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Original poster

Sex after a long marriage. Eek!!

23 replies

Lucy00 · 20/02/2021 18:46

I’m hoping for some words of reassurance.

I was with exdh from 17-40.
Now newly single and have a man very much offering a sexual fling. The casualness of it suits me currently.
But boy am I nervous about it! New person. Mum bod. Very self conscious Much heavier than his ex for a start. I’m even worried about kissing. But the thought of it sets me alight.
Will it just happen Will animal magnetism take over?

OP posts:
Tal45 · 20/02/2021 18:52

Why don't you just start with kissing? You don't have to have sex the first time you kiss if you decide you don't want to. You're putting a lot of pressure on when it should be fun! x

isawoofer · 20/02/2021 22:33

I have exactly the same worry! Don't know how to get over it Confused I guess we won't know until we try but does make me anxious

StarlightLady · 21/02/2021 07:15

I would suggest 3 things.

  1. A nice bottle of wine.
  2. Condoms.
  3. Daytime or early evening sex. It’s nice to be home alone and thoughtful after the first time with someone new, rather than spending the night and then the morning bathroom thing.
SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 07:24

Unlesd you're wearing a tent he knows your size because he will have seen you.

No man expects a toned, immaculate, no cellulite, no wibbly bits on a woman over 40.

Think body confidence and if you haven't got it fake it until you make it.

The sex should flow naturally and not feel awkward.

I had my own sexual revolution after I left my husband who I had been with from 19 - 37, it was so liberating and gave me so much confidence.

Good luck

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 21/02/2021 07:40

Santana, dim lighting and lingerie that makes you feel good (babydoll?)

Eckhart · 21/02/2021 08:10

Why do you feel pressure? You do it when animal magnetism takes over. You don't make the decision you're going to do it, then hope that animal magnetism comes to give you a bit of support. If you did, what would be your reason for deciding to do it?

TracyHorrobin · 21/02/2021 08:29

Keep the thought of it setting you "alight" at the front of your mind. Set the mood, feeling good about yourself (bubble bath, exfoliate, loads of body lotion etc) a glass of wine (but stick to one glass) and then put yourself in his shoes. Does he not have Dad bod/middle aged man bod? He will probably be bothered about his fat belly/cellulite (some men do have cellulite)/hairy back/grey hairs/too much hair where he doesn't want it/not enough where he does want it/varicose veins......
And thats before he's had chance to be worried about his manhood. Relax and look forward to it.
I hope I haven't put you off him.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 21/02/2021 08:37

Manhood 😂😂😂

adventurealice · 21/02/2021 08:50

Bear in mind he will probably have similar thoughts about himself. Hopefully he is over the moon he has found a woman who is keen on him! Of course, being a man he will let his raging old boy drag him into the arena despite any doubts, maybe your mary could do the same for you...

WingingItAtLife · 21/02/2021 09:05

I had similar reservations... Left a relationship that had lasted from 18-32. Two kids later, a cesarean scar, wobbly bits. I wasn't hugely confident of myself.
It was fine, more than fine. He didn't seem put off my any of my wobbly bits at all.
I agree with a pp, have sex when the animal magnetism is already there.
For me, we'd met a few times and had kissed and the sexual tension was there so once we started having sex the animal magnetism definitely took over and I wasn't thinking about anything other than enjoying it.
Hope it goes well! Have fun!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2021 09:40

I don't have sex any more at 60 because I can't be bothered but honestly men couldn't care less what you look like underneath as long as you are confident. That is the key.
I've been a naturist for years and some of the ssights you seem saggy boobs, stretchmarks everywhere, pregnancy flaps. They nearly all had relationships or boyfriends as had I for years and I was nothing to look at.
Get some nice lingerie that makes you feel good and be super confident. I guarantee none of your perceived faults will matter.

havecourage8bekind · 21/02/2021 10:04

I don't even have a man at the moment but this terrifys me too! I was with my ex for ten years age 18-28. Only man I've ever slept with and only man that's seen my wobbly bits...the thought of getting my mum bod out for someone scares the life out of me! This thread is reassuring though...confidence is sexier than a flat belly I think! X

StarlightLady · 21/02/2021 10:13

@havecourage8bekind - Sex is more to do with touch and passion than visual.

