Is he having doubts about separating?

[x1985x]

My husband drinks a fair bit. More so when he’s down. He’s had two people very close to his die over the last 17 months. One unexpected. Then we have lockdown. This has had a big impact on him I believe.

So now he’s said he’s unhappy within our marriage. I believe he’s unhappy with himself, not me but he won’t have that and he’s left our home. Working away through the week and staying in a hotel on a weekend. He’s blown hot and cold and they’ve been fairly extreme.

Anyway, things have calmed down now. I got an anonymous message to say he was seeing his ex girlfriends. I was distraught. After a few days I got in contact and told him. He went mad and was saying I don’t deserve it, it’s not true, he wants to know who sent them and when he was home at the weekend he actually went looking for the person he thought may be responsible.

I know 100% this isn’t true. I did have my doubts but I’m not completely certain.

So he came over after work on Friday (before trying to hunt down the culprit!) he said it was to see our dog. Whilst here we were chatting and joking etc. he also at one point referred to our house as where “we” lived.

He also stood fairly close as I tried to get past so that I had to brush past him. As he’s staying in a hotel I offered him our spare room. His reply was, best not we’ll only end up sleeping together!

So he left and went back drinking. Called me the next morning to say he was still fuming about the messages etc. again I mentioned our spare room but he said, I told you I can’t stay or we’ll just end up sleeping together and things will go back to normal.

I offered to pick him up from his hotel as he was waiting for a taxi to pick up his car. He said, I don’t need you to shears pick me up. A little short I thought. I called him back as I had to end the call as I was in a busy place and couldn’t hear. He’d got is taxi by then but asked me to pick him up on my way past and drop him two streets away.

He seems to be drinking an awful lot more now and said a fair few times over the last few days that he’s in a bad place and his head is messed up etc.

I’m second guessing everything he’s saying and questioning everything that’s happening. I’m constantly wanting him to get in touch (I’m trying not to contact him first at all although I have once or twice) and I’m upset when he’s not. He’s made plans to come over for the next two weeks to sort out bills and the house etc.

He’s also acting bizarrely and saying he’s buying ridiculously expensive house and so on.

What’s going on? Does he want me back, is he realising the grass isn’t greener. What do I do. I just want him to come home. Whatever our problems, I’m miserable without him.

I think he might be with his ex.

He’s definitely not with his ex. I know this 100%

How?

Mutual friends, her boyfriend, things he’s said, I’ve taken him to his friends house while he’s been home, he wouldn’t stay in a hotel ...just various things but he definitely isn’t with her.

I've read your post a few times. Why do you want him back? I can't see anything positive about him

How long are you married? Assume no DC?

It sounds very like he's seeing someone, possibly the ex.

The drinking alone is a massive problem & reason to end it.

Yeah don’t bother wasting your time. My husband acts the same way, I think they just like to see if we’re still hung up on them in case the side chick falls through. He may not be seeing the ex gf, but I bet he’s seeing someone.

11 years and almost 6 married. He’s my husband and I love him. He’s far from perfect and has his issues but the good far outweighs the bad.

He isn’t seeing someone. He’s been working away and drinking with his work friends in hotel rooms because of lockdown. He’s he’s home I know where he’s been.

He is an angry alcoholic who doesnt want you. Why are you chasing him?

He is staying on a hotel. Why do you think you KNOW he isn't seeing someone else? How do you know the other person is lying?

There’s a lot to but I’m certain he isn’t with anyone else.

Why would someone send you an anonymous message about an ex? He's telling you he doesn't want you... if he wanted you he'd jump at the chance to shag you. He's playing Mind games.

So what are the good points OP?

So far we've got:

• he's a problem drinker
• he's depressed & taking that out on you
• he says he's unhappy with the marriage, you say it's within himself, he disagrees
• he's blowing hot & cold & both are extreme
• lots of weird stuff about not picking him up / dropping him streets away (I didn't get this really)
• possible ex on the scene

It's not stacking up so well.

