Dating and letting your guard down. How?

[PreciousOcean]

I've recently started dating again after leaving my abuser 3 years ago. I've been on a few dates but never really clicked with anyone. Last week I finally felt that spark. We've only been on one date and we've had one very long phonecall full of laughs. There could definitely be something in this, however I'm struggling a little. I am 95% healed from being abused. I don't think I'll ever heal the other 5%. I WANT to date. I'm just finding it hard. He was very complimentary, very sweet and gentle. I guess I'm just not used to it. Mumsnet I need you to help me to not self sabotage and run away from something with potential! I think it essentially stems from me being told over and over that I am unlovable and no amount of therapy or pills can fully heal you after that...

If you have not already looked at the Freedom programme (this can be done online) I would suggest you do so as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. I presume your abusive ex told you over and over those untruths about you; he was really describing his own self. Such abusive men hate women, all of them.

You've had one date and a phone call with this new person. Give yourself time and take each future phone call and meeting as it comes. Do not overthink things or start thinking about this having potential at this very early stage.

I haven’t dated in your position. But I think the advice would be to proceed with caution. You don’t need to run away but you don’t need to dive in headfirst either.

I think it’s striking that after one date and one long happy phone call, you’re talking about letting your guard down. That’s way too soon. You don’t know this guy at all. It’s better not to let your guard down until you are several months into the relationship and the person has proved himself to be reliable, consistently pleasant to you and interested in you and has done nothing to alarm you or revealed nothing concerning eg like he has no friends, can’t keep a job, is looking for somewhere to live etc.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

If you have not already looked at the Freedom programme (this can be done online) I would suggest you do so as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. I presume your abusive ex told you over and over those untruths about you; he was really describing his own self. Such abusive men hate women, all of them.

You've had one date and a phone call with this new person. Give yourself time and take each future phone call and meeting as it comes. Do not overthink things or start thinking about this having potential at this very early stage.

Thank you. I have done the freedom programme 3 times and plan on doing it again :) it's an amazing course and I'm still friends with a few of the women I met!

@Dery

I haven’t dated in your position. But I think the advice would be to proceed with caution. You don’t need to run away but you don’t need to dive in headfirst either.

I think it’s striking that after one date and one long happy phone call, you’re talking about letting your guard down. That’s way too soon. You don’t know this guy at all. It’s better not to let your guard down until you are several months into the relationship and the person has proved himself to be reliable, consistently pleasant to you and interested in you and has done nothing to alarm you or revealed nothing concerning eg like he has no friends, can’t keep a job, is looking for somewhere to live etc.

Definitely proceeding with caution. When I say let my guard down, I am referring more to just being myself and not trying to be perfect. Letting him see me for who I am as opposed to who I want him to see. As opposed to telling him my whole history and making myself completely vulnerable.

Why do you believe you can’t heal from some abusive asshole telling you lies about being loveable? As long as you hold onto that lie that he put there he still has power over you. Why should he get to decide what you believe about yourself?

Ah, understood OP. You had me worried there! Well, I’d do that from the outset. I always felt it was best that a potential BF knew what they would be getting with me. What interests me and what doesn’t etc. That said, I met my DH at work so the relationship evolved over time anyway.

But I would suggest treating him the way you would any potential new friend or colleague.

@SilverRoe

Why do you believe you can’t heal from some abusive asshole telling you lies about being loveable? As long as you hold onto that lie that he put there he still has power over you. Why should he get to decide what you believe about yourself?

I don't think anyone ever 100% heals from domestic abuse. He raped me, convinced me I was fat and ugly, hurt my finances, hurt our son, destroyed everything I owned when I left, racially abused me and harassed me. I'm still learning and think I always will be.

@Dery

Ah, understood OP. You had me worried there! Well, I’d do that from the outset. I always felt it was best that a potential BF knew what they would be getting with me. What interests me and what doesn’t etc. That said, I met my DH at work so the relationship evolved over time anyway.

But I would suggest treating him the way you would any potential new friend or colleague.

Lovely advice, thank you. Oh I shan't be mentioning my experience with my ex for a long time. I don't really bring that box out for anyone, yet. Thank you for your concern.

And for your view of yourself, a great tip is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Most of us are very self-critical and it will be worse for you because you were in an abusive relationship. Replace that voice with a loving voice. Say things like - Precious, the way you did X or dealt with Y or said Z - that was really sensible/creative/wise/funny etc. Talk yourself up. You will have lots of great characteristics and some flaws like all of us. For now, focus on the great characteristics. You escaped from your abusive relationship and went on a healing journey. You’re clearly strong, resilient, resourceful and brave. And that’s just for starters!

@Dery

And for your view of yourself, a great tip is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Most of us are very self-critical and it will be worse for you because you were in an abusive relationship. Replace that voice with a loving voice. Say things like - Precious, the way you did X or dealt with Y or said Z - that was really sensible/creative/wise/funny etc. Talk yourself up. You will have lots of great characteristics and some flaws like all of us. For now, focus on the great characteristics. You escaped from your abusive relationship and went on a healing journey. You’re clearly strong, resilient, resourceful and brave. And that’s just for starters!

Thank you ☺️