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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not over his ex - found messages - he's very sorry etc

25 replies

NotAgainNoMore · 19/02/2021 19:48

Name changed. Sorry for the long post!

So, last night I had to switch off DP's phone as he'd fallen asleep watching a film. Couldn't help myself - I looked at his msgs. He was acting weird/distant/unhappy earlier, so I had a hunch.
Various msgs over this last month to his ex g/f with things like:-
I go to work, come home and am on my own.
I'm not seeing her anymore.
Can we meet.
Happy Valentines Day.
Obviously a bit more detailed but that's the gist. This is not the first time it's happened. Always promises she means nothing and he'll stop.

I don't think things have got physical with them as he has a problem - functioning alcoholic.
Things haven't been great between us but I've blamed lockdown and menopause and he's been quite happy to agree but has been very patient. We don't live together and see each other every other day.
Sometimes, when we've both been drinking, things get physical but never out of hand because he's much stronger than me and usually he pushes me away and I end up with a bruised head/back etc. I know that is wrong/toxic and I've tried to end it before but he always talks me round.
He's basically followed the script and I've now blocked him. He has loads of stuff here that I'll bag and return soon, as I don't want him coming here.
Part of me feels that I'm being unfair as I'm the one who starts the fights. I know I can't work on changing while I'm still with him. Him drinking all the time has increased my own drinking and I obviously can't handle it. No he doesn't pour it down my throat, my choice entirely.
However, the lies are the final staw. I can't take him back can I. Add to all this loads of red flags that I ignored as I was in love. I just know he's going to turn nasty/threaten suicide. Do I offer low contact friendship only and let things die out in the hope he gives up/goes back to her/finds someone else? He's the sort that can't cope being alone, which has caused issues between us anyway.
I was in shock this morning, feeling sick and legs giving way. Oddly, I haven't cried.

OP posts:
litterbird · 19/02/2021 19:54

Please stay away and block, this is not the right relationship for you. If he says he is going to commit suicide you call 999 and give them his address, they will do the rest. Stay away from him at all costs.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 19/02/2021 19:54

It’s not your job to fix him,or wonder how he’ll cope if you break up. Don’t be a martyr
Frankly yes I’d call it quits and dp.split up. He doesn’t want you.You’re the not her girl you’ll do whilst he looks at his options

EachBleachBlairTrump · 19/02/2021 19:56

He's an alcoholic, he's physically abusive and he's trying to get back with his ex, why would you even be friends with him? Surely you're worth more than this

ahsan · 19/02/2021 20:04

He’s just using you till he gets what he wants her, once he’s got her he will not even think about your welfare for 5 seconds even if you threaten whatever dump him as sooner or later he will make a complete fool of you

Summerhillsquare · 19/02/2021 20:06

You can do better on your own OP, he's bringing nothing but trouble to your life.

MinnieJackson · 19/02/2021 20:11

Keep him blocked. How long have you been together? Put yourself first.

Original poster
NotAgainNoMore · 19/02/2021 20:13

He said I can delete her and block her on everything, she means nothing. I can also put a tracker on his phone and check it whenever I like. But I know that wont work for me, the trust is gone and it's not like the relationship was wonderful anyway!
I just can't believe that if he loves me as much as he says, that he would do this. I'm trying to convince myself that if I hadn't seen the msgs that he would have eventually broke up with me and blamed me - and there is plenty to blame me for I guess. I've always been honest though. That's what is killing me, the lies he has spun me and her!

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/02/2021 20:18

Why do you think you don't deserve better than this?
Not even the first time + he's an alcoholic. What exactly does this man add to your life?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 19/02/2021 20:20

He doesn’t love you. You’re the just now girl. Til he gets better offer

Original poster
NotAgainNoMore · 19/02/2021 21:09

Been together 18mths. First 12mths were mainly OK. Looking back there were red flags but we were in love so I ignored them.
I guess I was following the script too in that respect. I can see now that there must have been a whole load of 'love bombing' going on from him.
I guess I have to accept that most of what he said was a lie. I was just better than no one!

OP posts:
biggreengrinch · 19/02/2021 21:31

He HURTS YOU physically and emotionally. Why on earth do you think you're ok with that?

Please, block him everywhere and look at counselling and the freedom programme.

You are worth more than this Thanks

SEE123 · 19/02/2021 21:42

Reading your post I was really surprised that you said you have only been together a short while OP. It really shouldn't be like that, especially early on. It's only going to escalate. You've already identified that the toxicity is affecting your own issues with alcohol.
If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be messaging her. Really as simple as that, but I think you know already.
Time to cut ties and seek support for your own issues.

