please help me write down what is missing in our relationship so dh will listen and understand

[arcticwind]

we have been together a long time, two children (ages 5 and 6) but things have been tricky for at least a year - we keep arguing etc

we went to relate and that has helped a bit but it is trcky to go regularly as dh is away lots ..

I am having counselling too as i have been depressed / stressed recently and my counsellor was stunned at how dh does exactly what he wants, and takes no responsibility at all for the children. It was only through seeing her reaction that made me realise it was not normal particuallry as so many people on here have much worse problems

He often goes away for several days to 2 weeks which is hard for me as i work too (4 days). I need to work as i earn the same as him. He really enjoys his job - it is his dream job, but it means that I take and colet the children from school every day - he doesn't as he is away too often to do it reliably. My job is tricky - I gave up a really good job so i could go part time to do all the school runs and now i am getting fed up, frustrated and resentful - hence the stress / depression

When he gets back from being away i expect him to effectively take over the household for as long as he has been away to give me a break, but he resents this; also I feel he lets the chidren mess about watching TV or on the computer all day rather than going out or playing; he struggles to control them as he just loses his temper and tehy end up getting upset.

He never listens to me and just gets cross or blames me so we struggle to talk. i thought I would write down some sort of 'contract' so we know who should do what and get some sort of balance back, but not ure whtehr this is the rgiht thing to do, or how best to approach it.

Hi

In my opinion, men 'get cross' when we try to talk to them because they immediately feel under attack. The defences go up and they project the problem onto us.

Men hate to feel cornered. I hope you don;t mind me saying but, I think the better option would be to go out for a lovely walk and chat to him while you are out. He will feel less under pressure and he will probably listen more effectively and respond in a much better way than if he felt he was under attack.

Another point to remember is, try to refrain from saying 'you do this' or 'you' don't do that. Leave the 'you' word out of him. Try asking him if he can suggest any way that you can make things run more smoothly at home. Point out that if you feel less burdened and less stressed he will reap the benefits from that as much as you will.

Good luck

I'd suggest if you are going to write a contract then you both need to do this together and come up with the specifics together, otherwise your DH will just see it as you telling him what to do and trying to control him.

Don't have any other suggestions really...

Also, could i just add, you feeling resentful, frustrated and depressed is not directly his fault. You are feeling like this because of the circumstances. Try not to hold him responsible for how you are feeling as this too will only lead to disharmony and arguments.