Partner having cold feet after a bereavement..

[SphJane]

Hi all,

I’m looking for a bit of advice.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and have a great relationship. We have spoken of marriage and it seemed like a proposal was imminent.

Sadly my FIL passed away suddenly last year and this hit my partner and the family hard. Any plans to get engaged and start the next chapter of our lives quickly came to a halt, which I absolutely understand. It wouldn’t have felt right to get engaged and celebrate after losing such an important and special person in both our lives.

Now that a year has passed, things seemed to be getting somewhere, to the point that only a couple of weeks ago my partner was discussing ring styles and venue ideas. Fast forward to last night when after an emotional anniversary, my partner told me that since losing his DF, he can’t picture himself getting married any time soon. He said he hates the idea of being the centre of attention and celebrating when he’d be guilt ridden the whole time.

None of my friends have been in this situation and I don’t know what to do. Getting married isn’t the be all and end all, my parents never married and my DF passed away when I was young. I was never interested in marriage until I met my partner. He was always the one to say he wants marriage and then a family.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Do you live together? Is it possible that he dangled the "marriage" carrot to get you to live together without any commitment and is now using the loss of a loved one a year ago as a new reason not to commit?

Has this got anything to do with him owning the house in his name only?

Get out of there. His loss is very sad, but if anything, you would think it would spur him on to marry you if you were the love of his life, since he knows life is short. He wants the back door available so he can bail if things get tough, hence the unwillingness to propose. 4 years is way more than enough time for him to know you and he's still does not want to commit. Stop letting him have his cake and eat it. Also, if you have kids unmarried, bear in mind you'll be in a vulnerable situation and there are other consequences too even if you didn't break up.

Hi Stephen,

Yes we live together and the property is owned by both of us.

Oh for gods sake, does everything have to be so suspicious.

Op I’m sorry about your Dps dad and I’m sure it’s been tough for both of you. Grief is not linear and you said him passing away was sudden can change a person. I lost my son last year and I have changed very very much. What was important to your partner before his dad passed may not be important to him now- And the guilt thing makes sense- him not being able to visualise getting engaged or married at the moment stems from that tragedy, as he has said so. I wonder if it’s a guilt of being happy/enjoying the day without one of the most important people for him there.

I don’t think there’s a particularly right way to deal with this way but the options seem to be: are willing to wait a bit to see how he feels about it all in a year or two? Giving him space

If you can’t wait, have a chat and ask him to let you know within a specific timeline.

It might be worth him seeing a grief Counsellour, whatever you decide I wish you well

If this is a deal breaker and you want to get married then it's selfish of him to want you to stay with him regardless. I know this situation and it's ok to want what you want. Be straight with him and tell him what is important to you.

Id back of from him & his grief and suggest that your relationship takes a back seat and he has time to sort himself out. Let him have the time and space to be able to sort out what he wants

Then do exactly that and see how you also feel, what you think you want moving forward.

Whilst losing a parent is sad and he does need time to grieve, you want to move forward and I wander if this life event has made him re evaluate his situation....

Hi Suagar,

If I were reading this post, I’d have commented the exact same as you.

It’s a difficult situation. As I said on my OP, marriage for me was never the be all and end all but when it had gotten to a point where I was contacting venues for quotes and now to this, I feel completely deflated and feel as though my feelings aren’t being considered when I have been nothing but a support to my partner during a difficult year.

Also wanted to add, grief is a funny thing. I never knew or could comprehend how much it could effect a person until I lost my son after birth. It’s one of those horrible things you have to go through- really go through to understand and even then you may not understand bcos people react differently to it.

I get the part about him not wanting to be at the wedding without his dad. My brother in law was due to get married 3 months after I gave birth and we were excited thinking we would have our baby there. Unfortunately we lost our son and then the thought of going to the wedding made me sick. I couldn’t see myself there without my baby who I had visualised being there all the time. Everyone was very understanding and my husband said he would still go but didn’t expect me to. In the end I didn’t have to decide bcos of covid but I can to a certain extent understand how he might see it right now.

Time does help and he may change his mind in time but I appreciate this may not be what you want.

@Greenbks I am so terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your son. Losing a parent is incredibly difficult let alone a child, I can’t imagine your pain. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Thank you everyone else for taking the time also.

I really do not believe there is an ulterior motive to my partners decision. I have never known someone to be so close to a parent and the loss has deeply affected him. I have encouraged him to speak with a councillor or doctor many times and I’ve let him know I’d be more than happy to attend with him if he needed some additional support or a hand to hold. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads, I’m in my late 20s and I’m ready to commit and marry my partner. We have the finances in place to do so and I see no reason to delay any longer. Maybe I’m being the selfish one ...

Maybe cut him a bit of slack and not presume the worst. Losing a parent is just unbelievably horrific.

Slightly different situation as I'm engaged. Our wedding got postponed last year due to covid. My mam passed away suddenly last year after this. I do. not want to go ahead with the date we had postponed to in a few months so we aren't going ahead . We are trying to sort out what to do. My head is a complete mess from losing my mam - I'm finding it impossible to try reschedule as when I think of the wedding I feel nothing really only pressure. Pressure to be working towards a date I should be happy on and I don't know of I'd be ready to be. If we didn't have it all planned and partly paid for I really would find it impossible to be planning a wedding in the grief of parent loss. But because its been planned with alot of money with suppliers I've to keep the faith that how I feel now will lift. But for me it may not be until 2023 that I've to leap of faith into doing it. I just can't in my head imagine doing it while navigating this. A wedding/getting married is essential a happy occasion and personally I feel numb about it when I try to plan it.
Grief can be ups and downs. 1 step forward 2 back. And sometimes year 2 is harder for people as shock is gone and you miss them more and more.
Just a female perspective on how grief completly blew apart my feeling on us getting married. But I'm trying to not take how I feel now as a testimant as I knew before this bomb went off in my life I had wanted it. My head is all jumbled up.

Would he be ok with a registry office wedding, no fuss just you and a witness?

@FossilisedFanny

Would he be ok with a registry office wedding, no fuss just you and a witness?

This is what I was going to suggest. If he doesn't want to be the centre of attention just get married in a registry office and be done with it?

hi, i was in a similar position to you many years back OP. Was with my partner (now husband) for 4/5 years when his Grandmother passed away. He wasn't particularly close to her but it really affected him and he withdrew from our relationship. I recall him telling me that he was not sure about our relationship anymore, that he was unsettled and not able to commit. We were not engaged at the time but had bought our first house together.so It was a shock and a scary time as he had always been so committed, wanting to marry soon into the relationship. Wanting a family etc.. Looking back, I took the news very calmly and gave him space whilst still being a supportive friend. After a few weeks his feelings started to change a little and things grew more positive after that little by little. I think the key thing for us was for me not to panic, to keep the lines of communication open but to give him plenty of space. mentally I did put a stake in the ground that if he was still having those thoughts at x months later I would then also make a decision about the relationship. As it happened I did not need to do that and we've been married for 11 years. My advice to you would be to give him some space on this, keep being patient and loving but put your own stake in the ground as to when you will review your situation so that you retain some control over the relationship. He sounds as though his father's death has rocked him to the core. that is going to affect everything in his life but it does not necessarily spell the end of your relationship. Just a pause on its progress whilst he processes his grief.

I was going to say the same as @Woollysocksneeded
He seems to have said he doesn't want to be centre of attention not that he doesn't want to get married. Would a small ceremony be an idea?

I can understand him not wanting to be centre of attention and throw a big party in this situation.

Would a small quiet wedding be acceptable to either/both of you?