Original poster
Lucy00 · 21/02/2021 12:17

Thanks this is all really helpful.
My top niggle worries are

  1. performance with someone new. Will it come naturally or will it be all clanking teeth and the likes. I’ve got to see him all the time and a terrible shag would be so embarrassing. I have little other experience although had fulfilling sex with exdh.
  2. my body. I’ve met his lovely ex wife and she is elegant and lithe and I’m voluptuous and wobbly. I’m not sure how he will react to that. But you’re right he isn’t unaware of the fact there’s a lot more of me so it shouldn’t be too much of a shock!
  3. being brave enough to initiate it. We live quite far apart and would need to drive so I’m not sure I can do Dutch courage, although I’m sure it would help a lot.
OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 21/02/2021 12:23

Maybe his exW is an ex because she spent all her time keeping herself lithe and became self-obsessed and boring. Maybe he actually prefers more voluptuous women or maybe he just likes YOU, thinks you're sexy, funny, interesting, pretty... and that the two of you could have some fun together. Dont overthink it, just enjoy it.

Eckhart · 21/02/2021 12:26

You don't have to initiate anything. This is what animal magnestism is for! Spend time with him. Unless he's a horrible person, he's not going to imagine that spending time with you is a guaranteed shag. If you fancy him and are open to being intimate with him from a psychological point of view, let things develop on their own.

It's something of a concern that you're so uncomfortable with the idea that if it doesn't feel right (it's not really funny but 'clanking teeth' is such an astute way to put it that it really made me laugh!) you just pull back. You say no. You say stop. You don't have to go ahead and continue clanking teeth until you've completed the chemistry-free sexual encounter.

What would be so bad if you heard the sounds of teeth clanking, and you pulled back and said 'Lets just hold back a bit here, I'm not ready for this'? What is the negative impact you would expect from doing this? Because if he's worth considering having sex with, he's the kind of person who will say 'Sure, whatever you need.'

Have you felt pressured in sexual relationships in the past?

Bumofthejoke · 21/02/2021 12:40

I was so nervous about sex with a new man after a long marriage and 4 DC later. As others have said, scars, cellulite, wobbly bits. I was terrified! The man I actually did have sex with was 15 years younger than me and honestly, he couldn’t get enough of me. It was such a confidence boost. Go for it OP

Original poster
Lucy00 · 21/02/2021 12:40

No, not at all.
I think I’ve build it up in my head for a long time that if it’s not hot I’ll be really disappointed. We’ve been flirting for a couple of years.
We also have really tight schedules so if we schedule an opportunity I’d be sad not to make the most of it. Blush

OP posts:
Pyewackect · 21/02/2021 12:54

This guy is offering casual sex. Don't expect anything more.

Original poster
Lucy00 · 21/02/2021 13:30

Yes it’s 100% a fwb. That’s why the benefits need to be worth it because it won’t be a boring shag but lovely guy.

OP posts:
moanieleminx · 22/02/2021 23:10

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I don't have sex any more at 60 because I can't be bothered but honestly men couldn't care less what you look like underneath as long as you are confident. That is the key. I've been a naturist for years and some of the ssights you seem saggy boobs, stretchmarks everywhere, pregnancy flaps. They nearly all had relationships or boyfriends as had I for years and I was nothing to look at. Get some nice lingerie that makes you feel good and be super confident. I guarantee none of your perceived faults will matter.
Pregnancy flaps?

Good god, what an awful way with words you have.

Original poster
Lucy00 · 24/02/2021 19:10

Have to find some nice undies to hide my pregnancy flaps Wink

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 25/02/2021 14:07

Try to relax and go with the flow and not over think or worry, most men really don’t care when they with a woman who actually wants to have with them, we are easily pleased

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