Help Make me strong and confident - I want a new life

[amber2009]

I am a middle aged women with a 10 year old and i am ashamed to say that i am an absolute walkover and am shy and timid and wouldnt say boo to a goose. I suffer with mental health anxiety which doesn't help.

So my partner is self employed and barely makes any money at all (even worse with covid) so we are on universal credit. I pay my part of the bills and universal pay his, i get no more from him at all. Well the universal credit got messed up and we now wont be getting any more credit this tax year. He refuses to get a proper ( as in guaranteed wages) job. So that means it all falls to me, i only work part time as i have to pick up my child from school and be able to have time off in some of the holidays. Whenever we speak about money he is so cruel he refuses to talk or just shouts and says some awful things, normally about my mental health or weight ( I'm not fat just not skin and bone).

We rent a house in my name and in all honesty i dont want to move its my house with all my things and its very practical for family, work school and hobbies etc.

I am no longer happy but i am not strong enough to just tell him to leave the words wont come out, and if i am honest i am scared. He has absolutely nowhere to go, no family or anything or money to go anywhere else and i worry my child will hate me for it.

I also do EVERYTHING at home, even on the days he isnt working (which is a lot). I know i am a mug !!

I cannot go on as i am, please help me to be strong and get something about me to make this happen.

It can't really get much worse can it? You're already doing everything and paying for everything and your partner is regularly a dick to you...

As someone who left a similar relationship (without a child involved though) I understand why it's scary. I was convinced my partner would have nowhere to go and noone to turn to... but he moved on pretty quickly, these types always do.

It sounds like it's the actual conversation you're worrying about? Have you tried rehearsing a script in your head?

Take strength from this, if your child grows up and finds themself in a similar, abusive situation as a result of seeing you stay with this man and put up with this shit, how will you feel then? You only have one life and your child only has one childhood.

You gotta find your metal.

When your kid grows up, would you ever want them to realise that you stayed with a horror like him for their 'benefit' ? They'd be heartbroken.

My mums friend put up with a poor relationship 'for the kids', and also is very timid and quiet - her exH was an emotionally and financially abusive cunt. They're now divorced, her kids are adults now.

Her daughter is a timid mouse also, in an abusive relationship but won't leave. (thankfully no children, yet)

Her son is married, with small kids - he detests his father and refuses to have anything to do with him. He doesn't have any respect for his mother, because she put up with so much shit 'for them' - it was no way to grow up.

As a PP has said, you have one life. Your child has one childhood. They know way more than they let on, and your child will not thank you for making them the reason you were too scared to kick your partner out.

Make a list of why you want to end things

Make a list of what you want from life

Look at those lists, and decide which one you want to be living another 10 years from now - then act on that.

Also agree with PP of writing out what you want to say, rehearse it, prepare any responses to things you think he might say. Stay really calm, repeat what you want to say and directly ask him to leave.

Do you have any family or close friends you can have nearby who could be on standby to support you if he starts shouting?

Is the child his?

your child will not thank you for making them the reason you were too scared to kick your partner out

Agree.

Fear is temporary. You ride out the scary moment and then it passes.

How much of a plan do you have so far for life after him?

Having a plan will make the fear more manageable, but you won't be able to get out of this situation without facing it.

Fear is your body's way of preparing you to face a challenge. Once the challenge has been met all those feelings (heart pounding, sweating, etc) fade away and you can start moving forward.

Things worth doing are rarely easy.

Sing I will survive into a hair brush at full pelt with meaning and repeat.

In all seriousness, why are you with the lazy toss pot? You sound like a educated, head on shoulders type of woman you can do better.
Just think how happy your dc will be with a happy mum, that is more important. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for them. X

Change the lock . That’s it 💐

The good thing about being the sole earner and doing everything in the house, is that you won't actually miss him in any significant way when he goes.

You are ten times better than him, and worth a hundred of him. You are a provider and a strong mum. You don't need him or his abuse any more.

I’ll kick him out for you. Send him my way , I would like to let off a little steam on a no-good man child.

You deserve so much more OP, and so does your child.

You rent the house and it is in your name. You are paying for everything right now. So actually, that seems a good position as you know you are financially self-sufficient without this man.

You also seem to be doing all the chores and looking after your DD. So you would not lose any practical support if this man was not here.

Emotionally, he is abusive to you. So if he was not there, you would not lose any emotional support but be free of emotional abuse.

You call him a partner so this suggests you are not married, so no divorce to go through.

Do you have any real life or support who can help you tell him to leave? And stay with you while he does? Are you worried he will be violent or more that he will not go?

I wonder if your anxiety would improve if you were in charge of your own life without fear of his cruel words and reactions.

At age 10, your child is getting towards the age where they will be able to make their own decisions about seeing their dad and build their own relationship, as they wish.

It is very hard to end a long term relationship with children involved, particularly when you have been ground down and are fearful. Have you spoken to anyone in real life for support?