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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling to speak up on this - but don't understand why I'm finding it so difficult

19 replies

Suitedreams · 21/02/2021 20:56

I'm a confident, assertive woman - generally regarded as taking no shit. I have a strong self belief, perhaps bordering on arrogance at times. And I'm quite opinionated, (not in an offensive sense, I'm not the sort of person who uses saying it as it is as an excuse for rudeness but I'm not afraid to say what I want to do/ eat etc)

However there's one area where I totally struggle with this, and that's the physical side of my relationship. I can't just say that I want sex, I feel completely uncomfortable.

My DP has previously made it clear that he needs me to give him the green light, that he will not instigate anything unless I've either said expressly or impliedly (but unambiguously) that I'm interested.

A further issue is that as he has ED issues, he needs to be prepared, so I can't just wait til we're in bed together and make a move (which is something I would and have done), I have to pre warn him a few hours before. It's that pre warning that overt declaration I'm having difficulty with.

I don't really understand why I struggle with this so much given I have no issues in speaking my mind day to day on other matters.

OP posts:

Otter71 · 21/02/2021 21:03

My partner has ED issues too so the pre warning need has pros and cons. I tend however to pre warn him every time we are going to spend the night together. Sometimes he goes for it but not always. And sometimes I want it 2 hours before but can't follow it thru. Usually leads to intimacy but not always sex. Works for us.

FortunesFave · 21/02/2021 21:05

made it clear that he needs me to give him the green light, that he will not instigate anything unless I've either said expressly or impliedly (but unambiguously) that I'm interested.

Well this seems extreme.

How does he think that makes you feel? This isn't a healthy way to run things at all. It's not all down to one partner to make the move. If one partner always has to make the move, they will naturally begin to feel they don't want to!

Why won't he make the move? Has he seen a doctor about ED?

Original poster

Suitedreams · 21/02/2021 21:15

The ED is partly psychological, but also exacerbated by other health issues/ surgeries he's had. He has tablets to take but they can't really be taken every day 'just in case' as they give him migraines and other side effects.

He's happy to make a physical move once he has a green light from me, but he will not instigate anything unless and until he's had that - he has quite deep seated beliefs about female consent and would never sexually pester or harass a partner, which is great but does mean I have to be quite clear if I am willing to have sex in any form, and I have to make it clear as early as possible so he can take a tablet in readiness.

OP posts:

Faerysmoke · 21/02/2021 21:25

Can you talk to him about this and let him know that you're struggling? What would happen if you showed him the post you've written here, or paraphrased it to him? Alternatively what about arranging sex for certain days of the week so they become the default & he knows to take the tablets on those days? Then you can just call it off if not feeling up for it. It might help shift this pattern.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 21/02/2021 21:46

@Suitedreams

Deep seated beliefs about consent should be something we all have.. It's not deserving of a medal Ditto sexual harassment.

It just sound like an excuse for abdicating responsibility for making an effort, seducing you or being equally responsible for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

Sounds crap

Original poster

Suitedreams · 21/02/2021 22:26

We had a recent discussion about this, wherein he asked me to be clearer going forward, I did explain that I find this difficult but he didn't understand why given the sort of person I am, and to be honest I don't really understand why I can't be clearer either.

I don't think he deserves a medal, I was trying to explain why he wanted me to express my consent, to give the green light. Most men I've known were/are the type to pester and harass for sex...even the 'nice guys' would often end up trying to dry hump you, or pressing their erection in your back in bed or whatever. He doesn't do that, never has. He's very considerate in bed, always makes sure I am satisfied. He just needs me to give him an all clear beforehand.

I should add that as well as his health issues I've also had some of my own which has meant sex has been off the table for weeks at a time, another reason he needs me to convey I am good to go. I just don't get why I find it so difficult to do!

OP posts:

amfairpuggled · 22/02/2021 08:11

It's the lack of sponteneity I'd find difficult to deal with. Often you think you might be in the mood for later but by the time later comes you've give off the idea. Conversely you might just want a quickie with no pre-planning which doesn't sound possible.

It sounds as if sex is by appointment and that completely takes the element of romance and fun away.

Would your partner consider psychosexual counselling for the psychological cause of his ED? I know he had a physical issue also but some counselling may help with ways forward that suit you both?

category12 · 22/02/2021 08:17

I can see why he wouldn't want to take a pill unless he was definitely on a promise, if it has unpleasant side-effects like migraine.

