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Relationships

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Original poster

At what point would you give up?

23 replies

Pimsocloc · 20/02/2021 19:07

Ive been with my partner 18 months, we both have 2 primary/secondary aged kids each.

We've had our ups and downs but all has been good for a while now, we enjoy our time together. We both have 50:50 custody of our kids and both work full time. As a result, we usually see each other one evening/overnight a week, sometimes more but we are quite restricted in finding childfree and workfree times.

We discussed meeting kids in the past, but I tended to stall it as I wanted to wait until I felt confident we were serious and likely to work. Before Christmas I discussed meeting kids and partner said he wanted to wait until his eldest was well settled as he started a new school in January. So I didn't raise again until today.

When I asked if he wanted to start meeting each others kids soon, today he said that he feels our relationship is good and he just wants his dc a bit more settled in school.

I didn't push him further, partner needs to make that decision and be happy. But at what stage would you give up? It feels a bit like he is stalling now perhaps.

Am I expecting too much to meet kids after 18 months? Our relationship struggles to progress if we don't become more involved in each others lives. For information his kids know his ex wife's partner, they've been together a couple of years.

OP posts:

horridhorrid · 20/02/2021 19:11

Why does his dc need to be settled in school before introducing you to them? Baffled.

Snowymcsnowsony · 20/02/2021 19:12

Stalling.
. Even on mn the advice is a year!!.

Original poster

Pimsocloc · 20/02/2021 19:12

Sorry, I think because they had moved house with their mum, so he didn't want too much change at once.

OP posts:

Tumblebugsjump · 20/02/2021 19:14

It's very slow, I would move on, he's stalling for some reason

StephenBelafonte · 20/02/2021 19:14

Are his kids the secondary school age ones? To be honest they've probably got their own lives. I wouldn't push it - make the most of not having to take their needs into considersation whilst you still can!

Callingallskeletons · 20/02/2021 19:18

I would be surprised not to have met most of his family by 18months tbh OP

But that said these are not usual times, I think the excuse is probably BS though, do the kid’s actually know about your relationship? Is there a chance he’s worried about a repercussion from his ex?

Original poster

Pimsocloc · 20/02/2021 19:41

@StephenBelafonte his kids are 11 and 13. He has said they can be a bit boisterous in the past, but can't imagine that would stop him introducing them.

@Callingallskeletons his family know about me but aren't local so haven't met them. His ex wife doesn't know he is in a relationship, from what I know she may make his life hard(er) so I can see its 'simpler' not to rock the boat from his perspective.

OP posts:

OldWomanSaysThis · 20/02/2021 19:47

So not telling the children really means not telling the ex-wife? Is that right?

I guess all you can do is accept it and continue on in this non-progressive relationship or end it and look for someone in a different situation. It doesn't sound like he intends to change things. Which is fine - his right.

StephenBelafonte · 20/02/2021 19:50

Aww it sounds like a lovely relationship to me, you said yourself that everythings been good for a while now. Try not to worry too much about this one thing, 18 months is a bit longer than average BUT it's not that long! Make some noises about getting everyone together for a meal at christmas time and if it doesn't happen then, well THEN, i'd worry.

Hope you don't mind me asking but does his facebook status say that he's single? Are you his facebook friend?

Original poster

Pimsocloc · 20/02/2021 20:05

@StephenBelafonte yes I'm his Facebook friend. He has no relationship status showing, but I'm pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else as he wouldn't have time!

He may be a bit apprehensive as we had a brief 'break' six months ago, instigated by me. But I would have hoped he may be keen to meet kids, make things more 'serious' by now. His other behaviour suggests he is, he keeps good contact, is loving and affectionate when we are together etc.

