Not want ex moving next door..?

[Amiwrongforthis]

We split last year. It became really bad and volatile he was stringing me along after the break up still sleeping together while he had someone else. We had a big bust up when I found out and things are now quite toxic. We have as little contact as possible but we do have two children together. I'll admit that I have found it difficult especially given how things went and him moving on with the other woman so fast but I'm doing OK or was at least doing better.

He is about to become homeless and has asked about the house next door (tenants moved out two weeks ago) on the plus the kids could see him more but I think for me personally having him next door would be detrimental to my mental health seeing/hearing him etc next door would be hard.

I'm quite a pushover and usually do everything for him always have so it's no surprise I did contact the people about next door but all I've had since is anxiety and stress over it. I don't want him next door for my own sake but I know it would be beneficial for the kids so feel I'm being selfish. Also I wouldn't want him to be homeless. He works but self employed so finding somewhere to rent has been a bit difficult. I know it isn't my problem but I just keep thinking about the kids.

What should I do? Say they said no (if they do reply they haven't yet) or do I be honest and say it won't be good to be next door? I honestly just feel so sick and like I've taken huge steps back in trying to cope with the break up. Is it selfish of me? I just feel so confused.

I don't want him next door. He doesn't care about me enough to make my life hell or make things difficult for me (not that I have any intentions of dating etc for a good long while) but it's literally making me feel sick already.
I just feel so stuck because the kids would love it but then obviously when he is busy and they can't go I know it will upset them so I just don't see the benefits of it but also I wouldn't want him to be homeless I know it's silly as it's not my problem but if he has no where to go he won't see the kids properly.

I think I might just say that they aren't letting it out yet I feel bad but surely my feelings matter.

Of course it's not selfish not to want him next door. How on earth can either of you move your lives on with the other overlooking them?

There are other places he can live and it's super unhealthy for both of you to live in each other's pockets.

You need to start building some boundaries and stop doing his adulting for him. He's a grown man, he sorts his own accommodation. Although on this occasion I might take the opportunity to lie about next door not being available if it is, and help him find somewhere a sensible distance away. But I'd make it the last time before setting boundaries.

You need to start putting your own interests ahead of his. He can see plenty of the children without having to be on your doorstep.

God no. It can be hard work for family that like each other to live next door. Will he actually spend more time with the kids or will he keep sending them home when it's not convenient so you can never plan anything? Will you end up feeding them everyday and them going round after to cut his costs down. Will she actually be happy with the idea? Or will she be the problem if she isn't? The weather is going to get nice, will you be comfortable with them hearing you in your garden or vice versa? You mention about not dating but realistically if he will be judging who is coming to your house, anyone, it is going to be hell. It will not be the only place he can rent there will be other places

My main concern would be do you get to say whether the lives next door or not. If you do have a say, then of course the answer is NO.

Thank you I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable. I'll say they aren't renting it out and maybe help a little to find somewhere else but you are right. I also know for a fact she wouldn't be happy him next door to me given we were sleeping together so that would definitely be a issue for them although that isn't my concern at all. And the gardens as basically linked I can see right through the fence so definitely would not feel comfortable with them being that close.

I think it's best for all involved for him to not be next door I just wasn't sure if I was being selfish as he's going to be homeless but you are all right it's just not my problem. The thought alone gives me anxiety I can't imagine how much worse it will be if he actually did.

I don't know why you're being so emotive - he's "going to be homeless" as if he's helpless about it? Presumably he has been given notice. He's an adult. He has a job. He has a partner. He has family and friends presumably.

Not your monkeys, not your circus.