How much emotional support do you expect from a partner?

[HomicidalPsychoJungleCat]

Im going through a hard time. Ive been in a new relationship for about a year after a long previous relationship failed. My current living arrangement is complicated as due to covid and circumstances I live with my ex, this makes life hard and can be an emotional roller coster as the ex is seeing someone new too.
My new partner isnt a huge talker, I am. I am possibly at times a little emotionally overblown and impulsive (things are often either great or terrible in my head) I understand this is difficult for others but i feel its a side effect of my current situation.
Am I unreasonable to want new dp to talk things through with me when I’m finding home life a struggle or should I accept that its just something he cant or wont do?

He can still listen. Even if he’s not a talker himself.
But don’t expect him to offer advice or solutions as it sounds like he isnt that kind of person .
That’s what your girl mates are for .

I wouldn't be keen on a partner that I couldn't talk to about emotions, or who was unable to give me a hug if I was feeling down.
But I also wouldn't want a partner who was still living with their ex and frequently told me about the drama that involved.

Are you mainly complaining about your ex to your new DP?

Don't be with him on the basis of you hoping that he will change. If he's not good at emotionally supporting you he's likely to never be good at it.

But you may be able to change yourself...only if you want to though.

If you want to constantly talk about your current living situation (i.e. the difficulties that arise with you ex) then I don’t think you should rely on your DP for support.

1. Because it’s negatively impacts a relationship to be constantly talking abut exes.
2. Because this is your situation for the foreseeable future , so to moan about it might become exhausting to listen to (as there’s no means to an end iykwim.

I don't think your new partner should be listening to your ex stuff. If it is really is effecting you, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship until that is sorted.
I wouldn't want to listen to a man and his ex.

Thanks for the replies. I make a point of not talking about the situation at all with him, but there are times when it all gets too much and i just need to have someone there.

I was married to ex for a long time, we have kids. Its been a struggle with lockdown and having to stay in the same house. Ive taken on board your views, its good to have different perspectives. If the roles were reversed I’d want to listen and offer comfort, but i can understand that not everyone is comfortable doing that.

Silence...you make a very valid point. This relationship is part of what keeps me sane right now, i genuinely care for my new partner and wish for a future with him...but perhaps the grown up thing to do would be to take a step back for a while.

Maybe take a step back for your own sanity.
Or date rather than a relationship.
It sounds like a difficult time splitting & living with ex. Talk to your friends instead maybe.
Most women would be told if that was man with an ex wife to take a step back as he's not ready.

Yes you’re right...I would possibly advise the same. Unfortunately I lost pretty much all of my close friends over the split...or though covid distance. Theres no one I can talk to really. Im in therapy...it helps, but Ive certainly got validation issues to resolve.

They weren't your friends if you lost them in split/ covid

Are you moaning to your bf about ex or upset he's seeing someone else type thing??
If he's not giving you what you need then he isn't the right man for you
Keep going with the therapy

If the situation is long term and ongoing, perhaps he feels like he’s already offered comfort and platitudes and isn’t sure what else you want from him? What else can he say during regular “talks” about it, when the only thing that’s going to solve the problem is the situation changing, and you already know that? What more is there even to talk about, when everyone involved knows it’s a less than idea situation which just has to be gotten through as best you all can. I think the therapy is a good outlet for this sort of thing, and better than complaining about your unhappiness with your ex to a new boyfriend.

More broadly, if you are a “talker” and by your own admission, can tend to be quite dramatic about things, and your boyfriend is not then you have to have a think about longer term compatibility and what you need from a relationship. Do you think it’s possible that, once you’ve worked through a lot of stuff in therapy and are away from your ex-husband, you won’t be so prone to outbursts and won’t need to be constantly talking everything through and analysing your life, and could live quite happily?

It is such a big ask for a new boyfriend - for him to support you with what is essentially your relationship with your husband, even if you are not really a couple any more - during what would normally be the fun honeymoon period after you first met. Sometimes people do happen to have a crisis shortly after they first get together, and a new partner is forced to offer some serious support - but this is something you knowingly brought into the new relationship, from the beginning.

