Anger issues

[Miltonkeynesmummy]

My husband is great 95% of the time. An exceptional dad, works hard, kind and funny. But he has a temper and every month of two he looses it. It's usually over something with work. It's involves swearing/shouting/ throwing things/ slamming doors/ punching things.

He has had anger counselling but it doesn't seem to be working. I've just had to drop my children to my parents as he was storming around the house. So many times I've explained how toxic this is. He gets very upset. But I'm so worried about the affect it will have on my children. They already show signs of bad tempers (more than standard tantrums).

He's never been violent with me but my worry is if he'd do out of control he slams things etc then what's stopping him? Leaving him seems so extreme but I can not stand the thought of my children married to someone who does this.

Does he ever behave like this at work?

He's self employed.

Not acceptable. He changes or he goes.

My df was like this many years ago and it had an awful affect on my happiness and confidence.

Smashing things is abuse. He doesn’t have to physically batter you or the children to be a dangerous presence in your lives.

He gets upset? Does he really

Not too fucking upset to stop himself behaving like a Neanderthal next time he gets pissed off.

You can see the affect this is having on your impressionable children already. It’s his problem to solve, if his current therapy isn’t working he needs to try something else. But while he does that I’d separate and he’d only be having supervised contact with them if I was in your shoes because he can’t be trusted to behave safely and appropriately.

I’m sure you know if your DC told a teacher about their dad going nuts and punching walls and their mum having to flee to keep them safe you’d be having some sort of official intervention.

Just seen this and my heart goes out to you.

My dh has anger issues too. Although he won’t admit to them and deflects this on everyone else in his life. It’s someone at work, or me. But never him.
He’s verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to all around him. BUT he can be lovely. He CAN be.

Do you want to leave?? I don’t want to leave my dh. But I want his ‘nice side’ and not his aggressive side.

Not giving you any advice, as can’t. But want you to have the biggest empathetic hug x

He is violent and abusive. When he is violent with the house he is telling you that if you don't fall in line he will be violent with you next.

It is affecting your children. Developmental trauma.

'Anger management' won't be effective, because he doesn't have anger issues.

What do you need to leave him?

*He doesn't have anger issues, in that this is manufactured rage, he knows what he is doing, and he chooses to behave like this.

Staying in this situation is far, far more extreme than leaving him and protecting your children.

@Flossie44

Just seen this and my heart goes out to you.

My dh has anger issues too. Although he won’t admit to them and deflects this on everyone else in his life. It’s someone at work, or me. But never him.
He’s verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to all around him. BUT he can be lovely. He CAN be.

Do you want to leave?? I don’t want to leave my dh. But I want his ‘nice side’ and not his aggressive side.

Not giving you any advice, as can’t. But want you to have the biggest empathetic hug x

I hope there aren’t any children in your household.

Yes there are

This is so true. ‘Manufactured rage’. Soooo true!! I hear dh go completely mental, swearing, screaming, vile.....then suddenly he’s answering a call and being lovely on the phone. He switches it on and the off. Then on again. It can’t be deep rooted anger. It must be control?

Punching things and thowing things sounds violent towards you. Domeatic violence is when something follows a pattern.. seems like theres a pattern here.

After his "outburst" does he benefit in some way? Do you pamper him? What gets broken? His things or your things? Does he get angry in public or the comfort of his own home?

Feelings and behaviours are two separate things. He has capacity so dont enable him

Sadly anger manegment dont work for abusive people... why? Becasue they do not have an anger problem, they have an abuse problem and they find themselves using anger to get that level of control they feel entitled to.

Abusive relationships is nothing but a pattern, so it can be 4 weeks of love but followed by 2 days of anger and walking on eggshells, if it repeats itself its a form of abuse, your always waiting for the next outburst, walking on eggshells, trying to delay the outburt by being extra cute, making nice meals, cleaning, keeping kids quiet, sending kids away. Thats not normal.

Children can not be taught that feelings cause behaviours. Thats an excuse, not holding him accountable is teaching the kids that they can excuse their behaviours because they felt sad or angry. Unless they are under 7 yo or with severe mental health thats untrue.

If youve ever googled domestic abuse, or felt youre walking on eggshells or cant quite remember the outburst and only remember 2 minutes of a whole hour outburst its safe to say you are in an abusive relationship.

All abusers are nice at times. All victims find themselves being violent at times too. Doesnt change the fact that hes a perpetrator and never going to change.

Being a non stop bully would be a lot of work for him, hed feel bad about himself too, so he has to be nice so he can push down the guilt and persuade himself that hes the victim and hes the nice guy.

Even pedophiles have times of being nice and have good qualities doesnt change the fact hes a pedophile. Same goes to abusers, doesnt change the fact that they choose to abuse, get out, abusive relationships follow a pattern they get worse never better, please dont believe his suicide threats and poor me i was a bused as a child bull shit he gives after incidents. You are not a carer and those things dont make him an abuser, he abuses because he chooses to, hes just giving a sob story so that you focus on his feelings rather than his behaviours, so the converstaion shifts from him being held accountable to you making him feel better about abusing you.
Nothing will ever change, theres no statistic in the world to back the theory up. Perpetrator programmes of a year long have very little to none success rates, they are there to lessen the abuse not get rid of it.
Leave safely, tell someone, first time is hard then its easy, no point in breaking up face to face hel just cry and manipulate you into thinking hell change and make you feel sorry and worried for his well being, call mental health comunity if youre worried for his wellbeing you are not a mental health proffessional and itll teach him also not to fuck about lying about self harm and suicide. Be strong. Get out before its too late.

