How normal is this?

[PebblesE]

For a man (for example my dh) to think about sex and fancy a handful of the women he works with?
He says it’s standard man behaviour and just fantasies (although he has had an emotional affair there with one who has now left).
Am I being naive to believe he’s not seeking something else out that he’s clearly missing with me. Or, is this normal?
I don’t fantasise about men I know even though I appreciate if they’re good looking humans.
Help...

Why has he told you he does this? I don’t think it’s just male behaviour or normal or something you should put up with

I think it's quite common OP but to admit to it is another thing and very hurtful to you. For me personally, I might think - he's fit/good looking etc but that's as far as it goes and I've never fantasied about them. I never had posters on my wall as a teen either!
I think the fact that he had an emotional affair in the past and now this revelation, would make you feel very uncomfortable and erode the trust.

Why would he tell you that?!

The emotional affair is the problem. I don't like the thought of a partner fancying other people but I'd be a hypocrite if I said I'd never thought things.
Attraction is human nature, acting in it is weakness but that's just my opinion

Yes I think to tell you that was out of line... And a very hurtful thing to say... Not to mention you will now be thinking of this everytime he goes to work.

The emotional affair is a very long story and I later found some scribblings by him about how he had thoughts about umpteen women in that workplace. Since I found out, lockdown has meant I haven’t had to deal with that building and now it’s looming, I’m deeply insecure so probed him.
He admitted to having thoughts of a sexual nature with more than woman there.
He doesn’t think it’s a big deal and generalising all the time

I think it's fairly normal to fancy a couple of his colleagues. I'm a woman and I have in the past fancied one or two of my male colleagues. I've never done anything about it though. The emotional affair is the issue here.

I think it’s more than the EA that’s the issue. He wrote in a diary ‘there’s so much potential to fuck up so many marriages here’
Also scribbling about a young female he obviously massively admired. The EA person is out the picture but he glorified others there and they are still there.
Yes, the EA ruin Ed trust but to get it back I have to believe he’s not still glorifying/fantasising all the time.
He says they were ‘brain farts’ from a man very sad and despondent about his relationship at the time

My husband would never admit this to me (nor would I want him to)

Absolutely normal to fantasize occasionally about fucking your colleagues.

Totally abnormal to tell your partner this! But if you were pressing him for the truth, I can understand why he said it.

Do you worry that he's being quite overt about it at work and potentially making these colleagues uncomfortable? (Not including the EA person who you said has left.)

I also think it’s fairly normal to fancy other people. Not everyone does but I certainly do. Marriage vows wouldn’t be necessary if everyone else simply ceased to be attractive. It’s what you do about it that matters. For me, part of loving and being committed to my DH is about not pursuing attractions to other people, because you value your partner far above and beyond any attraction to other people. That said, he didn’t need to say it and I wonder why he did.

No, to meet him you’d never in a million years think he’d carry on like that or write those things. My friends were is complete shock when I told them. He’s a very hard worker and very busy mostly there.
He’s not at all flirtatious so I don’t believe he’d make anyone feel awkward or uncomfortable at all.

I'm close to a lot of my male colleagues and they all admit to having sexual fantasies about some of their female colleagues. What they wouldn't do is act on them or tell their partners, its fantasy only. I think a lot of men maybe while away the working day doing this and as a woman I've privately done it too.

Why is he telling you this though? He must know its hurting you, especially after an emotional affair.

Ok, thanks everyone. I think I need to change my thinking about that place and try to forget the insecurity.

He sounds like a teenager writing stuff like that in a diary

Thinking someone is attractive is very different from talking about it to your OH or indeed other work colleagues. Or writing it down somewhere.

I think most people have harmless fantasies. My late DH had a big crush on Ming’s daughter in Flash Gordon, Servalan in Blake’s Seven and Jenny Agutter (when she was younger). I’ve fancied Mr Spock from Star Trek for over 50 years! We both knew, and neither felt the least upset by it.
It’s rather less usual to be writing the stuff down, and obviously a bit more concerning for you when it is women he knows in real life and works with. But now you know, you cannot “unknow” it, and you need to have a chat with DH to see if he can reassure you.

Are you asking should you trust in someone who has already proven untrustworthy, and who clearly still allows his eye to wander and speculate?

Cos that would be a no.

He has crossed a line, he seems to be obsessing about the women. I think we have all found a colleague attractive, but compartmentalise those thoughts and behaviours and say, no not for me and move on. We are all in control of our behaviours.

Fantasies involving all sorts of people and situations are normal enough. Telling your partner about them is ok if it’s part of sexual play and you both enjoy it. If it’s straying into problematic behaviour or it upsets your partner to hear of fantasies, continuing to talk about them is very insensitive. His behaviour does seem quite immature in this one aspect (any others?). It could be he’s got unresolved issues from adolescence but that’s something to talk about in itself rather than dismiss.

@PebblesE

I think it’s more than the EA that’s the issue. He wrote in a diary ‘there’s so much potential to fuck up so many marriages here’ Also scribbling about a young female he obviously massively admired. The EA person is out the picture but he glorified others there and they are still there. Yes, the EA ruin Ed trust but to get it back I have to believe he’s not still glorifying/fantasising all the time. He says they were ‘brain farts’ from a man very sad and despondent about his relationship at the time

He says they were 'brain farts' from a man very sad and despondent about his relationship at the time.

Ahhhhh... so it's your fault? You made him sad and unhappy so it's YOUR fault that he started fantasising about other women, getting into an emotional affair and writing it down?!

Who writes that shit down?!

He is placing the blame on you. Classic.

OP, you are in no way at fault here. I would be seriously contemplating the end of this. For me, it would be the signal of the end.
If my partner is fancying other women and fantasising about them, that's the end for me.

He's got a roving eye, hasn't he? In my experience, people like that often end up with roving hands as well.

He sounds pathetic.

Do you still find him attractive after this? I certainly wouldn't.

The young women he works with are probably laughing behind his back. Try telling him that and watch his willy curl up into itself like a Scottie dog.

Did you ask him whether he was fantasising about colleagues or was it that you have found the scribbles and then spoke about it? If he volunteered it I personally think it suggests he's trying to make you feel his behaviour is normal lining up the conditions for another affair.

This man doesn't seem like someone you should trust and I wouldn't be telling you to ignore your feelings if you were my friend. I'd be saying you only feel like this because you're with a liar.