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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP works away too much. Should I end it?

23 replies

circusmonkeys · 18/02/2021 16:53

My DP has a security role that takes him away for 6 months+ at a time.
We've been dating 2 years, and when we met he was just leaving the Army. I thought that would mean we would actually have time together. Bu he started this new job abroad last September and I haven't seen him since.

He's in contact every day, says he misses me so much, can't wait to be home etc etc. But I'm not sure this is enough for me.

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 18/02/2021 17:12

i'm not someone that has to be around my partner all the time so if i was truly in love with someone with a work life like this, i'd be ok with it.

i have a friend whose dh is in the army is gone a lot, sometimes from 6 to 18 months at a time. they have been married almost 30 years and are still very happy and crazy in love. but she knew what she was getting into when she married him and has learned to adapt.

however you aren't ok with it being separated so much so this set up might not work for you. over time you may become resentful and unhappy especially once you have children.

Original poster

circusmonkeys · 18/02/2021 17:19

We won't be having children, so that's one less thing to worry about. But it does mean I get lonely.
It's strange, because I really do appreciate my own space but being apart this long has really taken it's toll.

OP posts:

seensome · 18/02/2021 17:51

That kind of lifestyle isn't for everyone, just because some people live their life that way doesn't mean it's ok for you. 6 months is a long time without the person your in a relationship with, the contact is there but no physical closeness, they are not there when you need them emotionally or physically.

You don't have any ties to him with marriage and children to stay but maybe it's worth talking to him, that it's not working for you, I wonder if he realises how seriously it's not for you, he might relocate back home? If he doesn't want to then he can't really expect you to wait around for him.

Original poster

circusmonkeys · 18/02/2021 18:59

Unfortunately he can't relocate as he is on ships.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 18/02/2021 19:04

Yes I would end it. You’re clearly not happy and you deserve to be happy

Calmingvibrations · 18/02/2021 19:06

Do you think the time without him, when he is away, will be easier once we aren’t in lockdown?
Just a thought, as you will have more options and opportunity to spend time without him doing things you enjoy. Friends, hobbies etc.
Assuming you are in a country with lockdown that is!

johnd2 · 18/02/2021 19:07

Of course he can, he can relocate by finding a job that isn't on ships! The pay might be less but it is a choice he can make.

Original poster

circusmonkeys · 18/02/2021 19:56

I'm worried i'm not worth him making that choice, TBH. I wouldn't change my career because a man wanted to see me more.

And yes, i'm sure lockdown has something to do with it. I'm bored and wish he was here to entertain me!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2021 19:58

If it's not enough, it's not enough. Love doesn't magically make every relationship work, and this one isn't working for you. End it.

superram · 18/02/2021 20:01

As a pp said I’m not sure lockdown is the right time to make this decision-it’s not like you can meet anyone else! I’d give it 6 months after lock down but I’d also discuss with him the length of trips and how often-then decide.

GentlemanJay · 18/02/2021 20:03

I couldn't live my life like that. There are plenty of people who can.

biibbiibobby · 18/02/2021 20:06

If he is away since September then is he not due home soon?? Does he get 6 months off after 6 months working??Why can't he move? Are the ships "moving" as such? Or are they in a dock yard?

bombastical · 18/02/2021 20:14

This relationship would suit me but I guess it’s not for everyone

Honeyroar · 18/02/2021 20:16

My friend’s husband does this. He makes good money and they plan to retire early. But I wouldn’t want their life personally.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/02/2021 20:17

If there was no lockdown would you get to fly out to meet him in various exotic places where his ship docks? That might offer more. Otherwise it's not a great life for any length of time. Doing it for a while is fine but there needs to be lots of time ye are together between stints at sea.

seepingweeping · 18/02/2021 21:14

My husband works away for a month at a time so can sort of relate to how you're feeling. I don't know if I could be in a relationship where he's away 6 months of the year continuously.

I find it difficult at times with the kids when he's away but the time he gets at home makes it worth it for all of us. Does he get a long home time?

Original poster

circusmonkeys · 18/02/2021 21:41

@biibbiibobby

If he is away since September then is he not due home soon?? Does he get 6 months off after 6 months working??Why can't he move? Are the ships "moving" as such? Or are they in a dock yard?

He is back in April. Not 6 months off, but i'm not sure when next contract starts. He is on and off different ships all the time, escorting cargo ships to ports around the Red & Arabian seas. Not exactly holiday destinations, and he's not in port more than 24 hrs.

I'm so proud of him for working hard to survive leaving the army and qualifying for this job, and he enjoys it. I don't think he realises the effect this is having on me though.

OP posts:

lothermand · 18/02/2021 21:49

Hi OP. I was with an officer in the army, 3 years. We met in our forties, both had DC. He'd been in since he was 16, and had no intention of leaving till retirement age. He was away a fair bit, but we never lived together either, he lived in quarters in the UK, so miles from me.

I couldn't do it, he had no empathy for how I felt when he was away, how hard it was, because he was so used to it.

I ended it, he didn't pursue me, the job was worth more than me. I was devastated, but at least I knew where I stood. As much as I loved him, I made the right decision for me.

Original poster

circusmonkeys · 18/02/2021 22:03

Thanks for sharing that lothermand

OP posts:

Crewtshirt · 18/02/2021 22:06

My DP resigned and moved countries (with no job) to marry me. We had enough savings put by and his job was transferable enough - it was make or break time.

SleepyBunk · 18/02/2021 22:22

I've been kind of dating two guys in similar professions for the last year or so
(that makes me sound like the ultimate female playgirl but if you count the time away not so much).

Good guys overall and I'm sure they'll end up happily partnered up (whilst I'm stuck rambling on at strangers on Mumsnet)

From my experience and the snapshot I had of their lives, it would suit some partners and doesn't for others? There's no right or wrong answer.

I do/did feel it's definitely a strong personal choice/preference on their part - we're not in a war, they haven't been conscripted or forced to do it. They like the lifestyle and the status and the pay?

I mean one of them is on six figures the other has a cool job title and has done all the "ski-ing and the diving and the boys bonding trips". So I don't really take the "I'm so sad crocodile tears" thing too seriously.

So if you're going to be feeling that the guys are getting on with their "interesting dream life" whilst you're "keeping it together financially and practically" then maybe it's not a good idea to continue.

If there are clear benefits for the future (i.e. you're a 100% organised team working together, and he's going to clear the mortgage so you can both retire early and work part-time and travel at 45) then maybe you might feel different.

But if it's just "he likes the job" and you're going to be stuck with a slightly restless guy when he can't do the work (whilst you feel you've put your own emotions and development on hold for him) then maybe just date him, but don't be his partner.

Wherearemymarbles · 18/02/2021 23:44

I am guessing he is an armed guard. Money should be good, cant spend it when away. Quite safe but still gets to play with guns.

Depending in his skill set he wont earn nearly as much back in the uk doing a boring 9-5. Being ex army he will be used to being away from partners so its not a new experience for him.

So only you can decide if its the life for you.

BlueThistles · 19/02/2021 04:46

Let him go OP... if you are not coping you need to let him go.. 🌺

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