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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with friendship with my best friend

20 replies

Mundayblues · 21/02/2021 07:05

I am a terrible person for writing this but I need to let it out as it’s starting to affect me. My best friend split with her husband about 18 months ago and our friendship intensified as I became her main support system because that’s what friends are for and she doesn’t really have anyone else. I don’t expect her to be ‘over’ the divorce yet, but the issue is, in this time she’s made no effort to create a life of her own. She has no career drive, no passion, no hobbies, no motivation to do things and she’s not made any new friends. I am not going to abandon her but in all honesty, I’m starting to find our friendship so draining which I feel awful saying. I don’t know what to do. How do you continue to help someone who won’t/can’t help themselves? For context, we’re both 30, no kids and lucky to be living somewhere not affected by lockdowns.

OP posts:

Potter10 · 21/02/2021 07:09

I think you need to be cruel to be kind. You need to tell her how your feeling and explain she's the only one that can help herself. 18 moths after a divorce she should be able to start moving on otherwise she never will.

gutful · 21/02/2021 07:42

It’s been 18 months not 8 weeks. a true friend would/should gently tell you that you need to get some hobbies & create your new life. Being used as a crutch by anyone, friend or family is draining

sweetnessnfight · 21/02/2021 07:45

You are discovering your boundary and you need to communicate it clearly with her. Tell her you love having her as a friend etc but she needs to do XYZ or even ABC to turn a corner in this current chapter because you are so drained with giving advice and it not being taken. See if she responds positively. If not you need to be 'busy' so there are bigger gaps between contact so you have more time to recharge your batteries.

DinosaurDiana · 21/02/2021 07:46

Just be less available. Show that you have a life without her.

EarthSight · 21/02/2021 07:47

Could you specify what's bothering you? Is it simply knowing she's so reliant on you and that feels claustrophobic and heavy, her expectations or increased contact?

whatmakesmesad · 21/02/2021 07:56

Someone once did this to me when I was going through an incredibly difficult time. I didn’t lean on her, she wasn’t my support as I dealt with most of it on my own or with my family, but she decided she couldn’t handle other people having problems. She cut me off very bluntly and did the same to several other people she said were “too negative”, people who the only thing they did wrong was not have a perfect and hilariously care free life.

What I was most hurt about was not that ultimately we aren’t friends anymore, but that she never said anything and just decided to cut off decades of friendship without even trying to resolve things. Please don’t do that. If you care about each other, and it sounds like you do, give her the chance to understand how you’re feeling. If you don’t talk to her she can’t know what she’s doing wrong. It might be the biggest thing you can do to help.

ElderMillennial · 21/02/2021 08:18

What is it thats she's doing that's draining? How often do you see each other, call, text?

You could either be honest with her as PPs have said and tell her you think it's for her own good to get hobbies and do things though during the pandemic it's hard for any of us to get out and do things and see people so it's probably a difficult time in that sense.

The other thing is just be less available. If she usually calls or texts every day start taking longer to reply or cut conversations short saying you have to go do "x" or just say you're busy when she texts. It's hard to know as you haven't said what the relationship consists of in practical terms but you are bit wrong to feel this way.

Windmillwhirl · 21/02/2021 08:23

Have you thought she may be depressed? 18 months isnt that long when you factor in the hell that has been lockdown (I presume she is in it?).

Why has she no one else?

ElderMillennial · 21/02/2021 08:25

Sorry just read that you said where you live is not affected by lockdowns so she potentially could get out and do things.

If you have the kind of relationship with her where you can talk to her then you should maybe gently to start. "I'm busy so can't talk today. What are you up to?" If nothing or if she seeks upset you can't talk as much then maybe ask her whether she thinks it could help her to get out a bit more etc.

Palavah · 21/02/2021 08:31

Please don't just wordlessly pull away.

Tell her, gently, but do tell her.

JerichoGirl · 21/02/2021 08:35

Are you sure she wants your advice? Friendship is great but advice not so much.

