C

[93sdb]

I've been with my partner for 2+ years. We have just bought a house together and are currently renovating it.

95% of the time I couldn't wish for a better partner. He loves me and my son. Makes me laugh constantly, is on my side and wants the best for me and wants us to grow old together.. its the arguments I can't handle.

We could turn an argument about whether the sky is blue into a make or break situation. He becomes cold, distant and tells me he is not interested in what i have to say and I get so worked up I question whether I want to be with him and tell him as much. When i get worked up he tells me I have done this to myself and won't take any accountability for his part in it. I know I should not do this but I say it in desperation of not being listened to.

We had an argument like this last night.. literally over the tea I cooked (please also be aware we never ever argue infront of my son). Went through the motions of being ignored when I brought up what had upset me, me getting more upset and telling him that his reaction is childish and I don't see the point if he won't listen to me. We ended up ending the argument. Nothing changed. He was still mad and I cried but we said we would move on from it. I sent him a long text saying I am sorry for my part in it and we need to find a better way to communicate and he just said OK, no worries. Probably cause he is bored of this happening as am I. He's probably sulking.

So where do we go from here? I don't want to be in a relationship where if we have an issue it is just swept under the rug and I'm sure he doesn't want a relationship with someone crying and saying there's no point when we argue. I think we need to talk about whats gone on so we can work through it together but he has no interest in doing this. I love him and as I said 95% of the time its perfect but I have PBD and if I don't feel listened to i work myself up beyond a reasonable point and I've seen many professionals about this but i can't seem to see it until I've already done it. But on the other side he never wants to hear my side on it.

Anyone else been here? Please help. I don't want to lose us but I don't want it to continue as it is.

Is your son his.
When I had someone who liked to argue with me, I would say, 'oh yeah hmmm', and shut up. I refused to argue with them.

No hes not. My son is with me and his dad 50/50. And thats pretty much what he does. Its not that I want to argue i just want us to talk and then move on together from it but he just sulks.

Most of my previous relationships were full of arguments and I hated it. With the current one I never argue. If he says something that annoys me (which he doesn’t much to be fair) I either laugh about it or just ignore it. If I am upset by something he says (this has only happened once that I can remember) I bitch to my friends about it instead. He never reacts badly to anything I say or do either, which I suspect is not because I am the world’s least annoying person, but because he also bites his tongue at times.

I know this makes us sound weirdly passive, but we just don’t have the energy for arguing all the time any more. We are not especially passive people in other regards (work etc).

No advise, but my utmost sympathy because this is how it is for me, I have to just put up and shut up, because he don’t give a toss what I say and even if he listens to it it changes nothing, or we row and it’s over. It’s a horrendous cycle and no doubt, like me, you keep thinking it will change this time, but as I’m realising, that’s highly unlikely

Some things really aren’t worth arguing over. You really can just sweep them under the carpet. You can agree to disagree.

I have PBD and if I don't feel listened to i work myself up beyond a reasonable point and I've seen many professionals about this but i can't seem to see it until I've already done it.

My experience of discussing things with people with BPD (I assume you mean borderline?) is that hours of circling around with them trying to convince me their right just leads to no resolution or to fairly extreme mood swings. That's not a clinical opinion of course but I can see how grey rock (or sulking if you receive it that way) works.

What was the actual argument?

Yeah its borderline. Basically from what my therapists says is that if something has gone wrong in my relationship it goes quickly in my head to - he doesn't care. Which then leads to me trying to get in there first and end it. Which is fed with him saying he's not interested.

Now seeing clearly I know he meant he wasn't interested in the argument we were having but it just seems very dismissive of my feelings.

The argument started with he an unprompted didn't like the tea i had made (which took 2 hours) and I was like.. bit rude and he thought I was joking. Kept digging a deeper hole trying to make me laugh by saying stupid stuff but I was getting more agitated that he didn't see i was upset by his comment. (Its all so stupid looking back). Until I got annoyed with him and said he was being out of orfer and should just really apologise and then it went from there.

Honestly we should just agree to disagree!! We have said this previously. But then its left where he's in a little sulk and I'm like... why are you sulking and it goes from there again.. its exhausting..

Maybe Relate could help?

My DH and I went on a marriage course and there was a session about how both partners deal with conflict situations. Could you try that?

I honestly don't think he will. I've been back and fourth all day with it in my head which is one of the worst parts. Hes speaking semi normally to me now and it's just like... right okay.