How do you go low contact with someone?

[LowContacter]

I want to go LC with my DH's family. It is mainly MIL, but the others enable her behaviour and so I can't be bothered with them either.

I have known them for over 2 decades and I am really angry about the way they have treated me. MIL has spent a long time belittling me and making me know that I am at the bottom of the pile and unimportant. The funny thing is, she is below average herself. It has been a major fete to bite my tongue. I've spent a long time being kind and generous and inclusive, only to be disappointed and then repeat...Anyway, I have had enough. They are never going to change and my DH is never going to confront his mum. I just want very little to do with them from now on.

His mum wants everyone to play happy families in BBQ's, meals out and special occasions. I just don't want to go. I've already told myself that once my DC are older and have flown the nest I will have nothing to do with them.

I have already opted out of a few things as I was busy which went down like a lead balloon. Now people are suggesting BBQ's when we are unlocked, days out and I feel sick. I don't want to play happy families with them. When MIL calls, I pretend to be busy and let my DH get on with it. I feel all over the place though.

Is there an art to this? I want to be LC, but also be bright and breezy and friendly when I see them (an act) so they don't have any ammo to use against me.

I'd go NO contact.
And if hubby didnt support my decision, I'd drop him too.

Life is too short to spend a millisecond pretending to like assholes in order to attempt stop them being assholes. They'll always find a way to make you miserable.

Look into cutting the lot of them out. Hell, move away if necessary.

You do what you have been. Be busy, say no, don't go.

Let your DH deal with the fallout.

But be prepared to be pulled up on your judgement of your MIL... you may find she has realised you don't think much of her and is reacting to that!

I have a stbexSIL who will tell you that I was horrible to her and she simply chose not to let me bother her. What actually happened, as family members are now saying, 20+ years later, is that she was so touchy, easy to anger, that they all placated her. Which meant sidelining me and DH.

We dealt with it by not being bothered. Which I think annoyed her more 😊

Yah just do it!

Google grey rock technique and JADE.

It works a treat.

Of course it will go down like a lead balloon. Your mistake is caring about what they think.

Just go on opting out of things. Have a friend or close family member who has some sort of long term health problem that you have to go and visit a lot.

A granny / great aunt with dementia would be ideal.

Or develop migraines / IBS that always flare up on the appropriate day.

I have an older relative who has avoided every single family event for 20 years by

Having a headache
The cat being sick

And the most creative - becoming a Jehovah’s Witness which apparently means that she can’t go to any christenings/ wedding or funerals. Even the funeral at the crematorium as apparently it was taken by a local vicar.

I went LC with my parents by letting phone always go to answerphone when they called and only returning the call once a week or month at a time when I felt strong enough to handle the barbs.

Cut all calls short immediately she starts bitching. The first bitchy comment she utters, you don't reply, you just cut in breezily with, 'Oops, got to go now.' If you want, have a stream of excuses ready: 'someone at the door, call coming in on the other line, call waiting, DC need me, something on the stove is about to boil over. Bye for now!' – super bright and breezy. But you don't have to give a reason. You can say, 'Got to go now!' and hang up without an excuse. Do this immediately every time she starts bitching but not if she doesn't.

Turn up to all events that are easy e.g. cinema or theatre visits or sports fixtures - anything where her opportunities for bitching are limited.
Turn up for the occasional party or dinner and grey rock if she bitches. E.g. MiL: I see you have graced us with your presence at last. You: Where would you like me to put these sausage rolls?
My power phrase with my dad is - 'Oh! Just a moment!' as if I have suddenly remembered something important. I then walk out of the room and don't return until I feel ready.

But be prepared to be pulled up on your judgement of your MIL... you may find she has realised you don't think much of her and is reacting to that!

She already is, that is why I am questioning whether I am doing LC well enough. What I want is to do is e.g. not turn up for stuff as often, be busy, etc. but be squeaky clean so if they do pull me up on it, I can gaslight them back, as they have always done to me, with an "oh, I don't know what you are talking about. It must all be in your head".

They are onto me as I am no longer doing what they want me to do as in, buying them massive Christmas presents when I get nothing back and not inviting them to things we do (in between lockdowns). Whenever I speak to them I say "hi, how are you"...then there is a 5-second silence and I get a low-toned "oh, hi" and a cat's bum face.

I did care, but I am very fast-moving towards not caring. My DH will never have an argument with them as he'd lose as he won't stick up for himself. He has FOG and he was brought up this way in this matriarchial regime. I on the other hand was brought up by a loving mother, who never had a bad word to say about anyone. I know what she does is not right. DH won't ever do anything about it so I want to extract myself from it. I have wasted too many years people-pleasing to keep the peace and I am not doing it anymore. I've realised that she won't change and at one point she made me feel ill and tried to chew up and spit out my self-esteem, and very nearly succeeded. At the end of the day she is not MY mother and I don't have to put up with her. There is no point confronting her about her behaviour as I have done it before and her DH and other DC just jump in and defend her. Plus she won't ever change as she thinks controlling other people is her right. I just don't want to spend any more time than I absolutely have to with her.

So, keep doing what I am doing? I don't want to upset my DH as he has enough crap to put up WRT them.

Yes, just keep on doing that. And actually you don't have to have an acceptable reason, it can be far more 'fun' to have a stupid, sincerely imparted reason for not attending something.

I've not gone to birthday parties because I've been somewhere else that day. Just that "Oh no! I'm somewhere else that day"

DH used to enjoy giving a none excuse. So much so he eventually started using them for himself.

He too was deep in FOG when we first met. But he was already in resentful mode, so didn't need much support to stand up for himself. Which came in handy, as my family are just as bad and he helped me out of my own FOG.

Cut all calls short immediately she starts bitching. The first bitchy comment she utters, you don't reply, you just cut in breezily with, 'Oops, got to go now.' If you want, have a stream of excuses ready: 'someone at the door, call coming in on the other line, call waiting, DC need me, something on the stove is about to boil over. Bye for now!' – super bright and breezy. But you don't have to give a reason. You can say, 'Got to go now!' and hang up without an excuse. Do this immediately every time she starts bitching but not if she doesn't

I do somet similar with my mother but I don't give an excuse. Just cut her dead. They always look surprised but it does the trick.

You don't have to visit for dos. Tell husband to take the kids and have a good time. You don't have to give a reason.

If you're pulled up on it just tell them it's all in their head.