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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex h holding on to door to my home to continue talking.

31 replies

MegMogandOg · 21/02/2021 18:03

He is angry with me that I am not responding to texts from him in the evening. He wanted to discuss this when dropping off the kids home to me. He kept holding in to the door to the door to stop me closing it. I really didn’t like it . How would you react?

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/02/2021 18:13

"I'm not discussing this. You need to leave" on repeat, no engagement whatsoever with what he is saying. Grey rock all the way.

Eviebeans · 21/02/2021 18:18

My ex used to do this in the same situation - I used to say "I am going to slam the door after the count of 3" - 1,2,3 slam
What kind of thing is he texting about? Is it essential communication re children?

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 18:20

you could try filming him as he does it?
Keep a log of all these behaviours
generally grey rock, dont engage etc

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 18:21

dont be bullied into face to face discussions, keep it all in writing

Devlesko · 21/02/2021 18:23

Unless they are important why would you?
Just tell him unless it's important you want nc.
Don't answer if you don't want to. Tell him he isn't welcome in your home, and just walk away, go and do something and leave him standing there.
If he comes in tell him you'll call Police.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 21/02/2021 18:23

Can you change the drop off so that you go out to get the children from the car? Or go and collect them at his house?

HoobleDooble · 21/02/2021 18:29

Sounds like he has serious control issues. What does he think you're doing that prevents you from texting back? Just tell him that unless it's urgent and is to do with the kids, it can wait. I presume he doesn't pay for your phone and therefore has no say in whether or not you use it in the evening (or at any other time).

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 18:37

can you change the drop off situation, ideally so you have witnesses if he doesnt behave or someone present whom he wont try to intimidate?
He is angry b/c you are not obeying him so make sure you send a clear message that you do not take orders from him, he has no authority over you

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 21/02/2021 19:08

I emailed him regarding the arrangements for the children for the following day and about my son who was unwell. I had tried to phoebe him earlier in the day anyway about this but he was busy with work I assume. When I emailed him he texted me: “
Please respond to email”
I then checked my email to see one from him asking only “
Is this how you want to communicate?”. I didn’t reply. At the door he was dropping by off my son who was still
Unwell and my daughter who was crying abs it really wasn’t the time for a contentious discussion but he wanted to know how I wanted to communicate e.g if by email then he would say” well then I won’t respond ever to you in any other form” ( cue big flounce) . It’s just nasty tit for tat arguing which is what he has always done. My kids have SEN and whilst I don’t like speaking/ texting he only sees them on the weekend for a few hours so there are occasions where I want to call him e.g when my son was ill or when there are particular issues. It’s very different from him texting me Late at night. He had also sent me indignant texts wgrn he had seen that I’m on WhatsApp late in the evening and not replying to him. He has asked me to turn on read receipts previously on my texts abs I didn’t. He got me to download one if this other chat apps with disappearing messages but I deleted it. He called me a dumb cunt twice in the last few weeks so I’m really not that keen on chatting but he thinks he is the only one allowed to be offended. Before that he had been me things like asking if I had shaved ( lady garden ) . He’s awful. When I accused him of being angry because I wouldn’t sleep with him I was called a dumb cunt. Now he’s offended I won’t reply to texts. He even texted “ Charming..” to be when I didn’t reply on WhatsApp. I really don’t like the door holding. He used to pursue me around the house in an argument when we lived together. I find myself smirking when he does it which is weird because I’m actually quite alarmed.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegMogandOg · 21/02/2021 19:09

Sorry I had tried to phone not phoebe

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 19:11

indignant texts wgrn he had seen that I’m on WhatsApp late in the evening and not replying to him
can you change your settings to he cant see you're online, dont allow any ways in which he can monitor you in real time.

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 19:13

He sounds extremely nasty and abusive OP:(
can you gradually back away and distance yourselves?