It's a bit of a bummer for spontaneity though.

Loggerino · 22/02/2021 08:24

I can understand its rubbish for him having to take the migraine pills etc. but as a pp said it sounds more than that, like he is abdicating any responsibility for seducing you or making you feel desired. And, sex by appointment isnt sexy.

As for the dichotomy of assertiveness and struggling to ask, i think there is a theory flying about that holds true for me that you are the opposite; so for me, i spend my life being bossy, organising everything for everyone etc etc. Sex is a break from that, a relief, so i am submissive. I expect to be desired, seduced and for them to take the lead. If my partner won't, thats a massive disappointment for me and really marrs the whole thing.

Borntohula · 22/02/2021 08:36

I love how 'he's not a sex pest' still means 'he's an arsehole' for some posters.

SassyPants · 22/02/2021 08:38

It sounds a bit cheesy, but what about something symbolic? Like if you're in the mood you can light a particular candle or get a pair of knick knacks, like two birds or two kokeshi dolls or whatever, and just face one towards the other when you want to make it clear?

I hear you on the struggle to initiate, my husband is the same as yours with the forewarning for different reasons. He's very happy once I have, but otherwise it doesn't happen. I'm so assertive generally, it's literally my job (litigation), but this is just so very different. There's a certain vulnerability to this that I really struggle with. I think I'm like many women, I internalise the view of desirability being tied up with being pursued.

Simma2 · 22/02/2021 08:44

What about leaving a certain item on the bed or on the table which you both agree as a signal that tonight is the night, to give him time to prepare?

customwatkins · 22/02/2021 08:46

I was thinking the same as PP - can you have a certain symbol, like you wear a certain dressing gown for 'yes please' and another for 'not tonight' the balls then his his court if he takes note of which one you're wearing and acts on it (yes please might not mean it happens every time, just that it could happen on that night)

I know it sounds silly, but asking out loud for sex later is also a bit contrived.

Sex doesn't always mean penetration, on nights you feel spontaneous could you make your move and he pleasure you in other ways?

amylou8 · 22/02/2021 09:06

I was thinking this too. A signal of some kind. Offering a glass of wine with dinner means you'd like sex, him accepting means it tablet time? Can completely understand why he needs notice in these circumstances and also the issues this must cause.

category12 · 22/02/2021 09:19

I feel like the different drugs available are probably the same basic one under different brand names, but is it worth asking the question and finding out if there's a version that suits him better?

Kintsuji · 22/02/2021 09:34

Do you think it's the lack of spontaneity you're finding difficult or more that you find it difficult to verbalise? If it's the later would a non verbal signal be an option? You might find it easier this way.

Craftycorvid · 22/02/2021 09:39

I wonder if some relationship therapy might be helpful as this is clearly a communication problem as well as a physical one, in that you both find it intolerable to make your desires known to one another. Talking with a third person invested only in your relationship may help if it’s something you’d consider.

wishfuldreamer · 22/02/2021 10:23

So, I've had this with an ex, in a way - not quite the same fact, but bear with me.

I was going through a phase where my libido was a bit low, and I often was tired. He would have to instigate, and my reluctance was often due to the fact that I didn't want to start anything, because i wasn't sure if i could 'follow through', as it were. it led to some very unsatisfying sex, and not resolution because our communication was crap.

I'm a bit different these days, but I was talking about this history with my current partner this weekend. He observed that, perhaps because of how my relationship was with my ex, that (like you) i'm not always great at asking for what I want sexually. I'm quite submissive, which is fun many ways, but can also be an issue if I'm unsure of myself or the other person.

We were thinking through ways to help, and maybe one of the things we talked about, might help you? He suggested sessions where it's just about me - my pleasure alone, and (even though i really like it) no penetration. So i have to get used to thinking about what I enjoy.

Maybe this might help with your confidence, but it would also get around the ED issue, because it doesn't matter if your partner gets an erection or not. Obviously you can't always have sex like this, but it might help you feel more confident asking for what you want, and being more in touch with your desires and the things that turn you on, which might help for the times when you 'plan' penetrative sex?

Mrstumbletap · 22/02/2021 21:34

Why about in a text message would you feel more comfortable with that?

Maybe in the morning send him a wink 😉

Or something like that? Something maybe more symbolic instead of having to use words?

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