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[MrsDukeOfHastings]

Hey,

I've posted a few times in relationships about various things and sometimes I see other threads and it gets me thinking.

So when I got with my ex (ds dad) I just knew that it wouldn't be forever and at the time I had a chat with a family member who said she had the same feeling when marrying. She loved him, had 2 kids and there was no issues at the time but she just knew that it wouldn't be a forever thing, but she just sort of brushed it because there was no reason for it not to be. She divorced from him 8 years ago and I no longer am with my ds dad.

My question is, does anyone else feel like that? Did you feel like that? Was the feeling correcr or not. Or do you think its just a case of, we have that feeling so it will inevitably end that way?

Just curious as I couldn't imagine entering a marriage knowing it wouldn't last.

No, that sounds absurd.

Nope and I have no idea why people stay in the relationship if they feel that way, let alone have kids etc...

Well you had kids with someone thinking that sooooo

Yes I did, it was difficult circumstances. I was just wondering how many people have felt that way. I've heard quite a few people irl say the same so its not that uncommon.

You can’t guarantee any relationship will be forever even if you think it will when you get married. But it does seem a bit odd to marry someone when you feel certain that you will break up... why get married and make the break up more complicated and expensive? I’ve heard a few people say similar, but they didn’t marry the person, they kept it on a more casual basis.

When I met my ex I remember telling my best friend how much I liked him, but thought the relationship had a “shelf life”. But I fell in love with him, got married and had 3 dc. I don’t remember what made me think like that, but after 15 years we’ve recently split.
So yes. I know what you mean.

I wanted my marriage to be forever but I did have a feeling it wouldn't. I was right. I still married him though - it was worth the chance to me.

Maybe some people are just more anxious, pessimistic or scared of getting hurt. They might always just hold back a little. So they are inclined to think it will go wrong but they give it a chance because know one ever knows.

I do think what you say is right, it was worth taking the risk. Just going based on a feeling, when there is no real obvious issue, seems a bit silly.

I dont agree that absolutely everybody that has thought that should never have married and had kids, because you just don't know.

I knew my first DH wasn't 'the one' but went ahead and married him anyway. It lasted 7 years, thankfully no DC.

2nd time around I know it is forever, 22 years in.

For those of you that said you felt the same, was it just that, a feeling? Or was there things in their character that made you feel that way and now you could say that was the reason? I think in my family members case, there was a cultural difference and her naivety being younger, thought it wouldn't matter because love conquers all etc but as they got older she realised there were some huge differences.

As I walked down the aisle to marry first XH, I thought "Well there's always divorce".

Why did I marry him, and subsequently have a child with him? Well, after a lot of soul-searching in later years, this is what I came up with:-

1. I was only 22 when we married, 19 when we met.

2. My own parents' marriage ended very bitterly when I was 10, and my mother bad-mouthed him to such an extent that I had no real perception of what a happy marriage should look like, so the fact that we got on well was good.

3. I believed that I would come to fancy him in time- again, no real perception of how happy marriages worked. My mother had made out that my dad was a sex pest and the implication was that women just put up with it, so not minding the sex seemed like a good thing.

4. I was living with my mother when I met XH- getting out of there played a big part.

5. Lack of self esteem led me to believe that he would likely be the only man to ever want to marry me.

The marriage only ended when we'd had ds1 and I saw how he behaved- basically a spoilt little mummy's boy who refused to be a responsible father. Maybe if we hadn't had children it might have been different, but I think that's unlikely really.

I'm sure everyone has spotted the common theme here - my mother. Her bad marriage and her bitterness contributed hugely to how I viewed marriage.

Yes. My current partner I know deep down isn’t my Mr Right. He was mr right now when I met him after a horrible breakup - we have a DC together and we muddle along fine but in my heart of hearts I don’t see us growing old together

I have had not-living-together relationships where I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but never married without thinking that it would.

@Shodan I think I'm quite similar to you, didn't really know what a good relationship looked like and just accepted things because I thought they were normal. As I've gotten older and become a mother myself and actually have normal people around me, I look back at how stupid I was for thinking I was in a normal relationship.

Interesting though how often people do feel this way, someone upthread said well you had a dc with him sooooooo.....

I'm very blessed to have my dc and I'm grateful because I was able to produce something so amazing that will last the rest of my life, out of something not so amazing and it taught me boundaries. If I didn't have ds I may never have matured and known whats right in a relationship.

I dont think I would enter another relationship now if I had them feelings or doubts, even if there is nothing to base it on.

Yes. Really felt like I had 'found home'. Wasn't a soulmate but we clicked. Trusted him completely.

I was wrong.

I knew I wouldn't be with my exH long term. We liked each other enough to try, we had kids then co parented.

No I thought DH and I would grow old together. My parents divorced. I never wanted to put my kids through what we went through. I couldn't imagine having kids with someone when I knew our relationship would have an expiry date.

Mr 'Will do for now' is much easier to find, not everyone finds 'the one' and even if they do it can go wrong down the line. You can't know enough about a person until much further on, to assess if it could be forever, by which time even if you decide probably not, there's a strong bond there still. Would recommend being married before children though, more security that way.

I had a bad feeling about it - that something wasn't quite right, but as a pp said, I was too young (22?) and had such low-self image that I thought that was all I would ever get.
I still wonder what my now-husband sees in me! But it's been a lot longer and happier than the first.