How do you share out household chores?

[Pintsizedblondie197]

Just that really. How do you share out the things you do around the home? Is it even or do you find that you tend to do more?

We got a cleaner a few years ago as my OH isn't very good at being proactive with housework and I didn't want to spend my free time cleaning as we both have busy jobs and mine requires some work on evenings and weekends. Our cleaner comes once a fortnight for 3 hours so it's just a case of keeping on top of it between visits.

I have been working from home the last few weeks and have noticed more and more how I seem to do the majority of tasks. I am a pretty proactive person so will do tasks when I see them, my OH not so much. For example emptying the dishwasher or taking the recycling out. It isn't with all tasks - when I cook, he will wash up, takes the bin out sometimes etc but I just seem to do the majority of the other chores.

We had a bit of a heated discussion last night about it where he suggested we rota it up, but I was reticent to do that as it just has a housemate vibe to me. So just wondered how other people tackle this bugbear?!

We've always down things in a kind of who ever is around more type way, DH isn't working atm because of Covid so he does pretty much everything during the week as I'm at work, at the weekend we don't split things in an official way, it's always been the way where if he starts cooking I'll just automatically do something else vice versa. Housework has never been an issue for us really, not something we've ever had to talk about (except for when we're trying to get the kids to do stuff)

done things*

Household chores trigger the misogyny in even the most modern and equitable men. The excuse here is that he ‘just doesn’t see it’. But the vibe of not really noticing what needs doing unless it’s an established chore or he’s been asked to do it is disingenuous. It relies on there being a safety net, backstop, that always DOES see it and do the tidying/chore/diy. So he needs to recognise this and take steps to improve ... unless there is some reason why he thinks you should do it instead of him?

His suggestion to do a rota is excellent... he can’t just “not notice” things if the rota tells him they need doing.
I would give it a try and see how it goes.

Every week I put a list of those tasks (dishwasher , rubbish bins, wiping surfaces, changing towels, garden watering etc etc) on the fridge with a column for each day. Hus, me, and kids all have to do 2 or 3 every day and tick them off so everyone knows they've been done.
Kids are bad at it mostly but it works for him and me. We fight a lot less and I don't have to ask. Doesn't feel like housemates , more like we can get on with being happily married instead of talking about housework!

Just go with the rota. Chances are there are other tasks that you're not seeing and DH does, so it's helpful to write down what needs doing and who does it. Family routines have a habit of just becoming stuck in a rut - so the things you're doing because you think you see them first, might actually be "your jobs" in DH's head because you always do them. Just like it sounds like you're in a habit that DH cooks when you wash up.

DH is as capable as seeing what day-to-day stuff needs doing as I am, and gets on with it in the same way I do - dishwasher, washing up, sweeping, tidying etc. We both cook, depending on who finishes work first. Other jobs belong to one or other of us - for example, I do 99% of the laundry because it is better if one person knows what load needs doing next etc.

Overall I think there are two key aspects to getting the division of labour right:

1. equal leisure time - no one should be habitually sitting watching TV when the other one is doing housework

2. equal responsibility - it is not one person's job to consistently have to 'manage' the other one and tell them what needs doing.

@cheeseismydownfall

DH is as capable as seeing what day-to-day stuff needs doing as I am, and gets on with it in the same way I do - dishwasher, washing up, sweeping, tidying etc. We both cook, depending on who finishes work first. Other jobs belong to one or other of us - for example, I do 99% of the laundry because it is better if one person knows what load needs doing next etc.

Overall I think there are two key aspects to getting the division of labour right:

1. equal leisure time - no one should be habitually sitting watching TV when the other one is doing housework

2. equal responsibility - it is not one person's job to consistently have to 'manage' the other one and tell them what needs doing.

Yeah exactly, I'm not disputing, from what I hear or have read on hear and even in a past relationship of mine that a lot (maybe most) men aren't like this but , definitely me and my DH are very naturally equal in the way we do house stuff. If one of us starts doing something the other kind of thinks, oh I better do a bit as well type thing. He see's stuff that needs doing as much as (probably more than) me

I think a rota is a good idea. The "housemates" thing doesn't really matter IMO if it works. As long as you're not like housemates in other areas of your marriage (i.e. emotionally, physically etc).

@Muskox no we are not. I think that might be the best way to go forward so it's shared out more equally.

When I first moved in with DP this was kind of an issue for us - the problem being that my level of tolerance for chores was lower than his, so I felt it was time to hoover/wash the dishes/empty the washing basket before he did. This meant that I was doing much more than him.

After talking to him about it, he said honestly, just to tell him when I wanted him to do something. He said he would never moan about it, and he wanted the house to look good, but that it genuinely didn't cross his mind to do things until after it would cross mine.

Since then I do just say can you take the bins out while I wash up, or can you hoover upstairs while I do the ironing etc. And it's all good!

I know some people don't like having to tell their DPs what to do and when, but mine has asked me to do it, and it doesn't cause the slightest issue now. He also doesn't mind what he's asked to do.

@LindaEllen the part you mention about tolerance came up for us too. I am much more of a clean, neat freak (think Monica from Friends almost!) and he isn't. So if I thought something was dirty or untidy, he might not necessarily think so at that level. He did say about asking him to do stuff so that could be another option as well as the rota.

He does more daily chores like food shopping, cooking, dishwasher, laundry, etc. I do more tidying and cleaning. It works out about even.

Oh, cross posts with you OP. Sounds like the way we do it would work for you too. Get him to do the cooking and keeping the kitchen tidy.

We just do it based on whoever is around and doesnt have a kid in their hand. If I see something needs doing, I will do it. Same for DH. I tend to cook more because I am home (on mat leave), and I do the clothes washing during the week. DH will walk the dog or put the bins out in the morning before work while i deal with the baby and toddler. DH will cook or clean (hoover, wipe the bathroom down, change the bin) when he is home during the weekends. We are adults. We just do what needs to be done.

Get a white board, list the basic things that need doing every day, put names in columns below for each day based on who is home at what time. Hang the white board beside the kitchen door, or beside the fridge. Somewhere he will see it regularly. Give him a sticker when he does it well 😆

Give him a sticker when he does it well

@TwirpingBird

Get a white board, list the basic things that need doing every day, put names in columns below for each day based on who is home at what time. Hang the white board beside the kitchen door, or beside the fridge. Somewhere he will see it regularly. Give him a sticker when he does it well 😆

Haha good idea!! Everyone loves incentives

Rota versus no rota and just noticing things...

Different people work in different ways, some are more list driven, some are more visual. Come up with a system that works for both of you, not just one of you.

Generally we have fallen in to a pattern of he is responsible for the kitchen (so does all dishes, floors, surfaces, keeping it generally tidy) and outside (bins, lawns, shed, dog poo, bringing in washing, gardening etc) and I keep on top of bathrooms, living room and bedrooms. But we both will just do it if it needs done- ill do the dishes if he is busy and he will clean the kids rooms if I haven't got to it. I think we have similar ideas of cleanliness /tidyness so it works OK.

@SeaToSki I am definitely more of a visual person and he works better with given tasks so I think some compromise is definitely needed.