Is he stalking me?

[StalkerAlert]

I have name changed for this one but I have been on MN for a while now.

So for context I broke up with my ex just over a year ago. He left me for someone else and I struggled for months. By the time summer came around I was feeling better in myself and decided to start dating. I have always had feelings for a guy from my past and vice versa, so I got in contact with him and we hit it off. Problem was he had a girlfriend so I told him I couldn't talk to him as I knew what it felt like.

He was ridiculously overbearing from the start. Telling me how he's always loved me, how we'd have been together if I never got with my ex and how I should only have his children and no one else's.

It was off putting but I guess I kind of liked the attention, plus having known him the majority of my life I thought it was harmless.

So the long story short is that he split with his ex and we slept together. I can hand on heart say it was the worst mistake I've ever made. Every time I think back to it, it makes me nauseous.

After that we spoke a few more times but in the end I told him he was overbearing and it was extremely off putting. He wouldn't quit so I blocked him on everything.

He became obsessed. I drove through the town he lives in, he was just getting out of the car. He saw me driving past, jumped in the car and followed me for miles. Driving recklessly and overtaking several cars to get behind me. It was terrifying but luckily I was in the car with a family member. He also started ringing on withheld as I had blocked his number. I was constantly in a state of panic.

Fast forward to now, I have recently moved into my own place with my kids. Unfortunately, my neighbour is a family friend of the guy and I fear he's probably said something in passing about me living here. DM told me the other day he still drives past the house, almost breaking his neck to look through the windows. He has no reason to be near my parents house. His car is very distinctive and so easily recognisable. I'm sure I've seen him drive past my house on multiple occasions now.

I have began receiving phone calls from no caller ID again. I KNOW it's him, there's no other reason to have calls late at night from anybody else.

I haven't slept, I've double bolted the door. I'm 100% on edge. I don't know what to do. Family members seem to think it's a joke, and somehow amusing? My DM said it's harmless and he'll be fine once we get together. I don't want a relationship with this man, I don't want contact with this man. I don't think he'd harm me but it's always a possibility.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? What did you do about it? It's difficult because he's an old family friend, but friends don't behave like that. It's putting me off dating again, and I also don't want to leave the house in fear of bumping into him.

What do I do? And thank you for reading. I know it's a long one, but I don't know who to talk to.

Collate information op.
Is it possible to change your number at all?
I’ve seen a helpline mentioned on here before that’s supposed to be good giving advice if you are potentially being stalked if anyone has it?
Hope you are ok speak to non emergency police to get ball rolling

Ahsan could you kindly do one? It clearly said in three op she told him she couldn't talk to him while he was in a relationship. Your being vicious to someone that is already scared. What's wrong in your life to make you feel the need to be nasty to strangers?

I didn't steal him from his girlfriend. I would never ever do that. I stopped talking to him, he split from her of his own accord. Then we slept together. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I would never ever do that to another woman.

I accept that you're judging me, that's down to your perceptions but you have no idea of the person I am. So to say you hate 'women like me' is out of order. I spent weeks fighting with myself about the pain I may have caused.

If you don't have advice please don't comment. I'm scared for mine and my children's safety. I don't need a lecture.

OP I had a similar experience. Guy took me out twice and then said he had a GF and I said I didn't want anything to do with him while he was with her... I had calls and texts for a few days and it was terrifying. I rang the police for advice and they said that if it continued to report him but thankfully it stopped. I have reported the unhelpful comments earlier on in your thread!

Thank you everyone else for the advice. I will start collecting evidence. I feel like I'm over exaggerating or making it into a problem it doesn't need to be.

I just feel so uneasy 24/7 and I just don't understand why he can't leave me alone. He knows I want nothing more to do with him.

Pipe down @ahsan, did you even read the post properly?

OP, your DM and other family members are minimizing this appallingly. This is stalking, no question. Start diarising and talk to the police. Don’t let them brush you off.

Get a ring doorbell you will see if he is approaching your property perhaps call the police for advice

National Stalking Helpline is good. They can talk you through your options and how to approach police, what to expect, etc.

Paladin are a stalking charity in the UK, they can give you advice. You don't deserve to be abused by him.

Read the post @ashan and stop bringing your own man issues into this.
@StalkerAlert you need to speak to the police and tell them you are concerned. Tell them about the driving incident.
Set your phone to do not disturb at night, except perhaps your mum's number, so that no one can bother you.
Every single time he you are bothered by him you need to make a note.
Hopefully your family will start to take this seriously once police are involved. Sometimes family members minimise because they cannot cope with the truth.

I'm a Police Officer experienced in this.

Yes, he is definitely stalking you and is quite concerning. Statistically (not trying to scare you, just laying the facts) stalking often escalates and rarely just stops without some kind robust intervention. You should report this to the police now. Its relatively easy for us to get a SPOC check on the phone calls. Possibly also worth you installing a Ring doorbell type thing if the layout means you would capture cars driving past your house as this would also be good evidence. Screenshot your messages as whatsapps can be lost if the other person deletes the thread. You will be taken seriously if you report this. Your initial call just needs to say 'I'm being stalked by a male I had a short relationship with last year'. The Police will need with you in person and explain explain process and your options. Please take action, he needs to be stopped.

Yes, get a Ring doorbell, then you'll have evidence of him hanging around your house.

Keep records of all the missed calls and any communications you had with him before, like if you told him you wanted him to leave you alone. I believe you can also block withheld numbers automatically on your phone, but maybe talk to Paladin / the police first to see if this is what they advise.

Your DM is being really weird and unsupportive, his behaviour is obsessive, I don't understand why she's minimising it.

Good luck @StalkerAlert it sounds really scary.

I presume your mum knows him - she is way off the mark with her advice.

Hi, I've been in this position, it's not nice. The police will ask you to collect evidence of incidents and times. Log the calls etc. Its horrible and you're always looking over your shoulder, no one should have to live like this. Call and report. Hope you're OK

I second calling the National Stalking Helpline as they can help you deal with the police too and support you thru the process. Keeping a log is good too including dates/times/any witnesses/also include how it makes you feel and the impact as there's 2A stalking and 4A stalking and it goes off the impact it has on your life. 4A stalking gets tougher sentences for offenders.

I was stalked by my ex for 2 years and it was horrendous as despite a restraining order he breached it 15 times til he was finally jailed for 20 months.

Ring doorbell is also good evidence but definitely contact National stalking helpline who are amazing. I hope by reporting this then this man will stop but stalkers are obsessive in their nature and often it takes more than one report for them to stop. Mine used to turn up at places he knew I'd be and try and say it was a 'chance encounter' but eventually he got a tougher sentence which seems to have stopped him but I also had to completely change my routines and daughters school so I'm a lot harder to find.

Thank you everyone. I will take on every bodies advice, it's a scary time and am definitely looking over my shoulder all the time.

@PussGirl yes my mum knows him, I think it's more naivety on her part than anything else. She seems to think it's just me playing hard to get and him enjoying the chase. Which definitely isn't the case. I haven't spoken to him for around 6/7 months so it's been a going on a while now.

paladinservice.co.uk/ please seek advice.

His behaviour is threatening to you. As others have said - please report and seek advice.
There are various resources listed here - including the National Stalking helpline.

www.gov.uk/report-stalker

Good luck x