We dont understand eachother

[Lullaby88]

Been married 5 years. He never understands me unless we argue and then i tell him how i was feeling. And then he will say oh ok.
I really struggle to see his perspective too tbh. I find he closes off. Puts his walls up straight after an argument.
For example today. Im 5 months pregnant and i was just telling him do you know the baby cries inside because i didnt and its usually a response to noise or stress. He clearly didnt hear me right and started saying well u got to stop worrying about noise as our house is noisy and ur anxiety is just ridiculous. He said it rudely. It annoyed me as i wasnt talking about when baby would arrive anyway. So i told him if he would listen he wouldnt have misunderstandings with me. He responded rudely to that too. I was so mad i called him a dkhead and he responded calling me a waste and to fk myself. I ended up in tears. And walked away. He told me not to go crawling back to him and that he wanted nothing to do with me for the rest of the day ( were supposed to go out with the kids) he also said he would go but without me there as i make him feel uncomfortable.
So now im alone and feel really upset. Am.i missing something here. I know i didnt handle it well but im human but i cant see his perspective at all. Im not leaving him by the way. I have a good life but we have these stupid arguments so please just advice me and not tell me to walk away or leave.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What too did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you for instance see your dad treat your mum like this?.

He totally manufactured that argument out of a point that you made re your unborn child. You will continue around in circles with this man because you will co-operate and he never does. He is likely to be the root cause of any anxiety you feel.

Do you really think you have a good life together?. Materially you are probably alright but emotionally?. Where is his respect for you here, he seems to have none for you whatsoever. This from him today is not the actions of a loving man towards his pregnant wife.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your kids?. Would you think it acceptable for them as adults to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse like you were earlier?.

What is he like with you and the kids day to day; they must have heard this even if they were not hopefully in the same room. Sound travels too and they are picking up on all this here.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control and your H wanted absolute here over you. Think carefully on and about your assertion that you do not want to leave; you do not have to hold yourself to that.

Its likely as well that this is deeply ingrained behaviour in him probably learnt from one or other of his parents. Has he used silent treatment on you previously?. I ask that because if that is the case that is an example of emotional abuse.

Such men do not change, all you can do is change how you react to him. Where's your line in the sand here?. Staying with such a man will only further drag you and in turn your kids down with him.

Do you have any idea, or role models, of how a decent relationship should be? Because this really doesn't sound like one. He isn't being kind to you. That's basically all there is to say. You cannot, nor should you want to, change yourself to accommodate him being a bastard.

He's generally kind to me and helps me a lot especially during pregnancy he steps in with the kids and we will buy food so I can rest etc.
He takes me out or takes the kids out so i can have a break. These arguments arent frequent so the kids dont really see it hear much.
Its just when it does happen he will run as far as he can and just leave me to feel like utter rubbish. Im always telling him to talk hence he said dont come crawling to me later. But i find it unhealthy not resolving it. I did go back to him and he listened to my perspective and he said thats enough and he didnt want to say how he felt to myself. That frustrated me too. I told him thats not how it works, theres 2 sides and he said no. And that was it.
I find him to be very stubborn and i always hit a block with him. Like today he has cut me out of the picture and gone with the kids. Thats my time aswel. But if i say that he will say fine il stay home u take the kids and i want him there. It all feels weird.

You sound numb to how awfully he is behaving which suggests he has form for being nasty and selfish. This is so, so far from healthy and in addition to being unhealthy for you it's unhealthy for your children to see as the model for a relationship. He sounds fucking horrible.

He's generally kind to me and helps me a lot especially during pregnancy he steps in with the kids and we will buy food so I can rest etc. He takes me out or takes the kids out so i can have a break. These arguments arent frequent so the kids dont really see it hear much.

I mean that's just a list of normal relationship behaviour and shared parenting OP, he's not doing anything above and beyond. Him parenting his children is not 'helping' you as such, that's like when people say a father is being 'hands on' or 'babysitting' if their partner goes out - you never hear the same descriptions about mums as they are just expected to parent their children without a big applause.

You say the arguments aren't frequent but it's still an unhealthy dynamic that is harmful to everyone involved. Him running away to avoid discussions is so incredibly immature and must make you feel you can't trust him to be a strong and steady teammate.

He has used the silence game before yes. He actually has really changed as now he actually talks as I have told him I cant stand the silent treatment he has worked on it and explained he has been bought up to deal with his problems like this. But he will improve to make the marriage better.
About role models erm in not sure? Iv seen arguments but not anything terrible like domestic abuse or anything. Iv always been told marriage isnt a smooth ride and arguments/rocky patches occur so u have to work through them together.

