Would you end it? Or try to make it work?

[OnesideofA4]

I've been with OH since I was 19. We are both now early forties. We have two small children. Our life feels stable and okay day to day. We bicker sometimes, but broadly get on okay. We do some nice things together and share a lot of history. We sometimes hold hands.

But I suddenly realised yesterday that I might never have sex again! We haven't had sex for more than 2 years and I can't see any prospect of it in the future unless something changes. We didn't really have sex before the kids much either for many years (except for 'baby sex'). He once said he needs to be relaxed and stress-free to have sex. But ever since I have known him he has been stressed so I can't see him changing. I have suggested he has counselling (or we have it together) but he won't do it and says he would rather sort himself out on his own. But he never does. He's a hoarder, doesn't look after himself and life seems to get him down. He is always tired and complaining. So I can't see him wanting to have sex until he gets his issues sorted.

I think if I am honest, I have become a rescuer to him in some ways. He is like another child. And no one wants to have sex with their mum!

I'm torn between thinking life is okay, I should be grateful for what we have, sex isn't that important and maybe you can't expect sex in a relationship after 20 years. We have 2 lovely kids and have happy family times together. But then I think, my god, is this it? I've been watching the Crown and thinking sexy thoughts! I feel good about the way I look. In fact, I feel the best, most confident and most sorted I have ever felt!

I suppose fear, sentimentality and the kids stop me from doing anything. But on MN I read so many threads about brave women changing their lives and it has really made me think. Maybe I am brave enough to do something too.

Would you call it a day or try to make it work?

Oh God OP, you are exactly me. Almost word for word this is how my life is. I've just got to the 10 year sexless milestone, and I can't go on like this. When I was at 2 years like you, I thought it was OK, it would maybe come back, but I wasn't that bothered. And here I am, I feel ground down to nothingness. I also feel like he's another kid in the house, and there's nothing sexy about him at all. I've told him we'll never ever have sex again, but he seems content to rumble along. I too am feeling the most confident in myself, and I am so frustrated that I've got nobody to just notice me. I feel invisible. So, I would say to you, I don't think you're going to get those feelings back for your dh, and it's time to move on if you feel inside you need more. It drags you down, I know that. I just wish I'd take my own advice. Good luck OP x

Ahh thanks for your reply @Wakingup55643, I appreciate it. And nice to meet you.

Maybe one day you will take your own advice? It is hard though. I found myself fantasising about our handyman the other day. An actual real life man who came into our house. I didn't even realise I fancied him but I think my body does!

I find nothing sexy about my OH either, probably because he isn't like a proper adult. I think I could find him attractive again if he got a grip of himself. But, like your OH, he would rather rumble along.

Good luck to you too x

Personally I would cut your losses now and not plod on like you both individually and as a couple are doing. You met him when you were a young adult yourself and had no real life experience behind you. What too did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you to be a rescuer?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.
Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works and you’ve basically carried him and placed yourself in a rescuer role.

Your reasons for staying within this are frankly poor and are really no reasons at all to be staying with him. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have a relationship like this, no you would not. You want better for them and you should expect better for your own self.

He seems quite happy plodding as he is and you’re doing the vast amount out of the donkey work here. He is not going to change, look at actions rather than words. Words are cheap. All you’re looking at here with this man is more of the same with you likely becoming more resentful of him over time. Your children will also pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. Do not also let fear of the unknown stop you either, being in a dead relationship is really death by 1000 cuts. You're 40, far too young to forego sex forever more. Remaining with him as well stops you from meeting someone else who could and wants to be an equal partner.

Thank you so much @AtillaTheMeerKat

I am certainly doing the vast amount of the donkey work, including the thinking about our relationship. I have always been Head of Mental Load! I also earn the vast majority of the household income, do all the thinking and planning about everything. I really have carried him all these years. He hasn't been able to grow because he hasn't needed to. It's interesting you say I may become more resentful over time. I think I will. I have two friends whose parents have stayed together and into old age 'for the children'. Both friends tell me their parents are unhappy and they wished their mothers had had the courage to leave.

What I get out of the relationship now is stability. I know he isn't going to leave me. He is faithful, kind and caring. And we share our children, share the memories and share our joy watching them. Although to be honest, he is often too busy moaning to truly appreciate them! Which irritates me.

Part of my fear is about not thinking there are any better men out there and that I won't find anyone else and be lonely and regret breaking up our family. From what I see IRL and on Mumsnet, there do seem to be a lot of man babies and abusive men around. At least the one I am with is kind, caring and generally okay company. Oh god, that is such a low bar isn't it??!

Thanks for making the point about what we are teaching our children about relationships. You are so right and of course I would want our children to have better relationships themselves. I'll hold onto that thought.

Thanks again, much appreciated.

"At least the one I am with is kind, caring and generally okay company. Oh god, that is such a low bar isn't it??!"

Yes it is but at least you actually realise that so there is hope for you going forward. You rescued this man but being a rescuer never works in relationships. Its a flawed approach as you have all too clearly seen.

You can do a lot better for yourself here going forward if you choose to and he can be a parent to his children if he chooses to be if you and he separate.

This man is too busy moaning and is otherwise up himself to at all appreciate you and his children. I would urge you again to cut your losses and furthermore do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. You provide the stability here in this relationship because you're the responsible parent. He opted out of that. He is also a plodder along with someone who you are carrying for no good reason. Would you want your kids as adults to settle for moany stressed plodders, no you would not!. Find it within yourself to let this man go, he will manage without you and perhaps then start adulting more. If he chooses not to that is not down to you.

Don't let fear of the unknown, sentimentality and the children keep you with such a man. Don't put your children in the position your friends are now in re their parents; they are indeed not going to say "thanks mum" to you for being with this man. They could even go onto accuse you of putting him before them.

Good luck to you, I honestly think making the break from him sooner rather than later will be the making of you all going forward.

You only get one life OP! Do you really want to waste it in this way?

You're not a couple though.
Don't leave for another man. Leave for yourself

Honestly, I would say leave. Life really is too short. I left my partner of 13 years in December and I feel genuinely happy and free. I love having my own routine with the kids and no man child to worry about.
It will be hard to start with and you will wonder if you made the right choice at times, but you will get through it and it will be so worth it. If not, I fear you will be sat here in another 10 years with the same issues. And I understand your fears about never meeting anyone else, but just enjoy being on your own for a bit and the freedom that will bring. When you are ready to meet someone new it will be because they add value to your life and not because you NEED someone. You can do it. Be strong.

@OnesideofA4
If your not happy with the relationship (and lack of sex), get out while you can, early 40,s is not very old, it’s better being by yourself and happy, then with someone and miserable.

I think you should separate, sort out the finances and childcare as amicably as you can and then start living life for you.

Please don't go down the route of having an exit affair, that never ends well, and will be horrible for everyone involved.

You sound like you know the marriage is over, and once you've ended it, you can look at having some great sex with different men on your own terms.

Don't spend the next 20 years thinking life might get better.

Would end the relationship asap and sort out rhe DC, housing, finances etc, then take some time before dating.

Thanks for your advice and thoughts everyone, I do appreciate it.

I am in a similar position (although we used to have a fantastic sex life, and my H has betrayed my trust quite spectacularly) and am struggling with the same worries as you are about whether leaving is better than staying. It's so tough to know what to do for the best.

If there is now no trust there is no relationship. Do not therefore keep plodding on in a dead relationship and furthermore do not get bogged down by sunk costs. The sunken costs fallacy basically helps people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

I dunno, if you are content with him maybe suggest an open marriage but personally I've been with enough dead ducks to not want to bother with them any more.