ClaryFairchild · 19/02/2021 21:49

Staying with him will cause you to completely self destruct. You drink more with him, you react drunkenly, you both get physical. Stay away and do some work on yourself. Don't even think about trying to maintain a friendship - he is toxic for you.

BlueThistles · 19/02/2021 21:58

Read the messages he sent her again... then read them again OP... he wrote these messages freely and emotionally .... free of restrictions of anyone seeing them...

He's only changing his narrative because

A) You now know he's lusting after someone else...

and

B) she's likely told him to get lost..

yetmorecrap · 19/02/2021 22:02

If the ex means nothing— why is he doing this and what excuses does he gave ?? Im sorry actions speak louder than words — it’s a guy who would rather have ‘someone’ In his life than no one.

Jackie2022 · 19/02/2021 22:03

Sorry but he’s abusive, yet the straw that broke the camel’s back are texts to his ex? You have your priorities all wrong. Get rid of him as safely as possible, inform your friends/family or relevant authorities for assistance if necessary and seek counselling

DianaT1969 · 19/02/2021 22:14

I was wondering the same. You have huge problems in this new relationship and a very low bar in what you expect from a partner. Yet that was all ok and you were going forward with it. However, some texts to an ex forced you to reassess. Not the violence, alcoholism, escalation of your own drinking. Text messages. I think you need to explore that.

Wanderlusto · 19/02/2021 22:14

He tells her lies about you. He tells you the same shit about her and about it being only you from now on. You cant believe a word he says because he deliberately plays you off against her.

I'd drop her a message, see if she wants to grab a cuppa and compare notes (or a walk I suppose if in lockdown). And defo let her know that you HAVE been with him the last month and just came accross his texts just now to her so have told him to sod off. 'So a heads up if he comes your way now'.

Though I could understand if you would rather not say because at least if he is bugging her he might be more inclined to give you peace.

Keep him blocked. If he finds a way to contact and threaten suicide, do not engage. Just call the police and let them know. You can say you feel it's just an abuse tactic but that you thought you better tell them anyway. They'll soon give him what for for bs.

Fuck him, seriously. You are well rid!

LemonPeonies · 19/02/2021 22:23

You're both as bad as each other. Physically violent and you look through his phone. Separate, block and get help for your drinking.

MinnieJackson · 19/02/2021 23:04

Don't apologise and say you're bad as each other, either one of you should walk away if things ever get physical. Do you think he would ask for help in the situation? Have you been with abusive partners before OP? It's so easy on MN to see it as so cut and dried, leave him that's it, done finished, bye. But your feelings are still there. I do think you should leave him, but also talk to a friend or your gp. Your not to bla!e and two wrongs never make a right x

2020iscancelled · 19/02/2021 23:09

Delete and block.

Then get some help with your drinking.

This is a toxic abusive codependent relationship. It’s not love. You’ll see that when you’ve been apart for a while and you can finally breathe freely and not worry about fighting, bruises, cheating.... that is not love.

You’re not going to get a happy ever after with this man. You know that, of course you do. So end it now and get some help to bring your life back to a healthy place

SionnachGlic · 19/02/2021 23:46

OP,
The lies are the last straw? Please re-read your post, so many things are wrong in this relationship. The drinking, the abuse, the agony & heartache. He is just bad for you, you are bad together. Block him, cut contact, do everything you need to do to stay away from him.. and as advised above, if he threatens suicide, ph emergency no. & let cops/medics deal with him. And talk to someone professionally abput why you you feel as you do & how you could let someone so clearly destructive to you into your life. It can only get better from here

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2021 00:01

This is a toxic abusive codependent relationship. It’s not love. You’ll see that when you’ve been apart for a while and you can finally breathe freely and not worry about fighting, bruises, cheating.... that is not love.

Please believe this and please get some therapy because the cheating is hurtful but his other behaviour has been dangerous. Physically and emotionally. It's worrying your boundaries are so skewed as to what is acceptable in a relationship and I urge you to seek some help in exploring that before trying to date anyone again, it will be so worth it.

Original poster
NotAgainNoMore · 20/02/2021 02:22

Thank you all for the replies and bluntness. I just wish now I had the guts to post sooner, when it all started going wrong. I felt ashamed of my own behaviour which is maybe why I 'forgave' his.
Yes I know I need to work on myself. I just don't know where to start, apart from the drinking, which is going to be fairly easy without him around drinking from dusk to dawn.
I'll keep reading your posts and his msgs to her(took photos of most of them) - to keep my resolve strong.
I just feel so utterly used and broken.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 02:34

take heart OP 🌺

you couldn't carry on letting him treat you like this... and you're so much better off without him 💕

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