Yeah ur right it is normal dad/husband behaviour. Guess because I am not the breadwinner and he works his guts off I feel I have to overcompensate i these areas. But yeah its true i dont need to feel like that.

"Ive always been told marriage isnt a smooth ride and arguments/rocky patches occur so u have to work through them together".

That was some rubbish lesson that got imparted to you. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. He is not co-operating with you to work together; its all on his terms and he has the vast amount of power and control within this relationship. You really have no say in this and what he says goes.

Was not at all surprised either to see that he has been emotionally abusive towards you previously; the silent treatment is an example of this. Other than you talking to him what has he done off his own bat to address this?. Likely nothing else.

He has now changed tactic to verbally abuse you, he has never apologised nor has accepted any real responsibility for his actions. He will not do so either. If he decides that this is no longer working for him (as you told him re the silent treatment) he will just employ another abuse tactic. And he indeed has done.

You are neither his personal punchbag or a rehab centre for this badly raised man. Continuing to act here as either will merely further drag you and your kids down with him into his pit. This is who he is and he does this because he can. This works for him.

He does the have power as he needs space and deals with things better alone. Where as I cant deal well with things alone. And yes sometimes he does apologise but in this instance he hasnt. And it is frustrsting. Theres a lot of truth in what u say.

Sorry, but have I missed something? He misheard something, you got mad and called him a dickhead, and he retaliated angrily without swearing and asked for space for the afternoon, he's generally good with you and the kids, yet somehow people on here had decided you're getting abused?

Fuck me, mumsnet will never fail with the bias.

Sorry OP, to be fair, I don't think you did anything particularly ' end the relationship now' either. It sounds like real life stress has got in the way of your relationship and perhaps you both just need to make sometime for each other to talk things out rather than let things get pent up. Talk to him, not random strangers off the Internet, some of which seem to have a quota of how many relationships they can split up daily.

You’ve missed something baileys. He totally manufactured this argument out of thin air and went on further to verbally abuse her. Op has also stated her H has used silent treatment against her before now and that is an example of emotional abuse.

If you don’t want to leave him you need to both go to a marriage counsellor. No one on mums net can fix this for you.

@baileys6904 i do agree things get blown out of proportion on here. And many women can feel a lot worse than what it is.

I do appreciate the advice from all though so thsnks..

It sounds like you both have communication issues that you ignore until one of you gets fed up and something triggers an argument.

I don’t know why you are having another baby if he bothers you that much tbh as a relationship like that would drive me mental, but obv up to you. Did you both decide on this baby? Is that a stress for him about money as he’s the breadwinner and it could be pressure for him, making him grumpy?

I can’t cut and paste on this site sorry, but read the first sentence again about “he never understands me unless we argue...” etc.

So is that because both of you think someone’s implying something instead of just saying it? For example he could take you saying about the baby and noise as you meaning “my baby’s crying inside me because of the noise and you making me anxious and it’s all your fault and you need to change”.

He took offence and shut the convo down. Perhaps thinking “ffs here we go again with the nagging” to himself. That’s why he’s cleared out as he doesn’t understand why you are so anxious about things when he is not and thinks you’re being offensive.

Are you over anxious?
Do you say things to provoke a reaction from him or guilt trip him?

Tbh I think the two of you have issues and both need to open up. I couldn’t settle for anything less but that’s me.

I don’t think you are prepared to change but you expect him to, or perhaps I’m being unfair on you?

Some guys don’t have the same empathy skills as women. Some are on the spectrum but don’t know it but that could be a reason. Or it could be you as you’re an anxious type person and he can’t hack it.

@attilathemeerkat so if a woman was to be called a dickhead, she would also be told she was manufacturing an argument.
The silent treatment is also a way of de-escalation and getting space to become calmer. Not everything is abuse. Somethings are just a disagreement.

@Lullaby88 I'm glad you have the strength of character not to be led down a path you aren't for going on. This place is horrendous for creating mountains out of molehills or single parents out of families having a bad day.
Pregnancy and kids equal knackered Ness and stress all round. Do make sure you get time for each other as well as the kids, just to reconnect and de compress. As you said, he does try to listen when shouted at, so maybe it just needs to be explained that level isn't the one that's needed and to pay attention a wee bit before. Hope your Sunday gets better

@Elieza both wanted a baby. And we have a happy life together generally. I am very anxious yes. I have been more anxious since covid. But even still I expect my husband to support me through my anxieties. Not carry me. But support me. I speak to him about my anxieties and he is generally supportive. Just think our communication styles are really different when arguing and our coping mechanisms he runs away and i feel anxious as a result. And we struggle a lot for that reason.