I always wonder with these people (men) why they only ever have “anger” issues at home.

They don’t seem to talk to their colleagues like shit, they don’t go kicking their friends doors in or breaking stuff in Tesco’s in anger.

It’s all saved for the home.

When someone has anger issues they really can’t control it and it affects all parts of their lives. It’s true to say if it doesn’t seem to come out anywhere but around you or your home - it’s not an anger issue caused by underlying unresolved trauma - it is controlled anger being displayed

Dh is vile to colleagues too. Displays anger. I hear him on the phone. It’s vile. This is what has made me see things clearer

@Roberts25

All abusers are nice at times. All victims find themselves being violent at times too. Doesnt change the fact that hes a perpetrator and never going to change.

Being a non stop bully would be a lot of work for him, hed feel bad about himself too, so he has to be nice so he can push down the guilt and persuade himself that hes the victim and hes the nice guy.

Even pedophiles have times of being nice and have good qualities doesnt change the fact hes a pedophile. Same goes to abusers, doesnt change the fact that they choose to abuse, get out, abusive relationships follow a pattern they get worse never better, please dont believe his suicide threats and poor me i was a bused as a child bull shit he gives after incidents. You are not a carer and those things dont make him an abuser, he abuses because he chooses to, hes just giving a sob story so that you focus on his feelings rather than his behaviours, so the converstaion shifts from him being held accountable to you making him feel better about abusing you.
Nothing will ever change, theres no statistic in the world to back the theory up. Perpetrator programmes of a year long have very little to none success rates, they are there to lessen the abuse not get rid of it.
Leave safely, tell someone, first time is hard then its easy, no point in breaking up face to face hel just cry and manipulate you into thinking hell change and make you feel sorry and worried for his well being, call mental health comunity if youre worried for his wellbeing you are not a mental health proffessional and itll teach him also not to fuck about lying about self harm and suicide. Be strong. Get out before its too late.

Flossie44

There are children present, this is child abuse. Your husband is abusing your children.
If social services get a sniff of this you could lead to removal, dv is the no 1 reason for removal of children vecause it harms them so much.
Families always say theyre never in the room, children listen, they make up scary incidents in their heads to go with what they hear, often worse than what is actually happening. They lack sleep, they worry mum will get killed, they fantazise about dad being killed. Please get you an your kids out. I know its not easy, but neither is being in an abusive household, choose the one thats best for your children. Please. Self refer to social services if you like, they like nothing more than families leaving abusers. Remember your life is not set in stone, you can change your path any day in the uk, we are so lucky to have housing put dv victims in the highest tier hostels, bnbs and refuges for victims. I hope you make the right choice.

@2020iscancelled

I always wonder with these people (men) why they only ever have “anger” issues at home.

They don’t seem to talk to their colleagues like shit, they don’t go kicking their friends doors in or breaking stuff in Tesco’s in anger.

It’s all saved for the home.

When someone has anger issues they really can’t control it and it affects all parts of their lives. It’s true to say if it doesn’t seem to come out anywhere but around you or your home - it’s not an anger issue caused by underlying unresolved trauma - it is controlled anger being displayed

This.

Everybody behaves in a more uninhibited way at home. We let our hair down are able to have conflict in a less formal manner......HOWEVER.....there is a line. You will feel angrier towards him when you realize that he probably wouldn't behave this way in front of a massive 6'5 guy who works out. He does it with you because he knows there will be no consequences......which is pretty shit considering that the thing he's doing is smashing & shouting.

A lot of men are able to behave like absolute helpful sweethearts to other people......yet still behave in a pathetic manner in front of their wives. They do it because in order to respect someone else (deep down) they need to physically fear them, and he has nothing to worry about from you or most women. You see this two-faced behavior particularly so with men who seem 'polished' to other people - a 'family man', good career, helpful to neighbors, nice to your parents & friends. The average chav in my neighborhood would probably have no problem with smashing a trolley into shelves in front of everyone if they got angry.

I wonder how much of hour husbands outbursts is performative, like a toddler that suddenly ceases to be the next chucky when they realize no one is looking. What would happen if every single time you even sensed even the faintest hint of anger coming, you got up and left the house with the kids immediately? Maybe he would smash more things to make a point, or not? This is a terrible example to set them of what normal, healthy behaviour should be, and I don't know how you can stand it when he smashes objects.

I need to warn you that my brother and I suffer lifelong effects from being raised with a father like this. I have always struggled to overcome anxiety and depression, while my brother has chosen to become a recluse rather than have to deal with others.

'Home' is a vital source of security for children, where they can be nurtured and allowed grow into themselves. There is no true security in a house where they are subconsciously waiting for the next explosion of temper.

This seems like such a cruel message to pass on to someone else, but like my brother and me, your children do not have a voice (except to imitate the behaviour they witness), so I'm speaking up for them.