Dh soooooooo miserable

[Whaa]

Hello, just wondered if anyone has advice on how to protect themselves from their partners misery? Dh always complaining about managers etc. I know normally people would vent in the pub on Friday but what wilt lockdown Im told how hard his job is, How rubbish manager is..All The Time. Every time we go for a walk. Every time we put the kettle on. Always. I understand he needs to vent and his work is hard, but I’m finding it very draining. Is there a way to listen and somehow not take it on board?
All suggestions welcome!

Could you set a designated time where he can do his moaning and you'll listen and then once that is over he has to let it go and STFU about it for the rest of the evening?

I did this for years until I noticed what I was doing. He was ranting, and I was allowing him all the airtime. I sat and listened, soothed, offered advice etc. It was every job he was in, work relationships, him needing control, etc etc.
The dynamic is not so much that he's having problems at work BUT the process of coming home and whining to his Mummy (that's you!) about the other people that are being mean to him.
The dynamic is that he tries to get sympathy from you. He has to keep painting a picture of himself as a victim.
You have to push back. Say I love you but I can't listen to this day in and day out, you need to go to counselling and sort out why these work relationships are troubling you.
You, for your part, I suspect, don't share your feelings much. It's easier to talk about him. That's what I discovered.
I was feeding into it by not making him listen to my issues, my feelings, my worries or things that I encountered during the day. I was mothering him. It was all oh the poor man and his issues.

I don't think you need coping strategies more that he needs boundaries.

My DH has a tendency to get bogged down in the stress of his job during difficult periods; it might sound uncaring but if I start teaching a limit then I tell him. I might say, "Ok, we've been talking about this for X amount of times now, can we change the subject?' Or I might cut him off and say, 'That sounds stressful; let's just enjoy this break/walk/whatever.' I have been known to say, 'Nope, it's X now, I can't hear any more work chat today.'

Crucially it always stops him in his tracks and/or he's apologetic. I think attitude her is crucial. If your DH doesn't care that he's upsetting you then there is a bigger problem.

*setting, not teaching!

Frankly I wouldn't listen at all.

It's attention seeking and victim behaviour. Tell him to cut it out or find another job.

I had one of those. It was hell listening to that all the time!
We used to ride to the train station together in the morning and he would bitch and moan the entire time. My job was already stressful enough without him stressing me out first thing every morning with his moaning.

It'll be hard at first but just stop listening to it. Change the subject every single time. Leave the room if you have to. You know he isn't going to do anything about it and you're his dumping ground.

@Whaa

Hello, just wondered if anyone has advice on how to protect themselves from their partners misery? Dh always complaining about managers etc. I know normally people would vent in the pub on Friday but what wilt lockdown Im told how hard his job is, How rubbish manager is..All The Time. Every time we go for a walk. Every time we put the kettle on. Always. I understand he needs to vent and his work is hard, but I’m finding it very draining. Is there a way to listen and somehow not take it on board? All suggestions welcome!

Let him rant, have less than half an ear on the ranting, say "yes" and "no" in the right places.

Job done, it works.

Thanks everyone! I did tell him it’s what he was doing and he said, ‘oh I am arent I ?’ And within a minute he was doing it again.😏
Sadie9 thank you, that’s food for thought. It is easier to let him talk - now I’m wondering why..
I guess everyone needs to rant, I will train myself not to listen!
Just when he says he can’t do the job and we’ll have to move I try not to, but I do get anxious.
Fellas!

It’s not fair that he puts it all onto you.
I have a similar situation with my DH. He ranted at me about his family and I would listen and offer advice. He never took my advice or tried to change what was happening, so it was constant aggravation that caused me stress. So I told him not to tell me what was going on, I absolutely refuse to listen to anything about his family.

My husband is the same and has been like this in every single job he's had. It's magnified now that he's working from home, so along with the detailed explanations of the processes at his work and the moaning about how his colleagues have annoyed him, there are lots of sighs and a gloomy tone of voice every time we cross each other in the house. It's draining.

I've tended to just go "Mm hmm" "Oh dear" "sounds difficult" and change the subject as quickly as I can, but he doesn't take the hint. Perhaps I need to say it bluntly. I like the advice from a PP to say to him, I can't listen to this day in day out.

My ex OH was the same, in a high pressure job where he just complained about everything. I used to block it out most times, he'd be happy with the odd 'really?!' 'Omg' He simply needed someone to vent to and I let I go in one ear out the other, sometimes I'd crack a joke to lighten the mood and make him snap out of moany mode. I used to moan to my friend about it and she said 'you've got to listen to him he needs you ' that's when I realised he did just need me and an ear. Don't let it drain you, take it with a pinch of salt

Just tell him your sick of hearing about it Jesus

My mum used to do this. Came home and ranted about work every single day, for hours. Eventually I snapped and said 'if you hate it so much, you need to leave'. She then said she loved her job

I think some venting is okay, but eventually you're within your rights to say 'this isn't improving, so what are you doing to do to change it? Either time for a new job or accept this is your lot.'

I HATE that constant negativity and have vowed to never moan about work in the evenings. The only times I have, it's always made me feel worse anyway.

Set a time limit for sure, but this is at the stage where he should see a counsellor or coach if possible to change his situation or learn some coping skills. It sounds like he’s going in circles so not helping him anyway.

@Whaa

Thanks everyone! I did tell him it’s what he was doing and he said, ‘oh I am arent I ?’ And within a minute he was doing it again.😏 Sadie9 thank you, that’s food for thought. It is easier to let him talk - now I’m wondering why.. I guess everyone needs to rant, I will train myself not to listen! Just when he says he can’t do the job and we’ll have to move I try not to, but I do get anxious. Fellas!

Keep telling him he's dragging you down. Don't tell him he needs to stop. Don't talk about his behaviour. Talk about how you feel. 'I feel like I take your work issues on board myself. I feel really low, now.'

Just put it on repeat. 'Letting him talk' isn't what either of you wants. It's patronising to him, and doesn't actually solve the problem for you. 'Stop listening to your spouse' is never going to be a good solution to a relationship problem. 'Communicate your feelings clearly to your spouse' always will be (with the exception of abusive relationships)

Hopefully if he keeps getting reminded that he's ruining your day, he'll do something about it.