@baileys6904 thanks so much.

OP

But he is not supporting you, a now pregnant woman, by doing as he did. His reaction to you was disproportionate, you were making an point about your as yet unborn child.

He also stonewalls you by shutting you down. He has all the power and control in this relationship and he knows it too.

Abuse is NOT about communication and there is nothing wrong with how you communicate to him OP, its about power and control. Its not you, its him.

Baileys - she called him a dickhead in response to what he had already said. And silent treatment is never acceptable in a relationship, its a way of further punishing the OP for any supposed transgressions she has made. The responsibility for his sulk remains his and his alone. Silent treatment is absolutely not a way of de-escalation at all, whereever did you get that idea?. Its an effective form of abuse.

It did feel like abuse when he did the silent treatment thing and it used to wreck me up. But i dont think he realised. And when we spoke about and he explained he doesnt know whatelse to do I understood and when the improvements happened I thought atleast hes listening and changing.

Update. He asked me if i was ok and I told him I wasnt. I told him how he has made me feel this morning and he said im just blaming him and im just about blame. Iv had to leave the house as i cant stand him right now.

He said i seemed too angry and upset to talk aswel. And that part is true I was.

There’s a difference between supporting you to deal with your anxieties in a positive way and pandering to you and not being honest with you when you are off on one. It does sound like you acknowledge that you over react to things but that you don’t seem to want to change, yet deep down you know you do over react as you’ve told us that.

Looking after someone with anxiety can be exhausting and frustrating. Sorry OP but you need to try and get help for this as it will affect everyone, including you, and you deserve to be happy. So does he and the kids.

Can you not let go of your anxiety because your fear is to great, “I must protect everyone, I must make sure we are all safe and examine every little thing to make sure I’m doing my best, nobody else can be trusted to make decisions...” type thing?

If so that must be exhausting and you have to find a way of reining that in. A way of coping to try and find what is reasonable to fear and what’s OTT. Self help books/videos, private counselling (nhs queues are long, some charities offer it for cheap/free)

Perhaps if you feel that the noise may scare the baby you could practice reassuring him/her and yourself? “I know the kids are screaming at their game but it’s ok baby we are both fine, kid noise is normal and all is well in my world” while rubbing the baby and employing a self help technique like breathing or do meditation? It may help and save your anxieties mounting if you can head them off before they get OTT.

If he guessed correctly and you meant that he was the cause of the noise etc and it was indeed his fault, could there be a better way to deal with such things? Like e planning that everything was noise and would it be possible to reduce it, or by you leaving the room and doing a minute meditation (or longer)?

And let’s recap, his feelings were hurt because you blamed him for making your unborn baby sad, he was upset and walked away. (Understandable as he loves his unborn baby)

Later you discussed things and that his silent treatment upset you, you were upset and walked away. (probably recalling past episodes of that, feeling not listened to etc).

You are both dealing with things in the same way and both if you need to try and not take offence or read between the lines as that ain’t working.

Perhaps you could both try harder to remain calm even if you explain you need to leave the room for a short while with a view to having a convo later to work out what happened after? And do that. All calmly listening to each other and saying not implying stuff.

You can work through this but the key is you changing. Sorry OP, I’m sure he’s not perfect either but you can’t change another person but you can change yourself. Then he may be more happy too to have the old you back. I hope you do well and feel much happier soon

‘E planning’ should read ‘explaining’!

@Elieza i think you have misunderstood my post. No I wasnt anxious about noise and my unborn baby. I just read that babies can cry in the womb and found it interesting so I was telling my husband. He thought I was talking about when my baby arrives and the noise in the house will effect the baby and thats why he said i was being anxious im a rude way. But the fact is he misunderstood/wasnt listening properly. Either one.

I agree the covid anxiety is an issue tho trying to keep things disinfected, washing all our hands, reminding husband to do it but he actually forgets. It would be good to get some help tho ur right. Think it can start grating.

Yes I had to walk away because he doesnt back down when I talk. I am very disheartned and upset today so yes a bit out of character tbh.
Thanks anyway.

I think you’re backtracking OP.
Read your initial post.