Can’t be alone in my flat at night

[Overwhelmed245]

I left a bad relationship nearly two years ago he held me hostage in the house for 3 hours locking all the doors and then stalked me for a very long time afterwards. Police where involved and he can’t come near me. I had been living with family since then and craving my own space. So after a lot of difficulty during lock down I cleaned the house ready for sale.

I had been going to the house with my mum for weeks and one day she dropped me off and went to the shop while moving boxes I walked into the living room to find him standing there he had used his key to get in the back door I called the police but as it was a joint property he was still allowed there and claimed not have known I was inside.

I finally sold our joint house and brought a flat for myself due to my job I live in the same town as him. Every night I double lock the door check each room and worry over every noise I constantly think he’s coming to my flat or going to do something. It’s all so silly I don’t no what to do to help my anxiety if my partner is here it’s not as bad or during the day. Obviously moving home isn’t the solution as I want to stand on my own to feet and get over this. Moving isn’t an option. Any ways I can help myself feel less worried.

Have you got CCTV or a Hive-type doorbell?

I am wondering if you are still, understandably, extremely traumatised after what happened. Are you in a position to get any form of counselling? There are people who have been diagnosed with PTSD after similar horrific domestic incidents.

Definitely try some therapy for PTSD.

Thank you I’m looking to get some therapy it’s next on my list I don’t have a ring doorbell but my flat is very secure I have a video buzzer and you can’t get in with out a code to the main door and then my flat has a peep hole. How would I find a therapist?

I don’t think I am fully over it I also have a police investigation ongoing since last year after he hacked my phone we think any day now I find out the outcome so hopefully once that’s over I’ll feel better.
I’ve also had my ex’s aunt ring me last month to ask if I new where he was as I think a family member had passed away and none of his family had a contact number or an address for him neither do I she apologised for contacting me but it didn’t help

I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I would second looking for a therapist. I too had to leave a relationship where I was scared of him contacting me, and moved into a flat on my own. I’d never lived alone before and barely slept for the first week but it got easier and now I don’t give it a second thought. Practically speaking make sure your door is secure, and has a chain on it. People told me to sleep with a cricket bat but I knew that would prove pointless as even if he got in i would be unable to hurt him. I bought a self defence spray from amazon which I keep next to my bed which cost about £10 and this helped as I know if ever I needed to use it I could spray him in the eyes with that and get out while he couldn’t see. I hope none of that was triggering for anybody to read, it’s just the only practical thing I could think to keep near me. Take care x

I would also look at getting a Ring doorbell on your own front door. I live alone and its just another level of security for you. Its been great for me. As for therapists, you can go through the NHS and look for Time to Talk which is a free therapy for anyone. You will have to go through some chatting with them so they can tailor your therapy. Its done usually over the phone. If you can afford private you can search on the internet for qualified therapists that specialise in PTSD and abusive relationships. Healing from an abusive relationship can take a while for sure.

For therapists look at BACP for guidance and regulated therapists. UK body, absolute must for reccomendations. I'd not have much hope for NHS help unless you want to wait a year for 8 sessions of CBT. Fuck that. Many do sliding scales for payment. I'd
recommend psychotherapy. Good luck.

It may be worth asking the council about any “target hardening” scheme it may run. This might offer you enhanced security and peace of mind.

Is it possible to get a dog ? I had a stalker many years ago (nowhere near as bad as ur situation):, and have never felt safer since I got them

@Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername

Is it possible to get a dog ? I had a stalker many years ago (nowhere near as bad as ur situation):, and have never felt safer since I got them

I would recommend this. A dog will be alert to noises that are not ordinary. If you are hyper-sensitive to noises at night you can rest knowing that if the dog doesn't react it is just the plumbing or the house settling or a mouse in the kitchen.

I am so sorry what you have been through OP

I can’t imagine what you have been through but I have bad anxiety at nighttime being left alone. I have a routine when DD goes to bed of making sure all windows are closed, doors are locked etc.

I came on to recommend a dog- I have one who is a daft as a brush but if someone was to break in he would at least bark to make me aware in the hope it would give me enough time to get me and DD as safe as possible (she has a lock on her bedroom door which I admit won’t be practical when she is older) so I could call the police.

I have CCTV (interior in kitchen, hallway and upstairs landing which covers inside of front and back doors and covers the living room which are the only ways someone would more than likely break in as downstairs loo window is tiny and then the upstairs landing in case someone used a ladder and then exterior looking over the front and buck) which I can access on my phone. I also have a ring doorbell.

It also helps me leaving a landing light on so if I get up in the middle of the night I don’t panic that I’m in the dark and I leave my bedroom door open so light comes into my room.

I can’t have dogs in my flat or would I be able to look after one due to work and money costs