You have no control over how she manages her life but you can control how much time you devote to the friendship. Maybe scale it back a bit. I don't know how frequently you speak or see each other but it sounds as though you need to reduce the regularity of interactions. It'll also give her more opportunity to create her own life which no doubt she wants to do.

And you don't get to decide how long someone else can have to grieve. But absolutely you can decide how much support you're willing to provide. So take responsibility for your choices here and only give what you're happy to do rather than overdoing it then getting resentful.

Original poster

Mundayblues · 21/02/2021 08:51

Thanks for the advice so far! Honestly, in a nutshell, I find her draining because she’s got very little to talk about and has no energy to her or ‘love of life’, if that makes sense? I also find it pressuring when she asks to catch up because I know if I say no, she won’t be doing anything else.

I will never cut her off, and I am considering being honest with her but I’m not sure how to articulate it without hurting feelings? I believe she has always been like this but we saw each other a lot less and I guess her husband was the one who she lent on/safety blanket.

OP posts:

Bobbybobbins · 21/02/2021 08:56

Agree that gently speaking to her might be good. How about framing it as a positive suggestion rather than negative, eg 'Have you ever thought about doing this art group/fitness/whatever'?

Original poster

Mundayblues · 21/02/2021 08:58

@LookingForSalt

Are you sure she wants your advice? Friendship is great but advice not so much.

This was posted whilst I did reply and I think this is brilliant advice. Thank you.

I just feel like a really shit friend and person scaling back when I know someone needs me, but it’s better to do that then get resentful and be a shittier friend.

She contacts me probably 4 days a week, and wants to physically catch up 2 - 3 times a month.

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 21/02/2021 09:43

Tell her this negativity, inertia...whatever it is, is bad for her & emotionally draining. Say...when we meet you can talk about ExH or divorce for 15 mins at start & then we are putting it to one side & in time have meetings where it is off the agenda entirely? Or can you introduce her to new things when you meet...like arrange yo do activities in a group setting...might be hard at min with covid but down the line.

If you think she is depressed & needs a doctor or therapist, then say it straight out to her face, make the appointment for her if needs be. Don't enable a cycle of misery if intervention is needed.

It'd be great to see her bounce back & become her old confident self.

But watch put too... when my friend bounced back after her few years of divorce depression, hurt, tears, anger & endless (exhausting) venting...she got a new man & has ditched old friends 'who knew her when her life was sh!t'....

SionnachGlic · 21/02/2021 09:44

*watch out...sorry, re typos!

ElderMillennial · 21/02/2021 09:58

It sounds like the issue is more that she's negative and doesn't have much to say that's engaging rather than that she's contacting you all the time?

I think you should say something as she won't be aware of it and it could help her. I've come across people like this and they complain they can't maintain friendships or that they have shit friends / no friends but all they put out is negativity, complaints and are not very nice to be around.

Original poster

Mundayblues · 21/02/2021 10:57

Talking it out has really helped me wrap my head around things so thank you. I think
we’re having too much contact, especially for me who has a very busy life and stressful job - our friendship didn’t ever use to be anywhere near as intense as it is now. Also, I can’t control how she lives her life or her happiness, so I need to accept that that is on her and I’ll just do what I can when/if appropriate to do so. I do wonder if she’s depressed, but as I’ve said before she has actually always been like this but had her husband as the person who did activities with her/got her out the house and gave her security.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mundayblues · 21/02/2021 10:59

I am going to start with improving my feelings towards our friendship by doing the above and see how things go. If it doesn’t improve and I’m still not enjoying spending time with her then I’ll chat to her more directly about it.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 21/02/2021 11:52

Maybe she's depressed. If you are tired of bringing the zest and energy into the conversation, stop doing it. Decide what length of time you are willing to have a conversation, and when you need to finish it, either say you need to go or let the conversation fizzle out. Let those silent gaps in your conversation lengthen.

I don't think you can help her on your own. She needs to seek out a proper therapist or go to her GP to see if she is actually depressed and needs medication. You are her friend, not her mother. She is a grown adult woman. No one's happy all the time but if she can't even be bothered to motivate herself there is a limit on how much she should be leaning on you to do that.

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