Advise from female breadwinners please !

[Mercier1]

Thanks for taking time to read what I expect will be a long post.

Married for 6 years with two little ones, 2+4 years. I work p/t plus run my own business. My DH is unemployed but since taking redundancy almost a year ago looks after the kids and helps as of the last few months in my biz. He hasn’t done any real job seeking. He is doing an OU degree but he’s got a few other degrees so ...

My biz is really going well at the moment, my job is my security. My job would only cover our mortgage and basic bills and my biz covers the rest.

Our relationship has been so hard for the last few years, my H had a big MH crisis/breakdown and I stood by him through this. It was super hard. We’ve also done Councilling a few times in the past.

He’s improved a lot I think working (for me) has helped. But we still argue a lot. Tonight we argued because he was micromanaging my cooking and he stormed off etc.he said sorry but I’m fed up and he said he hates me tonight.

I feel like I really am now considering some kind of separation.

I did see a lawyer some time who strongly encouraged me to get him back to work as she said otherwise he would be the primary parent and I would be the person who would need to move out/ pay him maintenance.

This is a massive concern for me. I have no family around me at all, no one to fall back on financially etc etc.

I’ve been fighting for my marriage and now I’m just tired. My husband isn’t a bad man, he’s a committed father but also I really don’t know if I can keep living like this, equally I can’t abide the idea I’d have to leave our home and pay for him to live there with my children. I am also worried about how to keep the momentum up on my biz without his help, although I think I could manage.

Any feedback, go easy on me !

I am in a similar position to you but down the line. DH was made redundant and wanted time to think about what he wanted to do/retrain etc. He did take on a few things at home but was never a full SAHD (my work was very flexible most of the time and I still did more way more than 50% of childcare and other household stuff). My kids were at school at this point. That was 9 years ago! Little noises about working or re-training were sporadically mentioned but nothing ever happened. Do no leave it as long as I did. In the Autumn he promised me looking for a job was is priority. By Jan he had applied for 1 job. I told him that if he didn't get a job it was over. He has a job he is starting in a few weeks. It is a 6 month contract. It's not perfect but it is also not a awful job, and it's a start, but I am not confident how he will be or what might happen at the end of the 6 months. But I do now know that I won't accept someone who will not pull their weigh and is not prepared to work for our future together. It isn't just about the situation now, but think about what you want the rest of your life to look like. The relationship is still on thin ice. Can you not tell him the relationship is over if he doesn't get a job? Maybe you can cut down some of your work and share childcare with maybe 1 - 2 days childcare with a nursery. If you have decided you want to split I would still go for this first so he is working when you separate. I wish you all the best .

Leave him now and manage the situation for what it is. You might have to share care with him and you might have to pay him maintenance for when the DC are with him.

But splitting now will be easier. Especially if your business takes off. You sound resilient and successful. Focus on what you can be and achieve without him.

Spousal maintenance is very rare unless your on six figures or so.
This is why I won't re marry as I value my financial independence too much. Its sad but a lesson I've learned the hard way.