Left abusive ex now dc playing me up life still miserable

[Givemehope2]

I left my abusive ex and father to my 3 dds, age 5, 10 and 13. He used to cheat (which they don’t know about), control me financially and never help with the dds or around the house. I am so proud of myself for finally leaving. However I’m still unhappy as my dds seem to be treating me like rubbish. Oldest dd has mood swings, if I tell her to please not throw rubbish on her bedroom floor or if she could take her dirty plates downstairs she becomes hysterical. Shouts at me and back chats me. 10 year old just does not listen to me at all. 5 year old is very stubborn. They all leave so much mess everywhere, constantly arguing with each other. I hate my life. I feel like I can’t get any control over them and even though ex dh is no longer my problem, I feel like I now have 3 angry demanding dds to look after. They sometimes tell me they miss him which I find hard as they don’t know he was abusive to me. They have no respect for me at all and I hate my life. How can I get back some sense of control? And make our home happy?

I had the exact same issue OP
I did a parenting course to help me
Some Learning I got were

Don’t underestimate the impact his behaviour will have had on them

Try and spend 1:1 time with each child , even if it’s a small amount

Praise any good behaviour , and stop reacting to bad behaviour

Strike when iron is cold , so when something major happens - leave the scene and calm down , then address at a later stage

Self care , you the most important person as if you are unhappy you can’t help them

Try to model the behaviour you want to see , so basically kindness and no shouting . This is very hard !!

It was so feral here and sometimes still is . But it’s a calmer place

And don’t get caught up in listening to advice from others . It’s usually shit ! Apart from mine just that people don’t really understand that an abusive home messes with kids . So their advice won’t be appropriate

Thank you so much for replying. It’s nice to know someone else has had a similar issue. I was so proud of myself leaving the abuse I didn’t realise the effect it’s had on the dc until now and seeing how they treat me. I was so focused on how ex treated me I didn’t realise I was also letting the children treat me the same. When I tell my oldest off I can see the hate in her eyes. Maybe a parenting course is a good idea. I feel overwhelmed by the dc even the 5 year old, if I try and tell them off they scream and shout and talk to me like dirt. Life feels so hard at the moment.

How long ago did you leave your ex?

Would it be possible to get counselling for your girls? I found school were very helpful and the school SENCO did CBT with my DC, to help them come to terms with their anger and feelings.

You also do need to take time for yourself, you've all been living in an abusive environment for a long time (all their lives for your DC) it will take time to find your feet.

If you can at all see if you can get family therapy, might be worth speaking with your GP also and discuss your DC being angry and distressed and the reason.

Leaving an abusive partner is the first step, you are all going through a healing process.

I agree
They will have been around this nasty behaviour for so long
And now it’s all coming out
This is normal , to be expected and bloody hard to handle on your own

Oh it must be so so difficult for you. I would ring up your social care in your area (not to get them taken away or anything!!) And they should hopefully hook you up with a family worker who will come in and help you reestablish boundaries for them and if they're struggling, refer them to people who can help.

Sometimes when people leave relationships like yours it can open up new areas of hardship and there's people who can help you. Well done for leaving OP. X

They were abused too.

Maybe look at the Freedom Programme course so you can learn more about how they have been affected and the support they need to recover.

And and then a parenting course.

Trying to "control" them isn't healthy - that's why you left your ex isn't it? So why would you be trying to repeat that pattern with them?

Be careful not to punish them for reminding you of your ex and his abuse. It's not their fault they were born into an abusive home or to an abusive parent.

If you've never explained to them his behaviour was wrong, why are you expecting them to understand that? It's your job to explain.

It sounds odd but sometimes I fear my children. I guess by control them I mean getting them to pick up their food wrappers off the floor. They don’t like me telling them to do anything and get angry. They tell me they miss their dad and that I can never have a boyfriend. I left a year ago now

I know that a year must feel like a long time but it’s not. As a pp said talk to the school about what’s happening they may be able to help with how they are feeling and get some extra support for them.
Children learn how to relate to people by what they see others do, and need support to change this. If you don’t want to talk to school it might help to talk to women’s aid, they maybe able to recommend some support for the children too

They're copying what they saw.

You do need help parenting and helping them come to terms with their own issues.

Also with regards your eldest it may be partly learned behaviour from watching you and your ex and partly going through puberty. The teen years are difficult.

Thank you. They are also horrible to each other. It feels leaving was only the first step I was not prepared for all of this. I want to reclaim my life and also want my daughters to have a nice life. I guess I have a lot of work to do!

First of all, we'll done for ending the relationship as that was the best thing you could have done for your daughters. They would still be learning that an unhappy relationship was normal and that's not what you want for them. Secondly, your oldest is going through puberty and these years are hard for most parents to navigate. She is full of hormones and is adjusting to the changes in your home life and will be acting out, especially if she doesn't understand why this has happened. Can you have a sit down and talk to your oldest and explain in an age appropriate way why you have made the decision to end the relationship and that its normal for her to miss her dad but they will get used to how things are now . I would then have a sit down and talk with all 3 girls about rights and responsibilities, they have a right to be fed, cared for etc but they also have some responsibilies like keeping the house tidy etc. Can you make a chore list and if they tick each item off at the end of the week they have a reward like 1 on 1 time doing something they enjoy or they get to choose a movie to watch (what ever they enjoy doing really) etc. Also as others have said, walk away if they make you angry and address it when you have calmed down. Show them how you want them to behave by being the example.