Bit suss you got that message.

Too soon. I meant it's a bit suss that you're separated and get sent it.

Do you think it is likely someone created an anonymous account to send you a lie about your husband? What would anyone have to gain from that?

Also, he isnt interested in you. He has left you.

Why do you think he would react so angrily to a lie? To try to track them down?

About 6 weeks ago I found out that he’d bumped into his ex girlfriend and they’d kept in contact. We’ve been together for 11 years and married for 6. Shortly after he got drunk and got nasty telling me he wanted a divorce. Went on a bender but when he sorted himself out he was embarrassed and sorry and swore that nothing was going on. Four weeks later he got drunk and nasty again and we’ve now separated and he’s left our house and wants to be bought out. The other day we were arguing in messages and I received one from him that I KNOW he didn’t write. Could it be the ex? If it is and they’re talking again and trying to reconcile (from 15 years ago!) where does that leave me? Will their relationship work? Will he realise he’s made a mistake? I can’t think straight. He’s denied 100% that anything has or will happen between them but my suspicions are growing because I know he didn’t write that text.

You said this not even two weeks ago, op.

Where does it leave you? Divorced. You need to realise he has gone as a partner and is only existing now to make your life harder.

Dear OP - this is very painful for you but whether or not there’s someone else, he’s treating you with contempt and you’re tolerating it. Time to find your anger and self-respect and take some power back. Anyone who treats you like this is not worth holding on to. Of course you’re miserable right now - it’s heartbreaking to be treated like this - but the misery will pass.

And while I don’t think he sounds worth having back, you’re making him feel very secure that he can waltz back in if he feels like it. If you start acting like you accept the separation and you’re cutting him loose, there’s actually more of a chance that he will realise what he stands to lose and try to come back. He might not but right now, you’re giving him all the power and he has no incentive to get his act together.

Do you have any real life support in this? I think that would help a lot.

OP he has left you, he’s probably seeing someone else. You now need clear boundaries in place .

Yes, I’ve got a great support network. It’s just so hard to go through this. I’ve spent such a long time with this person and my life is being turned on it’s head and I have no control over that. I’m not making excuses for his disgusting behaviour but despite that, he’s still my husband and I can’t just turn my feelings off. If he’s in a bad place I have an overwhelming sense of protectiveness over him. I realise that might make me sound weak but that’s how I feel. I know I need to look after myself and I’m trying to do that too.

It’s good to know you’ve got RL support. You sound like a lovely person. You also sound like you’re letting him walk all over you. You can’t switch off the love but you can find your anger and your power. Don’t you think that would serve you better?

'the good far outweighs the bad''

I think you need to examine your logic there. If the good truly outweighed the bad, then you would not be separating now!!

It does sound like he may be seeing someone else, usually thats why men leave. Sorry to say.

I think giving him some space will help as he knows you are there waiting... let him miss you. Think about protecting yourself, not him.

Honestly it sounds like he’s spiralling to a breakdown, erratic behaviour, drinking, probably other women. From experience the only thing you can do here is get wrapped into it and dragged down the hellhole with him. You have kids, don’t allow it or you will lose yourself for him.

I’ve been there it drags and ends awfully.

Step away, make it clear that when he seeks help for his MH, behaviour and drinking you’ll be open to talking. Until then grey stone. You can’t be with a man who is in this space you’ll be destroyed.

Step away, and if you won’t do it for yourself as you feel part of your “job” is to protect him with your love and loyalty (been there), then do it FOR YOUR KIDS.

They need at least one functioning parent and a calm stable home.

That’s very good advice and seems to sum up the situation very well. Although I don’t have children, neither of us do.

I'm sorry it sucks OP but I can't see anything from his behaviour suggesting that he wants you back or the grass was greener. He is playing with your mind and I know you don't want to believe it, but there will be someone else, there always is.

Can you cut contact? Do you have kids? If no kids then go no contact for your own wellbeing. He will only drag you down further the more he lets you hope that he will change his mind.