The aftermath of abusive relationships-has anyone else been in this position?
I was brought up walking on eggshells and it has affected all my relationships since, looking back-I've always been so scared ofupsetting anyone that I would do anything for anyone, and would let people walk all over me.
My worst relationships were when I was 21, he was awful, not physically but he raped me several times and was very controlling.
And my last one. I realised I was gay in my mid-twenties.
That one ended in 2018-she tried to kill me at least once, and I have a lifelong injury from that.
Straight after ending this a 'friend' I had recently met took me under her wing and I found her so helpful as she would constantly talk to me if I were down, chatted about friendly things, but was also always there if I needed to talk.
When I began getting a bit better and didn't need/want this as much, she didn't like it. It transpired that she wanted me as a girlfriend. I didn't see her this way and she turned very nasty after I voiced this.
She also hated that I didn't 'need' her any more, didn't like if I saw other people, didn't like if she didn't have my attention always. This is all hindsight, it turned very co-dependent.
I did sleep with her, pathetic but I felt I owed her it so I did it. Several times.
Not for a long time, well over a year or more now, last few times I've been to see her (she lives a long way from me)I stood my ground and didn't.
Anyway recently I backed off from her, I realised it was not healthy at all. she was really unhappy, said I'd 'dropped her on her arse' and 'treated her like shit' and 'played her'. I do not feel good about this, I will say though, all through this 'friendship' I had, difficult as it was for someone like me, told her I did not see her as anything more than a friend.
Now, I have met someone. We saw one another for a few months, but I broke it off, and then realised she is actually the best thing that ever happened to me, and asked for a second chance. She is adorable, sensitive, understanding and just, a lot of fun. She's a very happy positive person. She is actually now I've realised, everything I have ever wanted.
I've told her about aforementioned 'friend'.
My two issues are, 1) I want to protect her-'friend' knows about her and I don't want her to find her on social media and give her a load of abuse and/or tell lies about me-perhaps say I slept with her recently, send her our old msgs ( I can't even recall what I may have said or sounded like!) give her a load of abuse, or do anything to jeopardise my happiness-I think she might do as she is such a person who would do this.
- I know I deserve to be happy, as does my partner. i am worried I can't do it because of the past.I am in my late thirties and I have never been happy. I want this to work, but I walk on eggshells around her and I am sure that isn't nice. For example recently, we had a small gathering. A (good!) friend of mine was there. My partner was tired and went to bed and I stayed up for a while talking to friend, about 45 mins or so, before going to bed also. I was in such a panic that I had done something very wrong by staying up and not going to bed with partner. I woke her up-she said she did not understand why on earth i thought she would be upset or angry, I'd not seen my friend in ages, I was having a good time, she was tired-why should I not stay up and have a glass of wine with my friend, why would she be mad. She said I'd obviously been treated badly but she wasn't like that-and that I could have been equally mad with her for retiring early if I were so inclined (obviously I'm not)!
Every time I am with her I constantly ask is she okay, have I been okay to spend time with, have I done something wrong...
But, this sort of thing is what I need to get over. I've got a good thing now, and I am so scared of losing it.
Has anyone ever felt similar?