Second time round relationships

[Mrsgettingold]

What are everyone’s expectations? When I met my husband I was 21, he stayed over at mine and basically never left so we moved in together within months, I loved him, we got engaged after 3 years and married 6 months after that. I couldn’t wait to be the mother of his children. I wanted my world with him, we had 2 dc and a successful business. Everything was about us and providing for our children.
So.. things went wrong, drinking gambling and abuse so eventually I left and now have an awful relationship with him and he rarely even sees our children.

My current dp had similar with his exw, they met, moved in quickly, had children and got married, successful careers and again on the outside had this perfect life. But she was unhappy (probably bored) and left him for someone else

Now, I have been with my dp for 4 years. Neither of us have the same feelings as first time round, we don’t have joint stuff or any intentions of getting married, we do live together and want to buy together but it’s not out of love and excitement like it was first time, more convenience.
We get on and work well together, don’t really argue, he’s kind and thoughtful and I care about him deeply. I do want to be with him forever, he’s the one I imagine getting old with

We briefly discussed having more children 2 years ago but he mentioned that it would feel different, indicating that I was not part of the “original group” so our child would feel different. Although no one can know how they would feel and I’m sure if we had decided that another child was for us then he would feel differently. However for me, another child would be horrific and was never really on the cards anyway. He was also upset when his exw had a baby with her dp a year ago as felt he was no longer part of that group. I wasn’t sure what to make of this at the time as we had been together 3 years and it felt like he was only just realising his marriage was over.

This worried me because I really don’t care what my exh is doing and who with or if he had more children, however we have a very different relationship over the children

We are both early 40’s and all our children are 10-12. Are these feelings normal because we are now grown up with baggage or is this relationship doomed?

We are still both financially successful in our own rights and so financially don’t rely on each other. However buying a house together would make things easier as could then free up money for other investments for an earlier retirement fund. We have my children full time and his 4 nights a week

I'm not quite sure what your question is exactly. Yes I am much more, not cautious exactly, but measured now. My dp doesn't live with me, will not ever be a step parent and I doubt I will ever want to merge my finances again. What your dp says about groups is about odd. He lives with your kids.. Does he feel part of that group?

Thanks for replying @HugeAckmansWife I’m asking is this normal? Should I want to get married? Should he?
I like the family unit we have set up, he’s a great step dad (although we don’t call each other step)
He does feel part of our group, he’s great with my family and fits in really well. I don’t have much to do with his though. His exw is very much involved with his family and Iv never really built up a close relationship with them, we get on but it’s not a close bond.

Is there a better board to post this on?

You don't sound particularly loved up or excited by each other.

I don’t think marriage is important, but it does make sense to want to own your home together. You are lucky that you both have money & you both have options to invest together aswell as keeping some separate.
It makes sense to be more cautious when you don’t have children together, as my main focus would be protecting myself for my children’s sake x

No you're in the right place but if you want more responses you could try chat.. Thing is, there's no such thing as 'normal' and a relationship doesn't have to follow a set pattern or shape to validate it. I am very happy and 'loved up' with my partner but we're not star crossed teens and don't have to behave like it. If your set up works for you and everyone is happy then it's right.

Tbh I think you must have learnt a lot from your first relationship and I think it's normal that it's different this time around. You've acheived a lot of what is "expected" first time round, meaning you have more freedom to decide what you want out of this second relationship without those pressures. If you're both happy, I would try not worry about what is "normal".

In reference to "group s" I can like of understand that. I am amicable with my ex but would worry if he had another child with someone else - more for my child than anything, and that the set up we had that was working would change. Does not mean I wanted to get back with my ex! . I think you have a different experience with your ex.

I agree that second relationships are usually more 'grown up' but I do personally feel excited at the thought of a future with my partner, its not just for practical purposes, I also think you should feel a part of his family group, not the outsider. I'm still close to my ex husband's family but not at the expense of pushing his partner out. Having said all that, there is not really a normal for this, if you're comfortable with the way things are then just enjoy it