Should I be concerned

[Harrypotter21]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year now but I’m getting concerned for where our relationship is heading. My boyfriend divorced his wife about 9 years ago moved out and found his on place. But just before I started to date him he moved back into the ex wife house and she moved out due to not being able to financially able to run the home and placing herself in debt. I have been told my boyfriend will stay in the property for 3/5 years in order for her to pay off her debt and save money. But my concern is that she still texts quite a few times a week and she is still able to come and go to the property as and when she feels as there child who is 22 still lives there and she has to visit him as he gets upset when she doesn’t. He has no respect for my boyfriend and treats the house like a pigsty. The child in question does absolutely nothing all day and night apart from sit and play games and stream on his computer and gets treated like royalty for his laziness. I saw a similar post on here about a 21 year old man being treated like a prince and I can relate so much to this post as this is my situation right now. I’m even slowly losing respect for my partner for treating his adult son like a complete baby. But my partner and his ex wife are incredibly close and I’m starting to wonder if the wool is being pulled over my eyes . I have met the ex wife and she seems pleasant enough but something still doesn’t sit right with me. People say trust your instincts but am I trusting them or just looking for things that aren’t there . Please some good advice will be much appreciated.

[SakuraEdenSwan1]

It's not unusual for 22 year olds to still live at home @Harrypotter21 and quite frankly it's none of your concern how his parents treat him, just end the relationship because you clearly are not happy.

[Harrypotter21]

I have always been told from day one that they will not sell the martial home as they believe it would make there son spiral out of control and they need to keep him safe. I don’t live there there so the contact they have with one another whether it’s her going round there or daily contact by phone all I know is that are very close friends I will never know. Yes I know the son would never look good to any employer but he is not bothered by this . My boyfriend and his ex wife are quite happy for him to stay at home and live in his room. Me personally don’t think this is healthy to shut yourself away like that and this has been happening since he was 17 and neither parent is bothered by this. It’s just worrying.

[3rdNamechange]

You've been with him for a year and you don't know if he's divorced ?

[Frazzledd]

@3rdNamechange

You've been with him for a year and you don't know if he's divorced ?

I was thinking this- ?

Do you have conversations about any of this with him? My first question would be 'whats your marital status!?'...Next, how often do you see your ex.....all of this is very much your business!

Your also stating your very concerned about how your boyfriend and his wife (?) are choosing to parent their son, how unhealthy you think it all is, concern for his welfare....these are strong views and you sound frustrated by it, not healthy.

I think you need to voice all of this to your partner, your questions/concerns..everything! Is there a reason your holding back from opening up, have you been told its none of your business??

[Harrypotter21]

He’s told me he’s divorced. So I can only believe him . Yes we have discussed certain issues. He tells me that she comes to the house once a week to take there son out . So I can only again believe what he is telling me. I don’t see that I’m frustrated at all I have stated that I don’t understand why you would allow your child to isolate themselves from everything and this has been happening since he was 17 . They said he has depression but I feel there is more to it and there just not telling me. And why would you treat a 22 year old man like a 10 year old child. I don’t see how I’m concerned about that as unhealthy . And also she has moved out to get herself together and is quite happy for him to repair and redecorate the house and garden for in 2/3/4 years time tell him to move out because she wants to move back in . Yes I’m aware it’s his choice . Partly his home and his wage his spending I just see it unfair as I certainly wouldn’t ask that of my ex husband. I see it as I marriage is desolved and the commitment to the up keep of my house is desolved too . . Just have concerns with all of this.

[Harrypotter21]

@SakuraEdenSwan1 no it’s not unusual for 22 year olds to live at home. God for bid you ever get into a relationship with someone who has children. Because you sound like you will only be in it for yourself and partner. Getting with someone who has children your suppose to take them on as a package not turn your back on them and have no concerns with them.

[Candyfloss99]

It doesn't sound like they are divorced, the whole point of getting divorced is to work out the financials and split things up, not keep the house in both names, how would that help the son? I would move on, you deserve better than a man who doesn't know whether he is still with the ex or not.

[Harrypotter21]

Well he told me he was from the start. So I’m only go on what I’m told. I don’t understand myself why they have left the house in both names. Like I say they are extremely good friends. What purpose would it serve to tell me he was if he wasn’t. Why repair and put money time and effort into a home that you know in a few years your not going to live in it . I don’t understand anything anymore.

[Frazzledd]

@Harrypotter21 I think you need to ask yourself do you want to be in a situation like this?

It sounds like your being kept out of the loop and at a distance. You don't know what is fact (you can 'only go on what your told' so there's no real knowledge there, or trust?).

You say your taking on 'a package' in regards to their son thats also 'none of your business'....??

You just don't sound close to this man, or even like your actually in a relationship with him that's going anywhere??

Are you really going to do this for another 3 years while him and his wife are keeping a house together, staying with each other, financially still dependent on each other...it doesn't sound like they're separated at all??

Where do you see this going?? I'd walk away- FWIW I'd be frustrated and confused living in this, go be happy!!!