Why can't I tell him I want to separate?

[scaredsadandstuck]

Since I posted this thread here I've done little else but think about what to do next. I have been fairly certain for some time that our marriage is over and that a very significant factor is what he did several years ago, that I've tried to bury/avoid for so long and have only recently come fully understand and accept the seriousness of it.

But... I feel sick with worry about actually telling him that I want to separate. I can't bring myself to do it. I have fully formed plan - I've even worked out how we could share parenting and how we could organise our living arrangements and finances. But it's like there is a huge wall or block that stops me from getting the words out of my mouth. I can't take the next step.

I need help to understand why I'm like this. I appreciate that everyone would feel anxious to some degree about something like this, but honestly I've felt like this for literally years.

Following with interest

I can sympathies. When I was in your situation it took me weeks to pluck up the courage. What helped me, was to write down what I needed to say, and to practice a few times. I also wrote down any ideas I had of what he might say in response , ie that he'd try to win me over or prove that I was wrong. And then I practiced what I could say in those scenarios.

I finally set a day as "separation day", I went out and got my hair and nails done ( to make me feel confident - I know, I shouldn't have had to but that's what I did). Then when he came home from work I said " I need to speak to you" and then launched into my speech. My practice sessions really helped , and I got over that initial talk , and separated a few weeks later.

I'm not saying that this was right for everyone, but it worked for me. Best wishes to you - I hope it works out for you.

*sympathise , not sympathies !

I remember you previous post very well, and you definitely need to get away from this man. Think of your children and do the right thing for them. Open your mouth and just say it. You will be so glad you did.

a very significant factor is what he did several years ago, that I've tried to bury/avoid for so long and have only recently come fully understand and accept the seriousness of it.

This is probably the crucial factor - when an issue comes from the past, you feel like he will brush it off, tell you to move on, etc. And then for you to initiate a separation based on those old hurts, you might be feeling that it's all in the past and that your feelings NOW are not valid because of the passage of time.

I can reassure you that your feelings are totally valid - time doesn't heal old wounds like yours, as I well know. Until you can deal with them, they remain just as fresh as the day they first happened.

Just because this awful thing happened years ago, doesn't mean you have to live with the pain for any longer. You've made your decision, made a plan , so do try doing a "practice run" as I mentioned above, it really helps to get the words out of your mouth before you see him. Once you've said it once, it gets much easier the next time. Sending my best thoughts and wishes to you.

If you're worried he'll minimise or dismiss your feelings because it didn't happen recently you don't need to tell him thats why you're seperating. Time doesn't make what he did less horrible or less of a betrayal. But it doesn't have to be told to him as the reason. You could say something like our relationship is toxic and there's too much hurt and anger between us to go on or to try fix things. That the marriage is over for you and you want to seperate and divorce. If he asks questions just rinse and repeat. You don't owe him an explanation after what he did.

I wanted to leave my marriage for years. Probably right. I knew I would but I was frozen and scared of change. All the same reasons as stated by others.

We had been for counselling two and a half years earlier when I first said I wanted to leave. Nothing changed.

At the start of the week something came over me. By the Saturday afternoon I had summoned the courage to do it. The only way I knew I could do it was while she was out I put my things in my car and prepared for her to come home to tell her. I'm not proud of this. It's a regret to this day. I knew that if I managed to get the strength to put those things in the car then I could do it. I was moving back home round the corner to my mums. My old childhood bed is left when I got married 20 years earlier.

I'm so much happier now. I'm single but happy.

Just do it. There is never an easy way. It's the start of the rest of your life. Good luck.

That should have read probably eight years.

Because you are scared. It's not unusual to feel that way. It doesn't require any great analysis.

You take a breath, hold in your mind why you are doing it, and push yourself.

Because it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I did it 18 months ago. As @starrynight21did, I set a day and prepared myself as much as possible because I knew that once I had said it, there was no going back. Mine was an abusive situation, and I had the help of a counsellor to plan it as safely as possible. I was nervous as hell, but by that point I just wanted to get the words out instead of worrying about it any more because the stress of anticipation was eating me alive.

I think @starrynight21 has nailed it.

Unfortunately I've been in this situation a few times. It doesn't get easier with practice! Everyone is different in how they react and you know yourself how that's likely to be.
With my exDH, it took me a long time to pluck up courage. I wrote letters to him and screwed them up. I'd pick a certain day to do it and bottle out. Finally I just blurted it out - I want to separate, I'm not in love with you any more. Once those first few words are out of your mouth, it gets easier and the adrenalin rush helps!
More recently I found my DP (18mths-not living together) was messaging another woman. I wait for him to leave the house and sent him a message ending it. Knowing how he'd react, I just couldn't tell him to his face.

Thank you all - especially @starrynight21 - your posts really help a lot

I have got a speech in my head but I'm going to write it out to help me fix it in my mind.