Freedom project whilst in abusive relationship?

[SunflowerSu]

I’ve just read through the Freedom Project, online version.

The bully, Liar and sexual controller all ring true for my husband.

We’re still together and I’m still holding on to the idea that he can change. Although I realise that would take a LOT of hard work which he currently isn’t even considering.

Has anybody else ever done the freedom project when in the relationship?
Anybody ever directed their partner to it and seen any change?

The parts of it that make me think change is actually possible is firstly, the author talks about men who have attended her programme and engaged with it and secondly that it seems most of the behaviour she describes is learnt. Yes, it’s deeply engrained from their own experiences but surely if it’s learnt, it can be unlearnt with the right help?

I sound daft don’t I!!!

Following this thread
Hope your ok op
Really good advice on here

@AttilaTheMeerkat

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Like father, like son. His father was and remains the same i.e abusive and a bully (btw are they still together?) so its of no real surprise that your H is abusive also. His father has not changed and his son your H is not going to change either. He does this also because it works for him. That is what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up; he learnt from his father how to abuse a woman. Your H hates women too, all of them. Women also are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

AM courses and the like are no answer to domestic violence which is what this also is. The success rate for such courses is extremely poor in any case, these men need years of therapy and not mere months. Even then they feel entitled to act as they do and do not see their behaviour as a problem. Its always someone else's fault and never theirs.

Pregnancy and birth are also flashpoints for abusers like your H to further up the power and control against their target, in this case you. As it stands you cannot protect your son either because he will further pick up on all this between his dad and you. He cannot grow up thinking that your model of a relationship you are both showing him is his norm too.

Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn your child. Its not about communication or a perceived lack of.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to also teach your son about relationships here; currently he is seeing his dad abusing you as his mum. It is no model to be showing him.

Your 95% pretty perfect re him figure is absolutely wrong and besides which how did you arrive at such a figure anyway?. Its just a figure you've plucked out of thin air. Denial too is a powerful force.

The only way forward for you and your son is to divorce this man and he won't want to let go of you that easily. This is because he likes having you around to mistreat; he has indeed ground you down and further wreak your already weakened boundaries. The longer you remain with him for whatever reasons you come up with, the worse it will be for you and your son.

Please don’t say this - like father like son. My ex was abusive, my son is being raised not to be. By all means says it’s learned behaviour. Me ex learnt it from his parents. But my son and my exes children are also mine and it is not going to be ‘like father like son’

It's not a ticklist of traits or a blueprint of what every single abuser looks like, they are examples of the types of behaviours used by abusers to control someone. If a man is using any array of those examples then he's an abuser - he doesn't have to be doing every last one of them.

I'm not surprised you felt confused if you were trying to use it as a ticklist.

The "bully" section is just what they've used to title one set of example behaviours. It's not an attempt to define bullies. Every section has been given a name - it's just a way to discuss themes.

Each section considers a different type of abusive tactic and includes examples. Just because your abuser is financially abusive but not sexually abusive (for example - there is one section for each of those) doesn't mean he's not abusive. It means he's financially abusive.

That yours is engaging in multiple abusive tactics across multiple types of abuse means he is an abuser.

I really think you would benefit from doing the Zoom course if you can so you can ask questions.

When Pat Craven talks about perpetrators she is referring to a separate perpetrator programme. Abusers don't do the standard Freedom Programme because they use it as a how to guide for abusing more effectively and without detection. It's dangerous.

Even those on a perpetrator programme are only accepted if the relationship has ended. Because the evidence base shows that abusers who attend perp programmes whilst still in a relationship do so in order to maintain control of the victim, not because they want to change for themselves. So all that happens is they refine their abuse.