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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Its over, right?

31 replies

Hcusognu · 22/02/2021 13:24

If you argue every single day its over isn't it?

OP posts:
wusbanker · 22/02/2021 21:48

It sounds like the communication between you has completely broken down, but if you love him then there are things you can do. It's not irreparable.

Tell him what you need without blaming him. "I love spending time with you and have so much fun when you are present with me and the baby. Can we try to do more of that in the evenings, without the phones?"

Give him small compliments throughout the day to lower the current tension and let him know that you love him.

Most importantly, give up on being right. Arguing does not help anything. You are two people with entirely different perspectives, standards and expectations trying to agree on everything - you just won't! There's no need to hash out every little thing because you're not going to see things the same way, and that's fine.

If he disagrees with you then ask questions to understand why, rather than dismissing his views and just going back and forth until one of you relents.

Instead of trying to place blame or convince him to do what you want, acknowledge his feelings and preface your statements with "I feel/I want" rather than "you've done this/you are wrong/we need to do this" which will put him on the defensive, and then ask him what he thinks a good idea would be.

For example, "I understand that you feel like I nag you. I just feel frustrated sometimes when I have to remind you of things so I feel like you haven't listened to me. What do you think we could do about that moving forward?"

Most importantly, let go of the little things. I don't know what your everyday arguments are about, but if it's not important then just let it go. That's key to a happy relationship, I think.

Hcusognu · 22/02/2021 23:05

@WingingItAtLife that was really helpful. That chipping away feeling is exactly how I feel. This time round I don't care hes gone, I even celebrated when baby woke up from his nap, dancing around the room.. awful really.
But living with him is like living with this horrible cloud over my head. When he's not here it's lifted. I just have fear of being left alone. Something I'm for sure working on.

And believe me @wusbanker I have tried all of that. Its a temporary fix because it never sticks. I can't stick to the calm nature when he angers me so much and he can't stick to being more present and helpful.
But thank you.

I think the person who said the relationship is utter shit is spot on. It is. Its boring, toxic and unloving. Time to move on.

OP posts:
WingingItAtLife · 23/02/2021 11:00

@Hcusognu
How are you this morning?

Hcusognu · 23/02/2021 23:43

Thanks for asking. Up and down. One minute I'm glad its heading towards being over the next I just want to hug him.
I'm okay tonight. I feel a bit lonely but I remind myself he would've only been downstairs playing PC anyway...

OP posts:
WingingItAtLife · 24/02/2021 11:29

Its hard going in the beginning.
In the early stages i spent a lot of hours trawling through thread after thread on here and on Gingerbread (single parent website with a forum but not as active as here)
I found reading about others storied really helped.
I still occasionally get that lonely feeling but I think that's normal, I haven't lived 'on my own' ever... Got with ex at 18 and moved in together so that side of things is all very new.
I message my friends in the evening a lot x

steadyasugo · 26/02/2021 11:33

Keep working at it

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