Thank you that is such a helpful post

OP well done on leaving your abusive ex that alone shows how strong you are so don't sell yourself short. I'm curious OP do they still see their dad and if so how often? Does their behaviour become worse after they see him? I'm wondering if he's been whispering things in their ears about you so they feel more loyalty towards him and hate for you and I wouldn't be surprised if he's encouraging their behaviour the comment about you not allowed to have a boyfriend sounds like its come from him rather than them. This is a classic abuser tactic when you leave them they start using the kids as a weapon any way they can.

It sounds like you need some support I'd suggest you talk to your GP and see if you can get some counselling for yourself and the kids maybe as a group and/or separately. Is there a family member or friend you and your kids trust who could perhaps step in right now and talk to them or even mediate between you all? At least then you some back up and support so you aren't struggling all alone in this.

It might be worth reaching out to a charity such as Action For Chidren or Barnardos to see if they have any services/support groups you and your dc could engage with.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-narcissistic-abuse-recovery-podcast/id1527479270?i=1000509207715

Thank you I will listen to that podcast

They see their dad twice a week and get angry before they go and when they come back. He’s told me I shouldn’t have a boyfriend because it won’t be good for the kids, I’m not sure if they heard.

I’d say the anger before and after each visit is a massive red flag
Clearly they love him but on some level they don’t like the visits for some reason , I’d second guess he bombards them with nasty comments about you
And makes them nervous

Honestly I’d forget the discipline and behaviour and just go into self care mode for you and the kids

Honestly OP I managed to attend both the freedom programme and a parenting course totally free of charge and mainly through local social services

I think if you can change thinking from ‘bad behaviour and they hate me ‘ to
‘We have been through trauma , and the kids are venting this ‘ it will help

I’ll be honest I used to get really triggered by my sons . And there are still issues there ! But once I stopped reacting , didn’t fight back , stayed calm it’s a lot friendlier

Also my sons were totally fighting each other

This is all normal reaction
I really hope you can get some help
Remember that children services have acess to so many courses , it’s not just about taking kids away

Please have some hope

Thank you so much

That’s a good idea to think of things differently, I keep getting triggered by how they speak to me and each other but I need to think of it differently. That’s really helpful.

Last October 7 months after we split I gained a male friend through work, so far nothing romantic has happened he knows my situation and understands I am apprehensive to go on a date. But I feel nothing ever can happen between us as I will feel like I am the bad person and will be disrupting my girls lives. I don’t even have female friends infront of the children as my ex isolated me totally, I feel my girls don’t know what a normal life is just that I’m here to cook and clean and to go along with what everyone wants. I fear they see me as a very weak person. Work used to be my escape where I was more assertive but I find it hard to bring that into my home life. It feels really hard to heal my mind at the moment, i feel so anxious in my own home. I will see if I can access the freedom programme and a parenting course in my area.

@Givemehope2

They see their dad twice a week and get angry before they go and when they come back. He’s told me I shouldn’t have a boyfriend because it won’t be good for the kids, I’m not sure if they heard.

That's a massive red flag right there. I would say your ex has been saying things to them when you aren't around. Do you and he have contact and communicate? If so you need to only discuss the kids and stick to it. If he asks/demands or brings it up ignore him or say "I'm not discussing this". I'm also wondering if he's still trying to bully and control you and your girls are following his example.

I can really relate to your situation my own not so "DF" did this when my mum left him. He would question me and my siblings on what my mum was doing, spoil us and lets us do what we wanted so when we went back home our behaviour was really bad and disrespectful meaning my mum had to firmer and it caused us to see her as the bad guy. Its a really manipulative tactic that sadly is quite effective and does a lot of damage to the relationship. It wouldn't surprise me if your ex is doing the same thing its all to get the upper hand and punish you.

OP I really suggest counselling and in the mean time maybe ask a family member you trust to mediate between you all or have a chat with them and see if you can improve their behaviour that way.

Regarding dating OP I say go for it with that guy but take it slow and don't tell the kids anything about him until the situation has improved. Its not for your ex to dictate your life especially your private life because you can be sure that if he met someone and you made a remark about it he'd tell you he's free and single and its not your business.

Your eldest is 10 so is well old enough to understand basic manners in a household.

If she is pushing back / back chatting & rebelling is it possible to try approaching her by letting her know you have done your very best to create a harmonious, safe & happy environment for all of you to be a loving respectful family.

I would tell her that I missed her dearly when she was at her dad’s but that you don’t miss her behaviour while she’s here.

Also maybe approaching it that leaving messes everywhere is like a little kid - it’s immature, she is double digits now & a proper young Woman now. What would she do if you decided to not clean up, or shop, or cook, or clothe your girls?

She needs to see for herself that her actions are making her own home life negative for herself - with you having to rouse on her to clean up etc.

Maybe if funds allow provide her with an incentive to be tidy ? Like every month if all her chores are done & room is clean you will buy her a treat which is something she can decorate her room at yours with?

So every time she achieves that she gets to improve her little oasis at yours & will appreciate you more?

Don’t have kids myself so it’s just a thought

You sound like you’re doing the best you can & have done so well to get away from a toxic relationship.

The only thing you can do when someone (ie your ex) is bad mouthing you is to keep living your life & eventually people will realise that your actions don’t match their words.