Coping with the resentment

[Anonymouseky]

I’ve recently separated from my husband. We’ve been together over a decade. It’s always been a difficult relationship and too much hard work. I should have trusted my gut instincts but never did. I stuck with it, we got married, have two beautiful children and I’ve sacrificed so much for him over the years. He’s never appreciated any of the sacrifices I’ve made and doesn’t seem to appreciate how lucky he is to have two children. His negativity has been draining and he’s taken a lot of fun out of my life. A lot of the happiest events in my life have been marred by his negative miserable attitude. Our relationship has ended because of him getting physical with me, which I reported to the police. It was a low level incident but has now been recorded on mine and the children’s health records and their school records. It’s a reminder of the negativity and misery he has brought to my life. Unfortunately I will never truly escape him as we have to maintain contact for the children. We are amicable but I’m feeling resentful over the fact that I’ve given over a decade to a man who didn’t deserve 10 minutes of my time. I’ve lost career opportunities, missed out on spending time with friends and family, cried so many tears, everything has been a battle. He was never excited about our wedding or our children being born. I try and look at the positives to have come out of the relationship (like my wonderful children), but I still feel so resentful. Does this feeling pass? How do I stop feeling like this?

The key is to take that resentfulness ( or anger) and channel it positively into being a F U to him. So I’ve wasted my time , so now I’m making up for lost time and doing the things I never could before. That sort of mentality.

One - counselling. Get some professional help. You can self refer to your local NHS service, you can go through Gp but you don’t have to.
It can take some months to get a spot so you will have to work on your own in the meantime. I had counselling when my marriage split up and it helped so much. I know I wouldn’t have got through it as well as I did without the help it gave me. Just having time and space with someone who was totally unrelated to the situation, to vent, cry, rant and of course start to heal.
I really recommend it.

Two - understand that if you allow yourself to sit in these feelings of resentment that he is continuing to negatively impact your life. He did what he did and that is his fault, you can’t control or change what has been but you can control what comes next and how you move forward.

It is going to take a lot of practice but every time you feel that resentment and bitterness and anger rising inside of you, remind yourself that you’re free now, you have lovely kids and a future without that weight around your neck. Be thankful for your life now and for the future, if you focus on that every time the feelings will start to fade.

It takes time and practice but you’ll get there. Well done for getting out of the relationship

Well done for ending the relationship that was not right for you.

I think if you can have counselling it will help you to work through those feelings.

In addition to focusing on the fact that you have had two beautiful children, you could look on it as a learning experience and now you know what you will and won’t accept. I’m sure you have changed and grown in 10 years.

I think we all feel that way about bad relationships but without him quite simply you wouldnt have your children. Channel your energies into making a better life for you and Dcs. Revisit your career, perhaps do training/further education its not too late. You are free!

@Anonymouseky
What Heartofgoldmumof2 said, exactly this.
Maybe, as you have been through the mill and feel so drained, you will appreciate what is to come in the future. Reading about what a joyless fun sponge he is/was, what was it that you liked initially?
Best wishes for the future.

The best revenge is to live a good life. I had a (divorced) friend who spent years feeling bitter towards her ex, who she felt had ruined her life. She ruined her own life, imo, by failing to move on and by obsessing over him for many years after he had forgotten all about her and happily moved on. It was such a waste of time.

I have found that by being grateful I'm not still with my ex and going on to make a success of my life - or at least in my own eyes - I haven't wasted any more years on him. He has done very little with his life and I feel a bit of pity for him. I've had a good time since we divorced.

I have also thought that perhaps you could make a list of important things that you want to achieve, or learn for you, or do with your kids. You could put your energy and focus into that and feel really good when you tock them off!

No idea. How long have you been separated? If it's less than two years then I think you will feel quite raw. Over time more people start developing a sense of detachment, and the more you focus on your own happiness the more that will be facilitated.

Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I’m feeling more sad today than resentful, but I know that feeling will be back at some point. I’m going to try your suggestions though. I think having little goals and lists of things I want to achieve/ do will really help and I’m actually looking forward to making that list now.

@EarthSight it’s only been a few weeks so I’m probably expecting too much after such a short space of time.

@Calmate I was initially attracted by his confidence as I lacked that at the time. He made me feel safe and secure. It wasn’t long before his behaviour started to make me feel insecure though. I should have trusted my gut

Instead of resentment, view him with pity. It's tragic, sad, and pathetic that he is such a weak, self-absorbed loser who is incapable of appreciating all of the wonderful things in his life. Instead of nurturing his family, he destroyed it. He is a small, miserable person and he always will be. You will emotionally grow and prosper, he will not. He's pitiful.

You need to say to yourself I will NOT let what happened over the past ten years overshadow the rest of my life. I am going to make the very best life I can for me and my children.

I think the resentment comes from putting up with things for too long, tolerating things because the alternative is too difficult to even contemplate and then when you reach that alternative it's wishing you had done it sooner. I know because I put up with my husband for too long.
These days I don't feel that way because time has passed and my life is better. I even speak to him and am civil. I feel sorry for him as it is he who lost out ultimately, but it has taken years to get here.

Get on with your life and look forward not back. Your children still have to see their father and if you are resentful they will feel uncomfortable about mentioning him. I am sure they will know what he is like but to hear anything negative from you won't help - not that I am implying you will.
Life will be good from this moment on. Good luck

Was he keen on having children? When the first was born & he was apparently unphased then it makes sense to think he’d be the same with the second. I don’t see having kids as being “lucky”. It sounds like you do though so many try & focus on how you feel lucky to have them & the relationship may not make you feel so resentful ?

So maybe*