead. my hard-headed sister is devastated now. there are more contributing factors to their dissolve, but I always knew it was secretly wearing on her husband that she had so many guy friends who she even KNEW liked her.
so why do we do this? why do we insist on keeping the attention of other men when we have our spouse or significant other?
I think it hugely comes down to insecurity and lack of trust. but for good reason! this is where your innocence comes in. our souls are sacred. we have been harmed. we have also been misled by our elders as to how we shall navigate life. our virtues are tainted by default. we think we are doing a good thing, only to find destruction at the end. that's where you are. you gave too much of your sacred soul, the deep longing in your heart to belong to someone and KNOW it's true and that you're the only one they hold, and now you pay the price. same as me.
with these men, we gave a lot of ourselves. but we didn't give all. and now we are yet more divided, often having little to offer our husbands in bed, and vice versa. it totally goes both ways, too. his past and present opposite-sex relations are impacting the bedroom, having little to offer you back, either.
this is NOT a matter of "preferences" in bed. it's a spiritual problem