When I was in the situation you describe - still living with stbex - therapy, medication and a few friends were all I had, and I definitely wasn't ready for a bf. It is a horrible time, and it's presumably dragged out for you. How long is it likely to be before you can get your own places?

You’re putting an awful lot of pressure on him if you’re saying he’s the one person keeping you sane and he’s your soul emotional support/outlet bar your paid therapist. You haven’t been together very long, you’re living with your husband in the marital home, he’s taking a hell of a leap as it is without laying all of your emotional needs.

The two of you don’t have any experience of real life together so it’s too soon to be planning any sort of future.

Why did you lose all of your friends because of splitting up with your husband? Was this new man part of why you broke up?

@Silenceisgolden20

I don't think your new partner should be listening to your ex stuff. If it is really is effecting you, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship until that is sorted. I wouldn't want to listen to a man and his ex.

This.

Also if someone's an introvert, it can be mentally exhausting being with someone who struggles with emotional regulation. It's tiring and annoying because it comes across as self centred when that person refuses to deal with their own emotions and wants to dump it on others instead, (who are dealing with their own emotions but are just less vocal about it).

I wonder if he's experiencing what I have: if you're not a big talker, some people just take advantage of me being a good listener and want to treat me as their emotional dumpster. That's what your therapist is for so continue using them as an outlet (don't feel you should bottle it in).

Are you also just as concerned about listening to HIS problems @HomicidalPsychoJungleCat or is it mainly about you offloading onto him?
To be honest, you also sound like somebody too tied to your ex husband. Taking a break from dating may be good for everyone involved.

OP - if this relationship is keeping you sane and providing you with some escape in this difficult time - it’s silly to step back.
Just don’t expect him to be your shoulder to cry on. Don’t burden the relationship with the past (your Ex). Focus on the future.

(After all - if you, as you said, were to step back - you’d be dealing with it on your own anyway. So you must be able to do that - and not involve him too much.
Do you have any female friends? I find friends’ support in these sort of times is best.)

I've put a ban on my DP talking to me about his ex. I don't hear from mine so he never has to hear my ex woes so I think its only fair. Its hard hearing about an ex from the other side of the fence. To be honest too much ex talking starts to sound like you're still in love with them. Just saying. Post on Mumsnet or get through it whatever way you can but I'm with your DP on this one.

@Sugar 🙌🙌🙌

Thanks to everyone who has replied, I'm taking whats been said on board and its given me a lot to think about. Its really valuable to hear these perspectives.
Tbh I generally don’t talk about my ex to DP, maybe 4 times in the year we’ve been together. Thats really the reason for asking about it on here. Its clear I need to consider my own mental health and work on showing up for myself rather than expecting someone else to be there for me.

I would never get into a relationship with someone living with their ex and tbh I wouldn’t have a relationship while I was still living with my ex.

Was this man the OM and now you’re expecting him to listen to you getting upset about your ex?

And you say that it’s difficult because he’s seeing someone as well? So? Why should you be entitled to be in a relationship with someone but your ex shouldn’t?

TBH it sounds as if you’re not over your ex and you’re expecting your DP to listen to that. If you’d posted here saying your DP was living with his ex, wasn’t happy that she was seeing someone else, and that he expected you to be understanding you would be told to get rid of him.

Ap thats mot the case at all and im not sure why your wildly assuming he was the OM? Its difficult because even though my relationship with my ex wasnt right it still hurts to walk away from a long term relationship where you have kids together and to see them moving on. There are other circumstances to that situation but i have no desire to make myself identifiable on here.

And of COURSE. Ex is entitled to another relationship, I really want him to be happy, we werent happy together and its good to see him with a smile on his face, hut i’m allowed mourn the fact that we couldn't fulfil that happiness gap for one another, surely?

Yes of course you can mourn, that's part of healing. But begin to heal before you put that process onto someone else. Unless your DP doesn't mind