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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sh**ty xmas do's

16 replies

feezy · 28/10/2004 21:27

why does dh not understand that Idon't want him to go on xmas do because colleague he had cozy friendship with that involved text with xxx will be there. She worked for him and he feels he needs to be seen with his team etc etc and yes I haven't learnt to trust him again yet

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 28/10/2004 21:38

In your position I think I'd either go to show all (inc her) that I was very much around. Or I'd tell him he couldn't.

Original poster
feezy · 28/10/2004 21:42

I would be only non staff bod.

OP posts:
Original poster
feezy · 28/10/2004 21:43

I told him I wouldn'tbudge and he said that we are likely to clash when decision comes

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pinkroses · 28/10/2004 22:07

My dh was insistant a couple of years back about going to Christmas do on his own....as no other partners would be going.

I let him go, but found out a few weeks later that he had snogged some girl from the office. I forgave him, but he isn't allowed at ofice do's on his own anymore.

There's no reason you can't go....just be harsh with him

manutd · 28/10/2004 23:40

He is a grown man capable of making his own decisions .He wants to go. It is not really up to you.
If you push him to do things your way it will do no good in the long run.
Sorry to be frank but marriage does not preclude cozy friendships.

KristinaM · 28/10/2004 23:47

Oh really ManUtd???? Well ours does.If it means intimate "cozy friendships" with members of the opposite sex.Call me old fashioned.......

jampot · 28/10/2004 23:52

a couple of years ago a man in our office had a partner who was insanely jealous (not saying you are btw) and insisted on being invited/included in everything. Well xmas meal out was booked and this man announced (not even to boss - his best friend) that his partner insisted she came along. she would have been the only non staff person apart from boss's wife who is still a partner in teh firm. Anyway meal was cancelled because he couldn't tell her not to come. I think personally you should let him go (alone) but insist on meeting him afterwards for a drink - reminding him he stands to lose his balls if he sets foot out of line

manutd · 29/10/2004 00:15

KristinaM I did not put that very well!
Just mean you can't force someone to behave (or not behave) the way you want them to just because you are married.
If HE wants to have a cozy frienship there is nothing you can do about it.
A wedding band is protection against diddly squat.
dh is pretty chummy with some of the girls from work,I trust him to draw the line where HE sees fit, not where I see fit.
vocabulary like "allowing" "letting" your partner do something means you are on shaky ground and he is more likely to go behind your back.
You can "allow" your kids to do whatever but not another adult.

jampot · 29/10/2004 00:24

Actually I am very good friends with a chap I used to work with and until my dh met him was quite jealous of him. We still speak weekly and meet up for lunch occasionally (and with his lovely wife) but mainly my contact is with him. We do tend to speak during our respective work times and not necessarily during "home" hours but that is more out of respect for our partners. However his wife is really lovely and Im sure she doesn;t feel anything odd in our friendship. btw they've just had their first baby on Tuesday

Original poster
feezy · 29/10/2004 08:40

Unfortunately I do not know how to trust him. I wish I could wave a magic wand because I know it is damaging our relationship but once you've had your fingers burnt you don't want it to happen again.
He works 40 miles from where we live so meeting him for a drink is not realistic but perhaps an option. His "compromise" is that in the past he has stopped at hotel but he is "willing" to get train home. I do feel like we are both being stubborn. It would be nice just for once for him to say "yes I realize how difficult this is and we will find a way of making you feel better etc etc"

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alicatsg · 29/10/2004 09:04

Sounds like he's trying to meet you half way - I'd settle for the train home as at least that means you know he's clockwatching to make sure he gets it.

However, tbh if he's gonna do something he shouldn't he could do it during a normal week, doesn't have to be at the Christmas party. Don't make the party the issue - makes misbehaving more appealing.

themoneyshot · 29/10/2004 09:55

If, as you say, you have learned to trust him again, why are you crippling yourself emotionally over this annual shindig. When he does go, try and occupy your mind with something else rather than dwell on thoughts that will negatively impact upon your physical and psychological health.

jojo38 · 29/10/2004 16:01

Hi - I'd let him go. No one is saying you have to trust him.

You are in a way showing some sort of trust IF you let him go without you. I know he let you down before but maybe he will think twice this time. If he doesn't you will get to know about it and bingo, there's your answer.

You are both grown ups. Give him the shovel, see what he does with it. If he uses it to lean on, fine, if he uses it to dig his grave (ie let you down again) then at least you know that you were right not to trust him. Not easy, I know.

Hope it gets sorted. {{{hugs}}}

manutd · 29/10/2004 23:28

feezy when I went to bed last night I felt really bad about what I had written in case it upset you and I do hope this was not the case. Me and my hub have reached a happier place in our marriage but have had some terrible times.

Your point it would be nice if he was to say.. etc sums up a lot of our relationship. To me it is blindingly obvious when he does ( or does not do ) or says things which cause me pain and I could never understand why he coould not just shift his behaviour a little bit to make things better between us.

About six months ago I had a blinding revelation. HE WAS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND IN HIS MIND WHY SHOULD HE.
Since than I have worked at accepting him for the way he is and lo and behold his behaviour to me has got tons better and we are getting along better than ever before.I am completely "off his back"(not that I thought I was particularly on it) and he is far nicer as a result.

manutd · 29/10/2004 23:29

jojos bit about the shovel was great

what actually happened to make you lose trust?

Original poster
feezy · 30/10/2004 14:05

Thanks for thinking about me manutd. Every relationship is different and for me it wouldn't work if cozy relationships with opposite sex were part of it. I know what you mean about vocab and they were words we used to use.
Unfortunately I am of a very jealous and possesive nature and I am really trying so hard to overcome - sounds a cop out but alot of it has to do with relationship my parents had and my non existant relationship with my father.
I know I need to back off - but then I think I'm not being me.
What happened....I don't know and I think thats worse. I have posted about it under feezy or mambo.
I think what you said jojo38 was very perceptive and I will take it on board. we love each other but I feel like I'm pushing a self distruct button and I don't want to.
I assume you manutd fan - we're big liverpool fans
and hopefully will have nice day as we have friends over and dh is making curry. They are blackburn rovers fans so it will be interesting.
Every day I think I am going to be positive today.

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