Anyone else just want to give up on dating?

[winterphoenix]

I appear to have finally reached the end of my tether when it comes to dating and relationships. I honestly want nothing more than to be in a happy relationship, settle down, have children etc... but the thought of dating makes me feel ill. I’ve had a fair few break ups in my 20’s which were rough, I’m almost 30 now and I just don’t think I can take the heart break anymore- having to spend the months following a break up trying to pick yourself up from rock bottom and get over the hurt, the anger, the humiliation etc... it’s awful, horrific and exhausting. I thought it would get easier the older I got, when I became more guarded and aware of red flags but it just seems harder and harder to put everything back together the more it happens. When you care about someone and invest so much to then be left heartbroken and crushed in the end is really the worst. It just seems to chip away at my confidence and self esteem the more it happens and I never seem to get those pieces of myself back.

My friends seem to think I’ve lost the plot (highly plausible I suppose 😂). Anyone else felt or feel like this or have my friends hit the nail on the head haha

I heard the other day that if you get with someone before 30, theres like 99% chance - it will end. Seems a bit high but...thinking about it...

I mean what are the chances someone you meet now will be with you till old age? I figure men come and go but you have to live with you forever. So dont do things that make you unhappy. Theres nothing wrong with being single. A person is complete within themself.

I'm about the same age as you. And having similar feelings!

Had a few relationships & 1 real heartbreak. On the one hand I've sort of made peace with not finding someone long term but at the same time I'm fed up with being single for this long in lockdown.

I am sort of looking forward to dating again to have some fun at least, but I put that down to it being nearly 2 years now since I was with someone and forgetting how much of a PITA it can be

I haven’t started, before giving up, I’ve been single for almost 5 years and tbh the thought of dating terrifies me, I honestly don’t know how people keep jumping into relationships every couple of weeks/ months. Like how do you feel ready to do it all again I’m still healing years later?!

I think giving up dating is the best way to meet someone you are actually compatible with. You have a life where you put your own needs first, so your self esteem grows, and you do more things you enjoy, so you're more likely to meet someone with similar interests, rather than somebody who needs external validation (eg someone who focusses on meeting someone) Also, people who say they've given up dating still meet people and fall in love (like married people who have/want to have an affair) It doesn't really matter what you decide - if you and your dream partner lock eyes in the bog roll aisle of Tesco, you're not going to resolutely refuse their irresistibly, are you. 'Nope! You are everything I've ever hoped for, but my decision is already made!!' Just let things be. Don't hunt if you don't feel like hunting. Being happy on your own is the only way to have a healthy relationship anyway.

I find this whole idea so sad. Beinf single is fantastic. Total freedom and choice. There is no reason to rush the have "someone" in your life in a relationship, that shoukd happen only if you happen to meet someone completely amazing. This is not a role to shoehorn random "ok" peopke you meet into, and honestly, why would you? Research shows again and again that single women are the happiest group in society. I would question how much of this is about what you really want and how much is about what you feel is expected of you. WHY is it so important to find a particular man to be with exclusively and forever? How will this make you happier? Evidence strongly suggests that it won't.

I agree, @PolkadotZebras

It seems like finding a partner has become a chore that people feel they need to do in life, otherwise they've let themselves down.

But I can't see how needing somebody to hold your hand through life is a sign of success? Surely being able to stand alone and be perfectly self sufficient is more admirable, not to mention beneficial.

If you’ve had a few break ups in your twenties and you’re not yet thirty - that’s a lot of dating! You’re talking about the heartbreak and humiliation of having invested so much - but have you stopped to think about how it sounds to be investing this much into each of these situations?

Heartbreak is no fun - but you are using words like crushed and rock bottom. With the best will in the world that’s a huge response to the end of what can only be fairly short relationships over and over again.

You’re taking about your self-esteem being chipped away by each breakup never to return - don’t you think that’s kind of worrying? It makes it sound like almost all of your self-esteem
comes from a relationship.

How much energy have you invested in these relationships? What would happen if you invested that energy into yourself and building your self-esteem so it is not dependent on whether a relationship is successful or not?

I've just ended a LTR not wanting to.. It is the worst feeling ever.
Because I loved being with him and he was like a best friend that makes it all the worse.
I'm not sure the appeal will ever be there again now.

@Eckhart

I agree, *@PolkadotZebras*

It seems like finding a partner has become a chore that people feel they need to do in life, otherwise they've let themselves down.

But I can't see how needing somebody to hold your hand through life is a sign of success? Surely being able to stand alone and be perfectly self sufficient is more admirable, not to mention beneficial.

Exactly this. I really don't understand what often comes across as almost a desperation to be in a relationship. Surely if one were to decide to do that it would be because they'd met a specific person who was perfect for them, not just for the sake of it? I find the whole idea of looking for a relationship at all really odd and forced. If it happens, it happens, and I'd have to be completely swept off my feet to be remotely interested! If it doesn't, then it doesn't and so what? There's so much more to life. To be honest I find the general obsession with it odd in that I expect it leads to many relationships being forced or enduring far longer than they should, for the happiness of everyone involved. Perhaps it is some kind of need for external validation? Or people who've never learned how to appreciate their own company. I'm not sure. But it doesn't seem healthy to be so fixated on one optional aspect of life.

Hello

I have given up on dating too. I'm in my early 30's and I just haven't got the energy anymore to deal with heartaches. I sometimes miss being in a relationship. But I do wonder if it's something to do with age that dating and relationships drops in the list of priorities?