MrsWooster · 21/02/2021 19:17

He sounds very controlling and threatening. The smirk is quite possibly an automatic 'appease' response to the threat. I echo other posters about trying to meet / handover in public places or with witnesses, removing your visibility from contact apps, and send him a message saying you are happy to use text AND email ( or whatever suits you, not him, best), purely for practical resons or emergencies regarding the dc. Be careful and heed your instincts.

RippleEffects · 21/02/2021 19:22

With my XH I realised that his messaging/ calling/ texting was seriously affecting my day to day living. Communications were agressive and really stopped me in my tracks.

I changed phone number and gave him a contact email that initially I checked twice a week - 24 hours before a visit and 24 hours after a visit. I let him know I would only respond once, at those times and only regarding the children.

I set the email to have automatic rules to go to a file in his name. They don't appear in my inbox, I only see them when I conciously check the folder - initially when a family member was over for a weekly visit.

14 years after he's left I check about once a fourtnight but relations are no longer stressed, boundaries better established and so he does now have a mobile number for me and each on his DC.

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 19:23

make sure you keep notes on everything he does in case you have to build a case against him in the future

bounce89 · 21/02/2021 19:32

Dvap told me to log messages like that with the police so there's evidence, just for future reference. He doesn't have the right to send you messages like that or to act in that manner towards you.

It really grinds on me that so many men seem to think that they have the right to mess with other people just because you've been together previously. If a stranger was doing the same thing they'd be accused of harassment.

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 19:50

It is harassment OP.

Wanderlusto · 21/02/2021 20:05

Block him on everything apart from a burner phone and that email.

Continue not responding to anything.

If he calls you names ect say in a firm but bored tone - do not speak to me like that.

If need be, call the police. Eg: if he refuses to leave it continues to harass you.

But in future, do not open the door to him.
Pick up the kids and drop them off in a public place, not at your houses.

RippleEffects · 21/02/2021 20:10

I had tried to phoebe him earlier in the day

I'm so dissapointed this was a typo. My head was spinning with what obscure friends refference this term of dealing with an abusive controlling ex could be.

Phobeing really should be a thing.

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 21/02/2021 20:12

It’s extremely difficult to get my kids to meet at a public place due to variety of behaviour issues particularly around difficulties with transitions. How would I log abusive messages with the police ? I wouldn’t know how to do that. I once called the police after he’d pushed me backwards with his hand on my throat during an argument early on in our separation but I didn’t tell them what he’d done abs said he was just shouting as he has a very respectable career it would destroy and I can’t destroy him. My children love him by the way as he is very laid back abs relaxed ( because he does do little for them really), is very loving abs affectionate etc.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 21/02/2021 20:26

He pushes and abuses women, he deserves to lose his job. Not that he would. Unless it's relevant to care/support ect...maybe.

Seriously op, fuck him.

Of course your kids love him. It doesnt make him good father. A good father doesnt abuse his children's mother. And if he is laid back and relaxed with them then it just goes to show he can control his aggression and saves it for you.

Speak with womens aid, they might be able to advise you further. Police report wise, pop into a station and ask for a chat. Even if you just get it on record that his behaviour is like this and threatening and you are a bit worried they will be able to flag your address for emergency if he shows up and causes trouble.

Could a friend or family member deal with handovers at the door. Or even just be there when he arrives. Assuming he doesnt dick you around with his arrival times.

oil0W0lio · 21/02/2021 20:41

he sounds dangerous, vile and threatening towards you but sweet to his children, that is very confusing for a child.
I would just react to him as little as possible, never trust him and over time work towards distancing yourself

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 21/02/2021 20:43

No family only elderly parents and no friends to ask.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 21/02/2021 20:52

He has no issue trying to destroy you.

Next time report truthfully.

Or is he paying loads of maintenance and you want to keep.him sweet?

Can kids walk to door from car themselves?
Or you meet them outside stay apart .... then go in when he gone?

bounce89 · 21/02/2021 20:53

@MegMogandOg
Ring 101 and ask to log abusive messages and behaviour, explain that you need evidence for future reference as you're concerned it could go further.
If you had reported him it wouldn't be you that destroyed him, he would have destroyed himself.