Left today - feel so unwell

[TVaddict1982]

Hi all

Please let me know if this is in the wrong place - I don’t always know my way round Mumsnet that well.

Left my partner of 11 years today and have our two children with me. When I left this morning I told myself this would be a break and time to think, but as soon as we were out the door, the hardest part, I realised instantly that I can’t ever go back.

I feel so anxious and panic stricken about what comes next. Everything feels overwhelming right now. Guess I just need to know other people’s experiences and how you’re getting on months/years in.

Feel a bit lonely too if I’m honest 😭😭

Hi OP. Well done for taking that step and leaving, that's very brave - it's not easy at all!

I don't have much to say that will help I don't think, but please talk to me and all the other ladies to help you through xx

Sorry to hear you are struggling op.

Perhaps posting in Relationships for advice is better.

Oh dear.
I dont know what to say, coz I went through the same 5 years ago. I left home with 1 kid because of DV, 16 years of marriage.

It was the hardest decision of my life.
In life you have to look at your priorities.
Some women with live with an abusive partner all their life, just because he pays the bills and life financially is easier.

Others wont care about finances as long as they have peace of mind, and no abuse.

Please assess your situation. If you have taken such a big step. Then try not to look back. If you are capable, make a new life for yourself and your children.

I wish you best of luck for the future. Sending you prayers so that you feel strong at this difficult time in your life.

I pray for your happiness in your life ahead.

Thank you for all your kind words. First night has been tough. I’ll move to relationships as it was quite abusive and that is probably more relevant. Thank you @Eskaybi for your kind words and prayers

Good morning.

If you have left home.
The 1st thing you need to look for is to secure your finances.

1. If u had joint accounts, you will need to seperate them.

1. If u had to leave your city, and leave your job.

Straightaway please fill in the form on government website for universal credit, it takes 4 to 6 weeks to establish but UC can give you loan upto 900 pounds which you can pay off little by little every month from the UC money, once it starts.

You have 2 kids , and because they are with you, you should instruct the child credit or child benefit to go to your account.

This will give you peace of mind, and you will feel secure financially till u are in a new job and a bit more settled.

This will give you more time to think, about your relationship and how to make it better , or leave it at that and move on.

Sending prayers.

🤲🙏

Oh you’ve been very helpful. Things I hadn’t even thought about. I definitely won’t be going back, it’s taken me this long to get this far xxxx thank you

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic for the OP. And sending good wishes.

Try to remember the fear is usually worse than the event itself. You will get through this. It's daunting now but it won't always feel like this x

Hi, I am six weeks out. Took my DC and left H of 14 years on NYE due to DV. It has been rough. It feels like quitting a drug or quitting a cult, if I am feeling overwhelmed I call a friend and they tell me that I made the right decision and they are proud of me. That really helped, especially during the first couple weeks.
When I felt myself thinking of him I would sit down and right exactly why I left. What behaviours he was doing that were inexcusable. I would write precisely what made him a bad husband and father, because those were the things I needed to focus on. It didn't matter if I wrote the same thing every day, or even three times a day, I had to make sure I didn't get swamped with nostalgia for the person he is capable of being but no longer was.

I also wrote this and refer to it whenever I am feeling sorry for him or sad about the future we no longer have:

H chose to be verbally abusive.
H chose to physically threaten and intimidate us.
H was clearly told that the way he was acting was intolerable.
H was clearly told that if he engaged in physically abusive behavior I would take DC and leave.

H chose his actions, for a long time he got to act however he wanted and say whatever he wanted with no consequences.
There are now consequences for his actions and behavior.

These consequences are his responsibility.
Completely.

I also highly recommend reading "No Visible Bruises" it is a book that really lays out how women get into and stay in abusive relationships. I recognized myself in the pages and it helped me start to forgive myself for staying so long and feel less ashamed of what I endured.

How are you doing OP?

Thanks for thinking of me. I don’t feel great to be honest but I haven’t gone back. Being love bombed constantly 🙄

It’s great that you’re posting here.

In addition, do you have any support in real life? It’s hard to stand firm when you’re being love-bombed, especially since he will have trained you to put his needs first, but you’re doing absolutely the right thing. He didn’t care enough to treat you well when you were together. Any love-bombing will be temporary and he will make sure you have hell to pay if you return. Decent partners don’t cause their partners to flee in the first place.

Hey you did the right thing and things will get easier.

It is good you have recognised he is love bombing. Learn the grey rock technique and don't give in. If you do give in, the likely scenario is you will go back and he will probably only manage to be 'good' for a limited amount of time until he falls back to his default setting.

If he is insistent you go back and you do want to go back, tell him you will after he has arranged (and paid for) relationship counselling. Do NOT go back until relationship counselling is completed.

OR..

Get onto the Freedom Programme.

Get some support from friends and family.

Keep posting here.

I am 4 years on after walking out with my DC and the clothes on our backs. I now live in a peaceful house, finances are tight, but in contrast I am living a more contented life with happier DC.

It is extremely hard and stressful, i remember the feeling well.

2 years on for me and its the best thing ive ever done. I hope things start to feel better for you soon x

Well done. You have done the hard part. Now just take each day at a time. Where are you now? Is there anyone you can speak to in real life?