Special age birthday gift for Mum when not on the best terms!

[LadyLouOf2]

I used to have a very close relationship with my Mum. A lot has happened in the past year where the relationship has entirely broken down. I'm very sad about it; I've tried to resolve the matter yet she had become very stony-faced. Whenever we have seen them (Covid rules permitting) IF they accept the invitation (they sometimes ignore or outright refuse, including for lunch on Christmas Day) she is very frosty, cannot make eye contact and essentially spends the whole time by extracting herself to play with the kids.

I don't want this thread to get into a "you should spend your time sorting out the issue instead" type chat. There is a lot to it but I have given the synopsis above to put the question into context. Also Covid police please take note that if/when I've seen them it has always been in line with Covid rules.

For her last big birthday (pre me having kids) I took her away for a long weekend just us two. I also arranged a big surprise day out with all of her friends. I now have kids so (a) that isn't practicable (b) neither of us would want to have a forced weekend away anyway (c) Covid.

She does however absolutely dote on my kids, her favourite day of the week (again Covid permitting) is the day my kids are with them (clearly I won't deprive them of that, despite the relationship breakdown). Pre Covid and pre this whole saga, we'd talked about hiring a villa in the States for her birthday and to have a big Disneyland type holiday together (with my sibling's family and their kids too). Clearly that isn't now going to happen.

Despite everything, I still feel a sense of pressure about her birthday gift. Usually I go all out and I'm always overly generous (every Christmas I'll at least spend £500 on her). I'm still willing to spend the money this time but doing something sentimental just feels forced.

I'd thought about asking my Granny to send over photos of Mum from when she was a baby onwards and to put together a little album, but my heart just isn't in it and again it doesn't feel right.

She's into her fitness (but already has a Fitbit, Garmin, home gym equipment etc). Also has a decent phone and laptop. They have a beautiful home and whilst she cooks etc she's not overly into cooking equipment (so a magimix type thing wouldn't be her bag). They love their holidays (I'd considered a Mr and Mrs Smith hotel voucher for her and dad) but she bought me one of those for my birthday last year and again Covid. I thought of maybe a portrait of the grandkids but I'm not sure how excited she'd be about that kinda thing.

Any advice as to what I can get for her 60th would be really appreciated.

Flower subscription? A years worth of lovely flowers?

You can go two ways here Op as I see it regarding gifts.Option 1 would be something very personal and sentimental trying to somehow build bridges or option 2 something generic yet nice but impersonal,it totally depends on how you feel and how you see the relationship progressing.Option 2 would be something like a lovely handbag or a gift hamper from somewhere like fortnum and mason maybe?Option 1 is more difficult and only you would know..How about checking out not on the high street or i want one of those,com for ideas of interesting yet generic gifts or etsy even?I feel for you you seem to be stuck between a rock and hard place...

You could get a digital photo frame and upload it with pics of the kids?

Honestly it doesn't sound like she deserves a special gift if she's not willing to make the effort to mend your relationship. Just send her flowers.

Can you just delete your whole op and say exactly what is going on maybe?

WTF ? She refuses to look at you ? What on earth has happened ?

What do parents do for your birthday?

You don’t say who was at fault for the argument, if she was at fault, I wouldn’t be rewarding her with a £500 present. Flowers, choc, perfume.

She doesn’t get to be ‘spoiled’ if she won’t even look at you.

I would do a separate gift from the children and then a token gift from me. I have a sometimes difficult relationship with my mother and she doesn't like to be confronted on her bad behaviour. In her opinion she is never wrong.

Not quite the same but my friend is at odds with her children. They are not forgiving her and now send token presents and don't want to see her much. She is eager to restore their past, closer relationships but refuses to be honest about what she did wrong. She keeps spending huge amounts on her children but it isn't appropriate when the relationship is so damaged. She cannot buy their forgiveness.

John Lewis or Lakeland gift vouchers, presumably it can all be done on line ?

If you go onto the relationships board, find the Stately Homes thread and come join us.

We have difficult relationships with our parents so you'll get a lot of constructive advice from those in similar positions.

I'm sorry you are suffering and that the breakdown cannot be easily fixed.

I echo a PP, what do your parents buy you for your birthdays? X

Sorry op but I was kind of struck by your line about being very close to your mum to now she can't even look at you.

What on earth has happened?!

It does make me wonder if you've been toeing the line all this time but maybe in the last year you pushed back on something against your mother's wishes which had led to this? Apologies if not but it does sound similar to a lot of situations I've read on here. In which case the PPs idea of the stately homes thread is a good idea.

I know you don't want to go into it. But it's worth looking into when you're ready.

But personally in terms of a present for someone who ignores you, makes no effort to fix the relationship and can't look you in the eye? I think a token gift. I don't reward shocking behaviour like that from children let alone adults.

I also think this is a continuation of her punishment towards you. You have to beg to be forgiven/fix the relationship.

Sorry. It's genuinely heartbreaking to see parents behave like this.