Toxic Parent

[NotBeingCoerced]

Name changed as I'm pretty sure DM is spending too much time on MN!

I went very LC with my mother over a year ago. It was supposed to be NC but she keeps turning up with gifts and cards for my DC (material gifts and money are one of her tactics to get others to excuse her behaviour I've come to realise).
Anyway, there were many reasons for wanting to go NC and it has been a long time coming due to her behaviour over the years dating back to my childhood. There have been previous times that I've reduced contact and she's managed to wheedle her way back in but I'm very determined this time.
She knows why I am LC/NC but, like many estranged parents, refuses point blank to believe that she's done anything wrong.

Today I get a message from her suggesting that I may be the victim of coercive control. Now, I know none of you know me but I almost fell off my seat, it's that ridiculous. As it happens she's actually very manipulative herself, an excellent liar and has already managed to cut me off from half of my family. I am also now currently getting drunken messages that make barely any sense at all. I know I just need to block her (and I did for a while) but then she turns up outside my house. I'm also concerned about her mental state. She's a raging drunk and appears to be having psychotic episodes when intoxicated. I've tried to get other members of the family to help her but they either believe the lies that she's spun about me (I've got it in for her/want to steal all her money) or they're scared of her, I don't really know which.

I don't really have a question, I just need to vent. And maybe a bit of a hand hold. It's quite horrible grieving for the parent you wished you had.

Does she have any mental health help? Can you ring crisis when she turns up psychotic?

My mum drinks but when she is psychotic often ends up sectioned which helps.

My childhood was not a happy one and my mum not a great mum. However now I'm odler I do know she does love me but has no parenting ability. Her drinking is because she cant do any better like any other mental health condition and is just really sad.

I've put in boundaries so I don't get too hurt, dont rely on her or tell her too much personal stuff but do maintain a relationship as she's basically an unwell woman.

Yeah, it sucks so badly, I'm sorry. It sounds like you know you want and need to go nc. That's okay, I wonder whether you've always been the one holding it together? And now you're looking for help and the others aren't interested?

My mother was also very unwell, but I had to walk away because I would have gone down with her if I didn't. Put yourself first is my advice.

"It's quite horrible grieving for the parent you wished you had."

I understand this. One day maybe you can have a look at how to give that care to yourself.

For now here's a great place to get some of it out and figure out how to set and uphold firm boundaries.

One day at a time OP.

I am friends with an estranged parent. It is a difficult friendship.

The EP is distraught that her children will not back down and allow her to trample all over their lives. People see her public distress and feel sorry for her without knowing the full story.

The EP claims not to know why they won't currently speak to her - yet she's already spoken to me about it countless times and our text message history also back up that she's fully aware of the events that caused them to be upset - she just won't accept their reaction to her actions.

My friend does not see her children's point of view. She has her feelings and her ideas of how things should be. She refuses to accept anything different. When they were children she controlled them totally. She won't accept they are adults now and they refuse to be controlled any more.

Many, many people have told her that she cannot behave the way she does and expect her children to not react in response. In her head she seems to be able to believe she has done nothing wrong and doesn't ever expect or understand consequences for her actions.

I reminded her of the details about the massive fall out this Christmas and asked if they'd made up and was that why she expected them to want to speak to her again. She just blanks the question. She expects them to just forget and go on as if things are normal. There is an absolute denial of any responsibility on her behalf. She blocks it all out as if it didn't happen.

I try to help her see what she is doing wrong but she refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing. I think her children keep giving her chances in the hope she changes. I doubt she is capable of changing.

TryingNotToPanicOverCovid She doesn't have any mental health help, no (or at least as far as I know). She is extremely well turned out in the day and easily manages to hold down a job. If you mention anything that has happened during one of these episodes she, very convincingly, claims it never happened to the point that I wonder if she honestly has no idea? I've never been in a position to be able to call anyone (previous times we've been abroad) but I have a suspicion that she would suddenly be able to act normal. Luckily I live far enough away that she would need to drive here and I hope she wouldn't so in such a drunken state.
See, I think I have the opposite, she wasn't at all 'maternal' but I never wanted for anything from a material point of view. There were occasional episodes of violence so I couldn't go so far as to say she was the best mum, but from the outside looking in, things were just rosy. On the other hand, I don't think she loves me at all, I'm not entirely sure she's capable of it if I'm honest. I do believe that she thinks she needs me though, and I think she probably thinks that's love.
I wanted to be able to have a relationship with boundaries like you describe. I am sure that she's unwell and I do feel terrible guilt for what appears to be me abandoning her in her time of need which is why I unblocked her.

PurpleTrilby It actually wasn't me holding it all together. It turns out that my step father was buffering us from her. When he passed away everything became so startlingly obvious. She was so, so awful about him when he was alive. Told everyone how horrible he was, how he just lived off all her money, was lazy etc (I guess what's known as a cocklodger on MN). I never witnessed this behaviour but she was my DM so naturally, I believed every word. I'm having a really hard time dealing with his death because I struggle to reconcile who I thought he was with what was really going on.

PandemicAtTheDisco Thank you so much for coming on here and sharing that. Some days you think you're such a terrible person for cutting off someone that denies with every fibre of their being any wrongdoing. You start to question yourself, 'am I being too harsh?', 'am I over reacting?' It's nice to know that there are some people out there that can see what's going on and are attempting to make them see what they're doing.

Nothing we are saying to her makes any difference though. I can very specifically tell her that her daughters don't like something she does that affects them so she has to stop. She refuses to accept her action is wrong so refuses to see why she should stop. Her daughter's feelings don't matter.

We have tried to suggest counselling but she says that a counsellor can't make her children to be 'nice' to her (and behave as she wants) so there is no point. She's not interested in changing herself but changing her children. She doesn't see herself as being the problem.

I know what my friend wants - she wants all her children back under her control, dependent on her and with no outside life apart from her -like when they were much younger. She wants to feel that they love her above everyone else and will always put her first. She never wants to be left alone yet her actions drive everyone away.

What do you think your mother wants?

So sorry to hear this, she sounds like a version of my dad. My advice is to go NC now as this will get worse and it’s very difficult to go NC once they are in their 70s and old. I have done it and am wracked with guilt but my father’s behaviour has been, and still is so extreme that I’ve had no choice as my life just wasn’t worth living with him in it. Plus I need to protect my marriage and DC. I’ve been harassed by his neighbours as he lies about me to them.

It’s hard, but you are a human being with limits and that is okay. Your mum’s alcohol problems will likely get a lot worse with age and there’s nothing you can do for her as she can only help herself. If anything, going NC may assist her to reach her rock bottom and get help.