I guess it bothers me that we haven't got a plan in place.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 20/02/2021 20:18

I went years before introducing the kids. Like, a good few years.
Couple of reasons. Firstly, we kept our adult dating relationship alive more without it just fading into just family time, and secondly, my dc was an only child and I wanted the time with him, to be not fighting for attention with the others.
And it worked. 10 years down the line and the kids all get on, we all get on, and it worked.
Now this is just my story, that's not saying its right but it worked for us.

ivfbeenbusy · 20/02/2021 20:35

So you admit you stalled in the past and also you broke it off with him a few months ago???? No wonder he is now reluctant! But now that it suits you you are complaining that he is now stalking?

applepiecharm · 20/02/2021 20:49

He's still not that sure on the future of your relationship lasting that's why he's really stalling, it's not a bad thing to be as sure as you can but I don't like his excuses.
If you had a break 6 months ago maybe this is why he is reluctant, give it a bit more time I think to evaluate it for your own good too.

MrsWindass · 20/02/2021 20:55

[quote Pimsocloc]@StephenBelafonte his kids are 11 and 13. He has said they can be a bit boisterous in the past, but can't imagine that would stop him introducing them.

@Callingallskeletons his family know about me but aren't local so haven't met them. His ex wife doesn't know he is in a relationship, from what I know she may make his life hard(er) so I can see its 'simpler' not to rock the boat from his perspective.

Do I leave it a few weeks and then discuss again with him? Find out what he envisions for the future? I gave him to opportunity to say he would rather keep our relationship separate, but he didn't comment on that.[/quote]
His ex wife doesn't know he is in a relationship, from what I know she may make his life hard(er) so I can see its 'simpler' not to rock the boat from his perspective

Well there is your answer . He needs to man/gender/wtf up .

NotAgainNoMore · 20/02/2021 21:19

I've been there OP, almost exact situation etc.
Even though his partner did the dirty and had moved on, my partner somehow wasn't allowed to. He was terrified she would use any excuse to twart the relationship with his kids. It just made it impossible to move on. In hindsight, I think he was lying, about some of the details.
I ended it and moved on.

Original poster

Pimsocloc · 20/02/2021 21:33

@NotAgainNoMore when did you first ask to meet the kids and how long did you give it before you ended it?

I can see that he may want some more time to think about when he may be ready, I'm not giving an ultimatum, it just feels hard to keep momentum in a relationship that so restricted due to work and kids.

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 20/02/2021 21:46

Unsure as to why his ex would make his life hard if she knew about you. . Has he told you that? You say his ex has had a new partner for a few years, so surely she would be unlikely to object to him moving on too. IMO, men who keep their new partners secret from their ex are usually doing so because they still have feelings for their ex.

Original poster

Pimsocloc · 21/02/2021 00:20

@Livelovebehappy that's my fear, that he's not over his ex wife, even though they've been divorced five years. From what he's said I'm his first proper relationship since the divorce. It seems a long time for him to have feelings for her though?

I had wondered if he was avoiding any conflict with her as although they get on fine most of the time she can be quite argumentative it seems. She threatens him with legal action every so often (there's no reason I know of that she could win on anything, he does more than the divorce agreement).

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 21/02/2021 00:44

If your relationship is good otherwise, I'd ease up on looking for any introductions until the covid restrictions are eased as now is not really the time for relaxing social interactions. Aside from that, you need to know if he is serious about you & if he is that there is a plan to meet the kids at some point... fair enough if he has concerns about it because he is worried about their reactions or unsettling them more...but at least they should know that you exist if he wants you in his life. I think where kids are involved, you need to go slowly & get it right....18mths might seem long but the virus can account for a year of that at this stage. Have a chat, voice your true concerns & see what he says. If there is no plan or consideration of your feelings then maybe he is stalling because you are the one he's not sure about.

Playnoh · 21/02/2021 16:13

It sounds as if he like you but doesn’t want a blended family.

Silenceisgolden20 · 21/02/2021 16:24

Didn't you post about this before?

Has he told his ex wife yet? That would be a start.
If he won't, move on.

LatentPhase · 21/02/2021 17:15

You’ve had a break and so I guess you might both be right to be cautious.

Why did you have a break?

GeeBranzi · 07/03/2021 03:56

This reply has been deleted

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