Anxious/ Ambivalent attachment - Toddler showing signs

[JC2021]

Hi All,

Brief background, my DS (now 2) is showing signs of being insecurely attached.

We had quite a tough start with him, colic, sever reflux and awful sleepless nights (that still occur at times)

Me and husband argued a fair bit and had next to no support from anyone. We didn’t know what hit us.

It’s very sad to see but my little one is extremely clingy to me, fearful and weary of others (especially children) doesn’t go off and play, even if I’m there.

I struggled massively with PN Anxiety but i didn’t realise at the time just assumed this was parenthood. So this became worse/paranoia and insomnia.

My baby caught an infection which we were hospitalised with..

It was a fairly traumatic start all round I would say and I can really see how he differs to other kids with perhaps more secure attachment.

He’s coming up for 2.5years and is not yet at nursery.

How do improve things for us? For him?

It’s very difficult facing this.

Thanks in advance for any advice/suggestions.

How are things generally now? Have they settled down for you all?

I'm no expert in this but toddlers can be the way you describe - clingy and not wanting to play with others. At his age, they tend to play alongside other children rather than with them anyway.

It's obviously hard at the moment but I would suggest a couple of things. He won't go and play if he doesn't feel confident doing so. So i would show him how to do it. Don't expect him to just go and join in or play with the toys, go with him and show him what there is. Then, when you can see he is happy, sit back and let him forget you are there. When he is happy with that, tell him mummy is going to sit on a chair. That you're not going anywhere and you can still see him and he can still see you. Gradually withdraw whilst building his confidence. You'll have a few false starts.

And maybe see about getting him into nursery too. Even just part time. Nurseries are used to children who don't want to leave their parents but the vast majority of children will cry desperately for you to not leave them but are ok once you're gone.

Don't avoid doing these things because you are worried about his response.

My son was clingy (we also had a bit of a traumatic start for different reasons) and I couldnt even put him down to put the washing out. I had a friend who would sit with him while it did, watch me through the window and talk him through what I was ddoing and when i was coming back in the house. He screamed the first couple of times but very quickly became more.comfortable with it.

Lots of love, reassurance and tiny steps.

He's a very securely attached 20something now!

Look up circle of security and try and get on a course if you can. Many areas have it for free through children’s centres but you should never need to pay for it. If you can’t, their book, raising a secure child is supposed to be good.

I agree that this can be normal toddler behaviour. My son was very clingy, wouldn’t play with other kids, anxious. I divorced when he was 6 and I seriously worried about him. He’s now the most wonderful and confident 9 year old old. OTOH, another child I know was showing similar signs and now has serious behavioural issues as an 8 year old. A psychologist is involved and says she has attachment issues. She gave strategies which worked and child Mum needed regularly therapy. I think you recognise this could be the case given your circumstances and I’d advise getting help now to determine whether this is the case.

He will take cues from you.

When there is an opportunity to play with other children, you take the lead and play. If you know of a couple of quieter gentle children, invite them for a playdate. Then when you bring the toys out, get down on the floor and play. Your DS will be watching you and will feel ok to join in since you are.
Create as many opportunities as you can for socialisation.

I'm not a professional in this area but do know a bit about the history of attachment tests and my understanding is that assessing the attachment style shouldn't be done by the carer themselves - you need to be trained (and outside the situation). It sounds like you've had a hard, anxious time and my concern is that worrying about his attachment style (which is a more complex and controversial thing than suggested by many parenting websites or books, which make it sound like creating secure attachment is a test you pass or fail depending on whether you do things 'right') is a new repository for this worry. If you start consciously monitoring your interactions it might inhibit your natural attachment not strengthen it, especially if you're doing it without any expert input.

Thanks for replies everyone..

Yes my anxiety hasn't helped and I started therapy but then we moved house when he was 1 year old and haven't returned to therapy since.. I should though..

I'm thinking of contacting my GP and getting a referral? It might also be worth checking with a paediatrician? Perhaps they would do an observation/attachment test?

I grew up shy, anxious and low self-esteem and it has effected each and every decision/choice i've made - I need to be sure he won't grow up the same - hence why i'm looking into things now..

Also the tip about playing with other children is a really good one, i've not done that and have sat back to let him take the lead but I guess he needs to see me play with other children too so he can join in..

Covid hasn't helped one bit as we've not been to any groups/classes or had playdates..

OP I think this your third thread about your DS, and with the very best intentions meant, it seems like you’re looking for us to tell you there is something underlying with your son. I think in all of your other posts everyone has told you that your DS is exhibiting normal toddler behaviour. Maybe the issue is with your own anxiety, you have mentioned you do suffer and have suffered in the past, so rather than projecting your anxieties onto your DS, maybe seek some therapy for yourself.

I’m sorry if I am coming across harsh, I don’t mean too. As parents we have to take responsibility for how our own behaviour can impact our children, and as long as you see your own anxieties in your DS, he may start exhibiting for real. I think you owe it to your DS to restart your therapy. Then, if you still feel the same way about your DS, your best support would be to go to speak to your health visitor or GP and seek a referral. X

@Offside
you are definitely right. I do need to be aware of my own anxiety and I think starting therapy is a must for me now..

I suppose being a first time mum, you never quite know what's normal and what's not - especially if you don't have a good support network either.

I do really appreciate people's input on here

xx